Getting it off my chest

Our culture and politics vs. madness

2012-01-09T16:42:00.001+01:00

The following text is part of a paper that my friend Jake from Wisconsin wrote. He had to interview someone from a different culture and he chose me. (For those who don't know, I'm 1/4 German and 3/4 American. I have the citizen-ships of both countries. I was born in LA California and currently live in Cologne/Germany.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Nic was very interested in having someone to speak to about his German heritage; he was convinced that German culture was very different in some ways from the way we live our lives in Wisconsin. He did in fact bring up several different places and ideas that had significance in moral, social, and technical ways.

One of the places we talked about was his school. He recently had graduated from “Gymnasium”, which is the advanced version of high school in German education system. I was surprised to hear him describe how the education system works: “Everyone is sent to different schools after 4th grade”. The teacher recommends one of three levels for the student to go on to based on their academic performance. They are “basic”, “mid-level”, and “advanced”, or “gymnasium”. Basic level students usually go into the work force while gymnasium students usually go to university for further education. When he asked me why I found that strange, I told him that I found it unusual that his culture was able to determine how a person will go through life based on their grades prior to and including grade 4. He agreed with me, and he noted that it is a contemporary argument to move the German educational system toward a less deterministic perspective. On the other hand, he offered his social critique of our educational system, and felt that even though his system was flawed, it was the better choice overall. “After all, even though not everyone goes to university [in Germany], those that do, do not have to go into so great debt- it is mostly paid for by the government”.

This conversation inevitably led to politics, which Nic was very interested in. He recently had watched the republican presidential debate and had been very confused by some of the antics of American politicians. One scene from the debate had stuck in his mind and he wanted to discuss it with me. A gay soldier, he said, had sent in a video question regarding LGBT rights in America. The audience had actually then boo’d the question before allowing the nominees to reply. He was shocked by this, and by (what he perceived as) the political platforms of Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum that were avidly anti-gay. Living in Cologne, and being gay himself, Nic admitted to never having seen LGBT rights as a social issue. “We are not treated differently. We have [civil unions], and I have never been singled out for being gay.” When I brought up the idea that it would likely be very controversial for an “out” politician to gain prominence in our political system, he laughed at our ignorance. “What does that have to do with their politics? Our minister of foreign affairs (a position similar to secretary of state in the USA) is gay and out, and doing a good job.The mayor of Berlin was just re-elected for the 3rd time (each term is 5 years) and he is also gay and out. That they are gay is not brought up by our pundits. [The pundits] talk about real issues like debt, and what politician has the best plan; who cares if the politician is gay?” This, he felt, was a justifiable reason to feel morally and politically superior to the United States. “I know my politicians are good, and I know, [regardless] of their [political party], that they want to do good by me. We really trust our politicians.”

The trust Nic had in his government was something new to me. I found his, and presumably Germany's moral/political stance refreshing. Unimpressed by our own attitudes toward sexuality and the way we treat it in America, his tone reflected a belief that his perspective was not just that of Germany's, but of a universal truth that cried out from inside each of us.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

posted with Jake's permission

I understand...

2011-12-07T00:57:00.001+01:00

...do you understand it too?I'm thinking of you again. Please, watch over me and guide me. I need you...Hope there's someoneWho'll take care of meWhen I die, will I goHope there's someoneWho'll set my heart freeNice to hold when I'm tiredThere's a ghost on the horizonWhen I go to bedHow can I fall asleep at nightHow will I rest my headOh I'm scared of the middle placeBetween light and nowhereI don't want to be the oneLeft in there, left in thereThere's a man on the horizonWish that I'd go to bedIf I fall to his feet tonightWill allow rest my headSo here's hoping I will not drownOr paralyze in lightAnd godsend I don't want to goTo the seal's watershedHope there's someoneWho'll take care of meWhen I die, Will I goHope there's someoneWho'll set my heart freeNice to hold when I'm tired

Hei Nicky

2011-11-30T11:04:00.001+01:00

why don't you call back?

Happy Birthday Nicky

2011-11-29T19:02:00.004+01:00

What's the time? Seems its already morning
I see the sky, its so beautiful and blue
The TV's on but the only thing showing is a picture of you

I get up and make myself some coffee
I try to read a bit but the story's too thin
I thank the Lord above that you're not there to see me
In this shape I'm in

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you think of me too
I'm spending my time

I try to call but I don't know what to tell you
I leave a kiss on your answering machine
Oh, help me please
Is there someone who can make me
Wake up from this dream?

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you are missing me too

I'm spending my time
Watching the sun go down
I fall asleep to the sound
Of "tears of a clown"
A prayer gone blind

I'm spending my time

My friends keep telling me:
Hey, life will go on
Time will make sure I'll get over you
This silly game of love you play you win only to lose

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you are missing me too

Happy Birthday Nicky

I love a boy named...

2011-09-14T23:04:00.002+02:00

I love a boy named Jesse
But Jesse doesn't love me back
He says he has a girl in Chelsea he wants so much

I love a boy named Jesse
But Jesse doesn't love me back
He says he's insecure about what he feels and what he wants

What he feels and what he wants...

But every time he smiles at me
I know we are the same
And that he'll change his world for me
If he just knew my name

There's no need for you to say you saw the life they chose for me
For me...

I love a boy named Jesse
But Jesse doesn't love me back
He wants to kiss and go to bed but he doesn't want to talk
I love a boy named Jesse
But Jesse doesn't love me back

He says he's straight and all that stuff is only in my mind
Only in my mind...

All I can hide
I'm doing fine

But every time he smiles at me i know we are the same
And that'll he'll he change his world for me
If he just knew my name

There's no need for you to say you saw the life they chose for me
For me...

I love a boy named Danny
But Danny doesn't love me back
He says he has a girl in Chelsea he wants so much

I love a boy named Danny
But Danny doesn't love me back
He says he's insecure about what he feels and what he wants

What he feels and what he wants...

maybe I'm a monster

2011-08-27T20:28:00.003+02:00

in moments like this, when I can't stop thinking about what could have been... when I ponder about the many many what ifs... I can't help but search for the problem in me.

Last time I wrote in here it was February... February the 14th... Valentine's Day. And although Domi and I had broken up we still agreed on spending Valentine's day together... as best friends... maybe as former lovers. The word former is wrong because I never stopped loving him. He never stopped loving me. Up to a couple of weeks ago...

I fucked it up. I fucked it up big time. We were trying to work it out, to stay friends... he was my best friend.
So naturally I didn't make a cut that other ex couples do when they part. My feelings towards him never changed. We only broke up because it was the right thing to do.

Some called it altruistic. Some called it stupid. But I didn't care what they thought. It's my life and I have to do what I think is the right thing for me. And I have to face the consequences.

And face the consequences I have.

Domi and I stayed friends, talked, spent time with each other, even played in the same basketball team again. We were just LIKE a couple but without the kissing and holding hands. Same jokes, same hugs, same laughs. So prom was coming closer and closer... and I was hoping he would ask a girl to go with him. I know for a fact that girls have asked him because at least two came to me and asked me if it would be ok with me if they ask him out.

I was very happy and I encouraged them to do so. But he said no... and I... I was trying to get over him. So I fell back on Oliver... Oliver... the person I probably hurt most in my life.
Oliver tried many times to start a relationship with me... he did before Adam, he did before Domi... he did while I was with Domi and he did after Domi... I have been completely honest with him all the time. I told him I wasn't ready. That I was still in love with Dominik and that he was too important as a friend to use him as my rebound guy.

Oli and I spent some very nice times together where I genuinely tried to forget about Domi and give a new relationship a chance. I introduced him on twitter... I got him involved... And my friends accepted him and welcomed him. I even won a bet... he didn't believe I had gay friends on twitter because I have no gay friends in (for the lack of a better word) "real life". So I tweeted that if I get 15 @mentions with "Nic is a hippo" I would win a bet with Oli and win a kiss :)... what can I say... thank you twitter friends :)

So yeah... Oliver... he introduced me to some of his gay friends and I had a few new experiences. And it was awesome... the time with him was awesome. So of course he was hoping for us to be boyfriends. And of course he was expecting me to take him to prom.

But that did not happen, because I did not want to hurt Domi. I swore to myself to move on AFTER he has moved on.

So the night before prom had arrived and neither Domi nor I had a date for the following night. I was ok with it that I "just (would) go with friends". Then, around 9pm he texted me and asked in German: "Lieber Niclas, würdest du mir die Ehre erweisen und mich zum Abschlussball begleiten?" (Dear Niclas, would you do me the honor and go to prom with me?)

At that time I was talking to a friend. I told him that. And he was the voice of reason. He said if I really want to work on our friendship and really want to put an end to the relationship I should say no and not give him false hope by going with him.

He was absolutely right. So I did. I called him and I said no. And that probably was too much for Domi to take. Because he did not end the relationship... he never moved on though he had many many opportunities... and he never believed it was over. But I guess that made it final. Because prom is important. Prom is something you will remember for the rest of your life. And I would not say no to him on that event if I didn't really mean it.

I FUCKED IT UP...

He started crying and yelling at me... he hung up.
I knew it was wrong to tell him that over the phone. But the damage was done. So I walked to his house. He pushed me away, he threw me out and shut the door on me. He yelled at me to not talk to him at prom or he would yell at me in front of everybody. He said he never wanted to see me again.
Nothing helped... I spent a while on the steps of his house... I tried to yell up to his room. I begged to talk to him. when I called him he hung up... then he turned off his cell.

After a while I went home and talked a bit to my friend... still thinking I did the right thing but in the worst way ever.

In the following weeks he refused to talk to me. When I directly approached him he said I should FUCK OFF. He meant it. He didn't want to see me.

About two weeks ago we were invited to a mutual friend's birthday party. Thomas tried his best to be friends with both of us and treat us equally. After the party we decided to go clubbing with all the guests. And I volunteered to be one of the drivers for the night. I wasn't feeling like partying because Domi was very cold to me the whole time. When I sat next to him he got up and moved away.

But what tortured me most that night was when I came back to where we were sitting from getting drinks with a friend. I saw Domi kissing a girl... I was hoping it would happen but seeing it with my own eyes. The person I love being with a girl. Kissing her. holding her. And he noticed... looked up to me... smiled and went back to making out.

As if he wanted to say: "IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?"

For about two weeks I am depressed and sad. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I feel worse. But in general I feel pain. As a friend pointed out to me, Domi would have been the one I would turn to to discuss all my problems. But he is gone... my best friend is gone. I have nobody (of Domi's kind of importance) to talk to. My mom and sister have picked up on this. My sister is too nice to me. She takes me out. She took me out to one of her friend's birthday party... where I ... I lost it... nobody knew me there... so I took advantage... I drank two glasses of whiskey cola... and danced shirtless on the floor. THAT IS NOT ME.
THAT is pure desperation...

This blog entry is pure desperation... I am trying to write this off my chest. I don't feel like it is remotely off my mind. I constantly think of him... think of all the good times we had together.

I've lost a boyfriend... I have lost my best friend... I have lost my hope.

---------

Now I want to come back to my first sentence. I can't help but search for the problem in me. What if I haven't been altruistic at all.. what if I subconsciously wanted out of the relationship to try new things... to explore the gay world... to fuck around.
After all this, I feel like a piece of shit... for throwing away something as wonderful as what he and I had.

I'm scum. And I shouldn't even cry... because it IS MY OWN FAULT.

I did this, but I never wanted this. When will I be able to move on?

Tingles with Barbie

2011-06-09T05:52:00.005+02:00

Lately I've been watching a lot of Smallville and Barbie movies. I know that some people would say that Barbie is for young girls who can't grow up, but that would be because of what others have told them. When a situation or some words said get sentimental for me my body tingles. I know know why, but it's a good tingle. That tingle brings with it a feeling of truth. I feel that that piece of information is important to my being and will have some positive impact on me, so I make time to pay attention.

Those two shows have really been inspiring me to be myself and telling me that I am special. From about 8 Barbie movies so far, I've learnt that we are who we are for a reason. That reson is not going to change. We may not be able to make absolute sense of it now, but I'm sure some day we will.

I know that I'm not awkward in situations just because the world gets a twisted laugh at seeing me get nervous and fail. I'm awkward because I was born that way and I can accept that. The sooner I accept my faults the sooner I realize that they're my greatest assets. They set me apart from every other creature on this planet. There is no other awkward, black, young, gay, 17 year old Jamaican boy like me. There is not other like you.

Smallville = superpowers. I love the idea of having superpowers and doing things beyond human boundaries. I like the discharge of energy from my hand and the moving of objects by thought. So much so that I actually do those things in hope to get some effect (Some kid right). I'm proud to be a kid who still believes in the unexplained and the out-of-the-ordinary. I am proud to be who I am and to do what I do. By watching Smallvile I have realised that not only people with powers can be called heroes and change the world. Any human can, the bad thing is that it can be changed for the worse. We all have the choice to make the changes we make good or bad.

I believe that there are defining moments in someone's life where everything changes from one point on and causes a world of changes. That one second where someone decides that "this is the path I want to take". From then on there is no turning back or do over. The other options have been eliminated completely by that one choice. That one choice could mean a better future for those who were lost. I choose to look on the brighter side of these moments.

Although I'm not sure what I want to do with my life for now, I know I won't jepordize the future by smoking, robbing anywhere of committing any other crimes. I know somthing good is out there waiting for me to do. There are people I will help in the future and I look forward to meeting them and helping them however I can.

Remember the Monkey?

2011-05-18T05:48:00.003+02:00

A long and interesting drama free time passed when the monkey returned. This time actually trying to solve a problem it had. He asked me why I was being so mean to him lately. I forget my answer (and that's good that I'm forgetting things to do with him). Then he said "So it's all about you huh?". That got me really angry seeing how unconcerned he was of how I felt and what I ever did for him. I wanted to just say "Fuck off" and just turn off my phone, but I let him feel guilty of his indiffernce. Then he started talking to me like we were friends again. Not that I don't forgive him for his soulessness, but I refuse to occupy myself with him in any form. Luckily he sense the cold shoulder and stopped.

A few weeks later he reminded me that I had made a promise to help him with exams earlier, and I went. My intention was to be so preoccupied helping other that I couldn't help him much, but that failed. While he was reading, he told me he was horny and kept looking at me (realiously?). I just pretended that I didn't hear, because I was really not stupid enough to fall for that.

When another friend of mine David, came, I was so relieved. My attention was all on him (not just because I liked him). David had an exam the next day and I was free to help. The monkey left, then David left. Happy days were in sight once more.

The following Tuesday (last week Tuesday) I was at school talking to Jason (Jason's my 'neutral' friend who irritates me sometimes). Then we walked over to where he and some other friends were. Without looking at him I said "Mornin'", my usual phrase for morning greetings. He said hi. To help with schoolwork!

A few minutes afterwards Jason asks me where my phone was. Since I rarely receive any calls or texts I had it in my bag. He told me to check it. He sent me a message. The message that the monkey still liked me, but it came from Jason, apparently they were texting and he was afraid to text me directly.

I let out a raucous laugh like a pirate, I thought it was a joke. The monkey then asked me why with a smile on his face. I answered, but it wasn't what he wanted to hear. Then Jason sends "Seriously he does. You?" I said no.

All of this was happening amongst our straight homophobic guy friends (I attend an all boy's school). Then Jason calls me aside and says that the monkey wants to hear me say the words to him from my mouth. At that point I was surprised. I was thinking, "Why can't he just give up? He would've given up if it were any girl. Why do I have to bother with this?" I haven't heard from him since that day not have I seen him. I hope it stays that way and that he leaves me in peace.

no one else to blame

2011-04-28T11:06:00.000+02:00

You got me caught in all this mess
I guess we can blame it on the rain
My pain is knowing i can't have you, i can't have you

Tell me does she look at you the way i do?
Try to understand the words you say and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush, when you go in for a hug
and your cheeks brush?

Tell me, am i crazy, am i crazy?

I catch my breath, the one you took
the moment you entered the room
My heart, it breaks, at the thought of her
holding you

Does she look at you the way i do?
Try to understand the words you say and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush, when you go in for a hug
and your cheeks brush?

Tell me am i crazy, or is this more than a crush?

Maybe i'm alone in this
but i find this peace is solitude knowing if i had but just one kiss
This whole room would be glowing,
we'd be glowin, we'd be glowin

[ Does she look at you the way i do?
Try to understand the words you say and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush, when you go in for a hug
and your cheeks brush?

Tell me am i crazy, or is this more than a crush? (x2) ]

Ice Sculpture

2011-03-16T04:13:00.005+01:00

Who remembers when they were younger and really believed in love. I know this may
somewhat start fires, but I want to address it. I remember very clearly when I was
younger and would watch romantic movies. I would get butterflies when the two shy
lovers met and kissed. After trials and failure they would find each other and they
would "live happily ever after." I actually thought that that would happen in life. I
put all my hopes into someone I thought could have made my life a romance movie.
Instead I felt like a banana tree that was raided of its produce every day. I got
little appreciation from the monkey and I felt powerless to stop him because I wanted
to help. Now this monkey was never loved by his mother, so I thought if I gave the
monkey enough bananas and whatever else he wanted he would be happy and actually stay with the tree. Now I am a bare tree that fed a monkey that was never happy.

I'm gonna leave the monkey metaphor for now.
I loved a boy, he loved me. He fell out of love with me, I still loved him. He used
me for his own purposes to get what he wanted and left me destitute. I believed in
love and its ability to conquer all things. He was a smoker, I stopped him; a
drinker, he scared himself; pessimistic, I made him believe in himself more. The
thanks I get for that is a reluctant kiss after months of knowing him. He has given
girls kisses and sex. He has even had sex with a girl he knew for less than a week!
That really pissed me off! It made me feel like I was working hard to get what any
girl could get free!My love was not enough to make him love me the same way. With
him, I know love does not exist. It's so surprising how I found myself fighting to
"win". It was more a battle for power than a relationship. I became cold, as if my
heart were frozen and all that was in my mind was winning. I lost myself because of
him.

I surrender!

He is not worth my time or my love. I don't want to lose myself because someone else
could not love me. I completely refuse to!

To everyone out there fighting to keep love and to win, just let it go for losing
yourself is not worth winning some personal love battle. I lay my story to rest and
soon my head. This day, and you are, are thanked for. Thank you for "listening" to
me. It means a lot to speak what's on my mind!

Valentine's Day Confusion

2011-02-17T22:24:00.001+01:00

In case you don't know yet, I've broken up with Dominik. I wish I could say it was mutual, but it wasn't. I love him a lot but some things won't ever change and they are the main reason why I thought it is a good thing to end the romantic relationship with him.

As it turns out it is quite hard to go back being best friends. It's awkward talking in here about it because I know he is reading. Actually both are reading this.

Both? yes... there is another guy. And no, he is not the reason why Domi and I are over... I mean... are we over? I think we will never be over... it doesn't seem like it.

After the break up Domi and I had a lot of conversations. One night his mom called my mom and asked her if she knew what was going on because Domi didn't go to school that day and had cried all day long and didn't come out of his room. At that time neither of our parents knew about the breakup. So my mom told her no and that she is gonna ask me if I knew anything.
Of course I called him right after she told me. He was very sad and at that point I could see that he had stopped putting up a strong front and he was begging for us to get back together.
I started crying too because it tore up my heart to hear him cry and be so vulnerable.
I cursed myself for inflicting such a pain on a person I love with my whole being.

But eventually we calmed down and we started talking and I told him that the situation won't ever change. That getting back together is not solving anything but only postponing things. He started to understand. And at least for that night we parted knowing we're both ok with this.

that has been a month ago

since then I have seeked the comfort of a lot of friends. online and offline.
one of these offline friends is Oliver.
Oliver and I have history. He and I used to hang out a lot 3 years ago and he always wanted to be boyfriends and at that time I thought the idea of being in love ridiculous and something girls do.
I know, stupid... I was 15, ok? Joseph... need I say more?

Then I met Adam, then Domi and I became boyfriends and Oliver was angry at me but eventually we fixed it and stayed friends since then.
So yeah, that's the background story on Oliver.

wow, I wanted to tell you about my Valentine's Day and drifted off. But I guess you need to know all this to understand the whole thing. Or maybe I just needed to get it off my chest.

After our breakup Domi made me promise to spend Valentine's Day together. So that was settled. As you know Vday was on Monday. The Saturday before my friend Oliver spent the night and we had a lot of fun and I showed him twitter and my tumblr and my blog.
After he read a few of my posts especially the one where Adam took me out for dinner he said he wants to do that with me too. And he said it should be on Vday.
I told him that I had promised Domi to spend Vday with him, so after thinking about it for a while he said that we could have a Vday lunch.

So um yeah... that's how I ended up having two Valentine's Day dates.
But, before you roll your eyes and say "lucky bastard, some of us don't even have one" (actually a few of you on twitter told me that :p), yeah before you say that, both dates were not the typical romantic dates. At least that's what I told myself the whole time.

.... moving forward to Monday (Vday)

So Oliver picked me up right after school and we went to this steak house called MAREDO (somewhere I couldn't go with Domi cos he is vegetarian).
Since he was buying I decided to go for the lunchtime menue which was a nice steak with a cream sauce and fresh pepper. I mean fresh pepper as in the pepper fruit... not grounded... do you understand? It was delicious and not hot at all.

ugh... seriously, I can't do this. this feels dumb. I can't really tell much about it... as I said, no romance involved, not on my part. I am not over Domi and I have told him and he knew.
We had a nice time, we ate, we had a coke, we had dessert and we got up and left.
After that we decided to walk home instead of taking the subway. So we had a long walk and we talked and talked. At first about nothing important but it ended in him hugging me and saying: "I know it's hard. You still love him. You need time"
I leave the rest to your imagination.

Back home, I shortly went on twitter and nobody was there, literally nobody there to talk to. Can you imagine that? ugh.
Anyway, I got changed and I was really nervous about my date with Domi.

it was beautiful: nice Italian restaurant, very romantic, candle light. dimmed lights, nice ambient music, great food. like, GREAT food. and Domi.

and Domi

and Domi

and Domi

I love you so much Domi

the look in his face. his smile... I reached over and wiped his hair off his face. he held my hand. I pulled away
I just did it because I was scared. It is over, right? It is... we both agreed on this.

after dinner we went to his house and he asked me in. We went to his basement and we watched a Disney movie together. we made popcorn and watched the movie. When they kissed on the screen he reached over and held my hand. I was torn... how could I keep on being the monster that I had been the weeks before and deny him the one thing that he wants from me. my love.
he leaned over and we kissed... I
I couldn't hold back the tears. this is so hard on both of us.

I got up, thanked him... gave him a tight hug and walked home.

this is why I hesitated to write this post. it's because things are not clear and I don't know what is going on. we're both trying... but what are we trying? are we trying to work on this breakup and stay best friends or are we trying to overcome this and stay boyfriends.

all I know is I will love him for eternity.

No matter what I do... I will be a monster to either him or Oliver in the end. Or maybe... maybe for once I don't have to act and I can just react to their decisions...

personal

2011-02-10T23:35:00.001+01:00

music is what keeps me going lately.
if you care, listen. the lyrics speak from my heart.

melancholy, sadness and the realization that it's impossible to go back to be best friends. today we hugged tightly for a long time. When we stopped I looked at his teary eyes. he kissed my cheek. I love him. It hurts so much.

He's Out Of My Hands

2011-01-30T20:41:00.002+01:00

He's out of my life
He's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
He's out of my life
It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
To think for two years he was here
And I took him for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
He's out of my hands

So I've learned that love's not possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late

And he's out of my life
He's out of my life
Damned indecisions and cursed pride
I kept my love for him locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
He's out of my life

When I was your age...

2011-01-13T15:58:00.005+01:00

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a Straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But...

Now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet - we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves! There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and f@#* it all up!

You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11!
Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony PlayStation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you and you couldn't see you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing you had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning... d'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!

We didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove...imagine that! If we wanted popcorn we had to use that stupid jiffy pop and shake it over the stove like an idiot forever.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled; you guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Hello from the Past

2010-12-23T21:14:00.004+01:00

So you might be wondering, hey, Jake, where have you been? Well, I've been at college. This is a final presentation I made for one of my classes. It should be pretty enlightening as far as learning about me these days goes...

Happy Birthday, Nic

2010-12-09T16:38:00.000+01:00

Milestones in life

2010-11-30T22:23:00.000+01:00

This is hard for me to write but I need to get it out

Hey, how are you? I hope you are fine.
I've been thinking about you the whole day.
There is stuff happening in my life I wish I could share with you.
It's been a while since the last time I talked to you.

I've been listening to this song over and over again. And there is one line that keeps haunting me since the first time I heard it. You know I'm trying my best to be half the man you were. So I want to ask you the same question I heard in that song. Are you proud of who I am?

I miss you, dad.

Last Friday I passed the test to my driver's license. You can imagine how happy I was when he handed me that little piece of paper. I mean, can you imagine that or did you actually see me? I hope you didn't see me because I don't want you to see me when I am like this. I hope you didn't see me hugging my driving teacher instead of you. I hope you didn't see me when I went to the bathroom and cried because you weren't there to share that moment with me.

I miss you, dad.

In three days I will be turning 18. This will be another milestone in my life. They say I'll become a man. I don't feel like I'm a man. I wish I could be a man. I wish I could hold my head up high and be strong like a man. But I am not. I'm broken, dad. I am. I need you in my life to teach me how to be a man.
You know, they are trying... Jürgen tries, Domi's dad tries, some people I look up to try. But they can't replace you. Why couldn't you show me how to shave? Why did mom have to teach me how to knot a tie?

These are milestones a son has to share with his dad. I'm sharing them with you... in spirit. That's all I have. But I need to know:

Are you proud of who I am?

Never make me sing this to you

2010-11-26T21:21:00.002+01:00

I heard that you're settled down.
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
It ain't like you to hold back or hide from the lie

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I'll remember you said:
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

You'd know how the time flies.
Only yesterday was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summery haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over yet.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I'll remember you said:
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead".

Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regrets and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I'll remember you said:
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I'll remember you said:
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

- I will love you for eternity, Domi -

the most important thing to me these days

2010-11-22T19:50:00.002+01:00

Gratitude

2010-11-02T12:13:00.000+01:00

My ISP (Internet Service Provider) is the same as my TV cable company.
I have already expressed how awesome I think my new internet is with the downspeed of 4MB/s (32mbit/s).

On Sunday mom and I were watching TV when I accidentally knocked off the digital receiver. I didn't break it but the sensor for the remote control inside the receiver must have been out of it's place because we had to go very close with the remote to be able to switch the channels.

So I called my ISP/TV cable provider who also provided the receiver on a Sunday and told them about the problem. They said that it is no problem and they are gonna replace it within the next few days.
I asked if he can be more specific and he said "well, since Monday is a bank holiday, the technical department will receive your order on Tuesday... so your order will be delivered on Thursday at the latest."
I said ok and thanked him and hung up.

Now it is Tuesday... yesterday was a bank holiday and I just got a text from my sister, who is at home and she wanted to know if I had ordered anything cause there is a guy at the door waiting.
So I replied and asked "is it a receiver?" and she texted "yeah" and then I texted "sign for it".

Then, during break I called home and talked to her and she said that the guy came in, unpacked the new receiver, packed the old one... plugged it in, programmed the smart card and set up everything.

I thought it was so awesome that I called the guys from Unity Media (on a free number btw). I said "you know, a lot of people call you and complain whenever they have a problem. I just want to let you know that I am impressed and I want to thank you for the super-fast delivery and everything."

He was silent for a second cause apparently no one does stuff like that... haha... he asked me for my account number and I told him and he said "thank you Mr. G. I will note that in the system. Thank you very much for your call... I'd like to thank you with a free on-demand-movie"...

I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE ARE NICE... it's like paying it forward... everyone is happy. everyone smiles...
there is GOOD in the world...

UNITYMEDIA... Go get it. You won't regret it.

interruption...

2010-10-29T01:00:00.000+02:00

of well deserved sleep.

I just kissed Domi goodnight and he went home. Apparently his mom went to his bedroom to check up on him and didn't find him there. So she decided to call him at 12:40am to find out where he is.

She knew he was coming over. But since it is a school night she didn't expect him to spend the night. Which he didn't even intend to do. We fell asleep on the couch.

Now I am tired as hell but can't sleep and my heart is totally beating fast.
Damn his ringtone is loud.

change your point of view

2010-10-13T23:24:00.001+02:00

thank you to Tyler who found this video.

Muffin

2010-09-27T14:44:00.001+02:00

So I was tuning into this NZ radio show, minding my own business and listening to my friend Lucas who is the DJ there with his co host Silke (nice girl) when out of nowhere he says "mmmm I'm eating a muffin" then Silke says "it's a good muffin."

Lucas "I have to admit. This is one good muffin" then he plays some music only to interrupt in the middle to yell extaticly "I'm psyched, we have margarine".

I swear to god. I can't make up shit like that. It's too good to be made up. Lol. Anyways. So I email them and tell them that I think it's strange that Lucas is eating Silke's muffin LIVE on 95bfm. and he reads it out on air.

Then he says he thinks nothing's strange with that. And Silke adds "OMG and the smell. It smells sooo good" and Lucas agrees "yes that muffin smells really good".

ROFLMAOGIGALOL

thank you, my friends

2010-09-13T18:50:00.000+02:00

Over time a lot of you have said a lot of nice things to me.
Here is the latest and it is a skype conversation, because that person (a nice guy from Spain) wanted to tell me in person:

"hi Nic, uhm, we've been tweeting for the past two months? I never read your blog. you got to know me from VB, right?
then, during my last week in the Philippines I got curious about your blog. And believe it or not, in one sitting, i read it from the very first entry you made to the last one.

first : im very happy you ended up with Domi, and he's such a cutie (bleeeh :P) and that you are very very fortunate that out of all the boylets in the world, he belongs to you :)

second : my sister called me a dork, cos I was laughing all through out the time I was reading your blog. You really amaze people - including me.

lastly, and I'm saying this with all my heart, thank you for sharing a portion of your life to me. You inspire me, you make me laugh and smile, you make me feel in love, you make me sad and you made me listen to a Beethoven song I have not EVER imagined i'll listen to :P
Nic man you're the best :)

Nic: thank you so much that is very very sweet of you

no, thanks to you. :) so please, don't stop making blogs and don't stop tweeting. think about us. lol :P

Nic: :) thank you, [his name]... I'm not planing to stop. I just needed time off to rethink things...

good"

You all know me as that cool, aloof, hardly-showing-any-emotions-guy, right? ;)
well... that pretty much made my day :o)

I'm feeling yankee doodle dandy

2010-09-08T12:13:00.001+02:00

Wednesday, 11:37am. I just got out of bed and had something to eat.

For over a week I'm being in a state I don't like and I don't know when it will pass.

It started with mom forbidding me to work at that bistro/cafe/burger place. I made good money there and I got a lot of tips. I was getting closer to my dream of buying my own brand new car as soon as I get my driver's licence. But now I am about 3,000 Euros away from it and frankly, I don't even want to buy it anymore.

But that is not the reason why I am depressed. It's the sum of a lot of negative things around me right now.

Mostly it is about my relationships. With Domi, with my mom, with my friends, online and offline.

I have high expectations which are not being... not being... what's the word? Not being fulfilled?!

Whoever you ask, they will tell you I'm a happy guy. Always being positive and nice.

That has changed for a week now and I'm hating it.

It creeped it's way through my whole body. I have pain in places I didn't even know existed. I want to puke, I want to puke it out and get rid of it.

I can't sleep. Either I go to bed really late or I wake up earlier than I should and lay awake for hours listening to music or just staring at the ceiling.

Last night I tried something new. I know alcohol gets me sleepy. So I had one of those mango flavored alcopops. They are just a tiny bit stronger than beer, so... no, I didn't get drunk.

I fell asleep at 2:30am and woke up at 6 to get ready for school.

After taking a shower I sat there on the corner of my bed to air dry and suddenly I felt a strong sadness. I can only describe it as something creeping through your body, getting inside of every bone. I don't know how else to describe that feeling.

I crawled back in under the sheets and texted Domi that I'm skipping school today.

At around 7 Domi came over and said hi to mom. She was just about to leave. I told her I was not going to school today and told her why. She was ok with it.

Domi came in and at first sat next to me. He started asking me all kinds of questions to analyze why I am the way I am. I hate it when he tries to analyze me. I told him I don't know and I yelled at him to leave me the fuck alone.

But he did the opposite. He crawled in next to me and said "ok, yell at me as much as you want, I won't go away" and began stroking my head.

At that moment I lost it... and I'm man enough to talk about it... I turned to him, put my head on his chest and started sobbing. I cried and cried and cried...

I don't know who I am right now. I'm a mess. I can't explain it to myself. How can I explain it to you?

Eventually I fell asleep again. He must have left for school shortly after. When I woke up I found a note: "I'll be back after school, don't go anywhere..." yeah... as if I would go anywhere...

12:06pm

------------------

I just texted him and he said he's gonna be over in about an hour.

They say crying helps... but I don't feel any different.

Really, it can't be about something stupid as a car. Why is this happening to me?

I never had a conversation with a shrink, and I don't know how it works in Germany... I think I need help.

Somebody needs to explain to me why I am what I am.

-being online- on the line

2010-08-25T21:53:00.002+02:00

I don't know where to start.
Hi everybody who still reads my blog.

I've been questioning my life on the internet for the last few days.
Not only do I spend 1/4 of my day on the internet and hence don't do a lot of stuff that needs to be done, I also share too much of my private life. Actually I think you guys (at least those on twitter) know every aspect of my life by now. I've also had a few arguments with Domi about sharing details on our sex life too... being the total opposite of me when it comes to the internet, he has told me several times to leave him out of all that.
I explained to him that I need the internet as an outlet and that I can't talk with him about that stuff when it's about him... I mean... not the bad things... the good things... like, I don't know.... how cute he is, how great he is, bla bla... sex included.
I used to be part of a basketball team up until a couple of months ago. Now that I am not, I hang around the net too much. Domi is out of the team too, but he has piano lessons and music and all the other things that I am not allowed to mention.
And it sure doesn't help that I have some really really nice friends from Jamaica over Mexico to US to Europe, Malaysia, Vietnam, the Philippines and Australia and New Zealand.
How can I not be "addicted" to their stories, their culture, their kind souls and... well their friendship, their wisdom and their advice?

Last year around fall I was amused at a tweet of a friend who said: "congratulations to xyz on her 13,264th tweet" indicating she just talked too much nonsense on twitter. Now I have over 16,000 tweets myself.

I need to back off and regroup... what am I doing there? I used to blog way more... now I don't cause I end up telling it to someone on twitter or talk to them about it on skype.

So I miss out on writing some awesome stuff down. This blog is a journal after all and I like going back and reading stuff. Hell, I like going back and let friends read stuff to me while on skype and when I am too clingy to hang up so I ask them to read my own blog to me untl I fall asleep. And for some reason they DO IT...

What I wanna say is, I should cut back.

Like this week for instance... I have stopped tweeting for two or three days and already I have achieved a lot.
Besides the job at the agency that mom got me, I have taken a second job for this week where I help reorganizing some storage... hard labor, but also very good money.
Money I can use for my driver's licence and guess what... I even started my first lesson (theory lesson) yesterday.

School will start again next week, so I can forget about my first job.
I don't know why I am doing this blogpost... oh yeah... now I remember... I want to get it off my chest.
hmmm, I feel like I still have left out a lot of things that happened.
I miss some people already... I think about them several times a day. <4

I'm gonna go to bed now... goodnight.

first time

2010-08-21T20:31:00.003+02:00

The important thing is... I'm here with you...
and I'm prepared to give myself to you...
body... mind... and soul

This is gonna be the most magical night of our lives...

(Jackie to Michael in "that 70's show")

God, I'm so glad I'm not a chick...
and gay :o)

passive aggressive

2010-08-19T14:28:00.002+02:00

you all know how much I like my sister, right?

Last Thursday it was her birthday and on Saturday she had a big birthday party.
Because she didn't want to have me there and frankly I didn't want to be there as well, I got mom's permission for one day to escape my prison (still grounded btw).
I'm gonna tell about that awesome day at IKEA with Domi and the board game that we played with our friends called "therapy" and the wine tasting we went to with his parents on another occasion.

What I want to tell you today is about the present I got for my sister.
OH YES, I GOT HER A PRESENT.

I gave her a small package nicely put in gift-wrap and with a nice card saying:

"I hope this will bring you closer to your goal :o)"

When she opened it she found a pack of cigarettes.

I love your humor

2010-08-06T11:58:00.000+02:00

Actually I love everything about you...

Guys, Domi came to the office today to pay me a visit. He came in, gave me a hug and said in a serious voice "I drove FOUR WHOLE KILOMETERS with the underground to get to you... just so you know..."
then he smiled with his big smile and we started laughing for 3 minutes straight... we couldn't stop.

If you want to kill yourself... be my guest

2010-08-04T22:46:00.000+02:00

I'm seriously disgusted.

Apparently my sister has started smoking cigarettes half a year ago. And she's already at the point of two packages a week.
Mom knew about this too.
For some reason she actually cared to hide it from me for half a year.
But now that I know (and I know for about two weeks now) she has totally changed her behavior.
She is smoking outside in the garden. She even smokes when I am sitting outside.
And she stinks. She really stinks.
I can't believe she is doing such a disgusting thing.

Our dad died of his 4th heart attack... the first two he had at the ages of 35 and 40ish.
He used to smoke two packages a day.

I can't even put into words how disrespectful, disgusting and simply STUPID it is of her.

God... just when I thought I can't hate her more.

"craziest thing ever"... maybe

2010-08-02T22:02:00.018+02:00

Nah... there are way crazier things in the world.
For a lot of people that little thing I did yesterday was crazy.
For me it was a necessity.

Domi has been in Bavaria with his family for what was supposed to be a 1,5 week vacation... but his dad decided to add another week to it. I missed him a lot and I was really upset. Especially in the evenings when I came home from my summer job and had time to ponder over stupid stuff...

It reached the point that on Saturday, one day before they were scheduled to come home I posted this on twitter:

I'm a total fucking loser. My friends want to hang out but I rather stay at home, hang around the internet being bored and mope about Domi
Sat Jul 31 2010 12:14:48 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

fucked up. I didn't use to be like that... I'm the current goddamn western state champion in basketball... look at me... fucking loser
Sat Jul 31 2010 12:16:23 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

So I spent my Saturday being at home, doing nothing. In the evening Domi called and said this to me:

Domi just called and we talked for almost an hour. He misses me. He said he wants to hug me for half an hour when he's back.
Sat Jul 31 2010 21:54:30 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

I couldn't sleep and thought a lot about almost everything. I went to bed at 2:30am and maybe subconsciously made a decision:

It was a beautiful Sunday morning when I decided to pack my rucksack with 5 bananas, 3 bottles of water and a few energy bars. I had a weird idea but wasn't sure if I should follow through. So I took my bike and let my legs do the thinking.

But let the tweets speak for themselves, shall we?

Call me an erratic fool. But I'm in a mcD about 35 km outside cologne. I came here by bike and I'm gonna go as far as I can towards bavaria
Sun Aug 01 2010 11:57:14 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

I already spoke with his dad. They're gonna pick me up on their way back from Bavaria.
Sun Aug 01 2010 11:58:20 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

Currently I'm going about 15 to 18 km an hour. By this rate I'll be in at least two different states
Sun Aug 01 2010 12:00:03 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

I drank 3 bottles of water/minerals mix so far and had 3 bananas and 1 cheeseburger
Sun Aug 01 2010 12:02:15 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

Wow, once you sit down and relax, your legs don't want to get up anymore.

Sun Aug 01 2010 12:03:09 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

My biggest concern is my iPod's battery. It is my only source of a map. Right now a nice lady allows me to use her laptop's USB port.
Sun Aug 01 2010 12:13:23 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

~~~ 2 hours later ~~~

I'm in Königswinter in a cafe waiting for a ferry boat to cross the Rhine. Then I will continue on the B9
Sun Aug 01 2010 14:29:59 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

a nice man in his 60s gave me his map of the region... it ends at the state border... but I still have a bit until I reach it
Sun Aug 01 2010 14:31:43 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

Here I am http://maps.google.de/maps?ll=50.665131,7.19965&spn=0.061041,0.143337&z=13&iwloc=13964904820822171281&lci=com.google.webcams
Sun Aug 01 2010 14:34:11 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

~~~ another 2 and half hours later ~~~

I've arrived in Weißenthurm http://maps.google.de/maps?ll=50.415136,7.458344&spn=0.030683,0.071669&z=14 I'm exhausted. I need to peeee
Sun Aug 01 2010 16:53:38 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

according to my bike computer my top speed was 32,8 km/h... my avg speed is 18,3 km/h. I am very very exhausted
Sun Aug 01 2010 16:56:12 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

I just called mom and told her where I am... she freaked out... I think I have to face consequences... fuck it...
Sun Aug 01 2010 16:57:51 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

fucking German laws... everywhere everything is closed cos it's Sunday... I can only get water and energy bars at gas stations... for double the price... and no bananas or fresh fruit... I ate about 10 bifi rolls so far... I'M EXHAUSTED... can someone call a TAXI? lol
Sun Aug 01 2010 17:03:55 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

a lot of my friends on twitter sent me awesome messages and they were very supportive and encouraging... thank you soooo much :o)

guys guys... thank you so much for your tweets... I can't answer them all... I gotta leave... and please don't worry... I'm fiiine and happy
Sun Aug 01 2010 17:11:34 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

~~~ another 2 hours later ~~~

I DID IIIIT. I'M IN KOBLENZ. Free wifi at BK. That last 11 km took me almost two hours
Sun Aug 01 2010 19:12:04 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

I need food. Having two king fries and a triple whopper. Brb
Sun Aug 01 2010 19:16:14 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

*buuuuurp* I'm full now. Ok I can't move a muscle. Seriously. They're hard like stone. I feel like I weigh twice as much. Will sit back, call Domi and try to close my eyes if that's ok with you. Thank you so much for supporting me and rooting for me. You guys are pure love. I haven't completely realized it yet. 104.6 km. That's insane. Never done anything like this before.
Sun Aug 01 2010 19:37:36 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

Thank you so much for all the nice tweets. I'll get back to you asap. Now some rest. Oh, one more thing. Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouuuuuuch
Sun Aug 01 2010 19:38:45 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

Eventually, with a delay of 40 minutes they arrived in Koblenz and picked me up.
We almost never kiss or hold hands in front of his dad... I don't know why, maybe because we don't want to overload him with the gay thing... he still has a hard time with the fact that his "straight" son is in a gay relationship. But he is very very silent about that... he tries his best. He is a good person.

Anyways... Domi didn't care... he gave me one of the best hugs ever... And I don't know if it was my exhausted legs or relief that we are united again or love or whatever... but... at that moment I felt zero gravity... I couldn't move because every muscle in my body hurt and was as heavy as a rock... but at that moment in his arms... *sigh* I LOVE YOU.

His mom immediately called my mom and told her they've picked me up.
I sat in the back while Domi and his dad towed my bike to this transporting thing on the back... Domi sat next to me and held my hand (another thing we don't do in front of his dad).
They kept talking to me and asking me all kind of questions.
While his mom was interested in what I was thinking to have done "such a sweet thing", his dad asked me about the road and the stops I made and "technical stuff"...
At one point he asked me if I had the right amount of air in the tires, cos it is important...

After about 20 minutes I leaned over and rested my head on Domi's lap and closed my eyes while he was stroking my hair...

I don't know if I can make you understand how important this moment was for me.
One family... no holding back... total contentedness... a feeling of... I don't know... a big reward after 10 hours... and after waiting for 2 and half weeks... HEAVEN!!!

We arrived home shortly after 10pm... Domi helped me inside and mom didn't say much... I quickly tweeted "Home. Dead. Bed" and fell asleep.

Only to wake up with a lot of pain two hours later...but yeah... worth it.

footprints in my heart

2010-07-31T22:55:00.001+02:00

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."

Dear responsible adult person,

you have become an important person in my life. I think I might have mentioned on more than one occasion that I look up to you. I have almost 15,000 tweets and you're by far the person I tweet to most. Your friendship, generosity, kindness and warmth have led me to allow you a place in my heart.

Whether you want it or not, you have an impact on me. Your actions have an impact on me.

I'm sure you had a very good reason to do what you've done.

But please... please don't make the mistake of thinking it doesn't affect anybody else but you.

that being said, here's something I recorded last Wednesday and I might or might not have thought about or mentioned you... http://sexytimewithnic.tumblr.com/

egomaniac

2010-07-29T09:26:00.001+02:00

ca®Lo: nic this is why i lurve you!
Nic: this? what this?
Shern: oh no! you've boosted his ego!
Nic: lol
Peter: great
Nic: lol
VBoy: nooooooo
Lloydie!: u cant boost up nics ego!
Nic: loool
VBoy: how could u
[Lloydie!: nics ego is already at the peak
Nic: it is not
Peter: his head will explode if it gets any bigger
Lloydie!: its to the point that hes given it a name
Nic: sometimes I think you guys take me for granted
Lloydie!: (rofl)
VBoy: wow :O how big can it get?
VBoy: thought mount everest is the biggest?
Lloydie!: XD
Lloydie!: nic we love u
Lloydie!: were just kidding
VBoy: up the butt
Nic: *sniff* re, re, really?
Lloydie!: yes
Lloydie!: now bend over!
Lloydie!: XD
Nic: FU
VBoy: :D

My summer job

2010-07-14T17:36:00.000+02:00

As I'm typing this I'm making kaching...
I decided to go for a summer job since I need to earn money for my driver's licence and a new car.
Mom told me immediately that I can forget about working at the agency because they have a shitload of work to do and I would be in the way. thanks mommy... :p but she was kind enough to call her friend from another agency and get me a job there.

today is my first day and it has been good so far.
Domi surprised me at lunch and we went to BK cos there was nothing better there.
Today I earned 48 Euro... that's almost two driving lessons.

btw... it tool me 3 attempts to write this blog because I had so much to do.
I'm home now.

Paying it forward

2010-07-12T00:20:00.000+02:00

Dear Noc,

I truly want to say how awesome you are! You are sweet! Kind! And just a plain great guy! You never try and give up on someone and you forgive their mistakes! You know how to joke and we all envy you and Domi! Your blog was one of the highlights of my blog reading! I want to thank you for not only introducing me to SO MANY awesome people but also you were one of the reasons I started blogging! Nic you sent a tweet saying, “Dear strangers, don’t stay unknown!” and my twitter name was mentioned in that tweet! Your tweet was one of the small inspirations to start blogging; I became known! Thank you Nic for being awesome and always staying cool when I made a bad joke! You are lucky and you are kind and you are so forgiving!

Robert

Source: http://lrtackle15.blogspot.com/2010/07/finally-posting.html

<3 Rib

bliss

2010-07-09T20:22:00.003+02:00

a few days ago I wrote a post called "Arguable". Apparently he read it. Because about half an hour ago he asked me over to his house to play this to me...

iPodPadPhone users click here

He had to play it 2 more times :o)

Seventeen years

2010-07-07T11:27:00.002+02:00

To my dear friend Dominik

Seventeen years of your existence on this world. Five of them in my heart. One of them as my heart.

For seventeen years you bring happiness to all the people around you by just smiling at them.

For Seventeen years the world has been a better place just because you are there. Maybe not 6 billion people's world, but our world. We, your family and your friends, we are blessed to have your smartness, your love and your kind soul around us. Your ability to sense people's moods and don't look away is god's gift to us. You don't look away, you take your time and talk to them and always, always make them feel better.

'Love' is being used too loosely these days.. "I love spaghetti, I love Michael Jackson, I love my new shoes"... I say that word a lot. To say I love you is an understatement times 10.

You make my life so much better. My heart beats faster whenever I think of you. And whenever I think of you, your smile is the first thing I see. It doesn't only represent your beauty but also the beauty of your soul.

You make me happy.

To my angel and my boyfriend Dominik

You took me under your wings when I came to Germany almost 6 years ago. You've been there for me, protected me, laughed with me... even laughed at me :)

you've cried with me, you've comforted me and you've held me.

your touch, your shoulder, your words have always lifted me up and made me happy again.

Little over a year ago I would have never expected us to be together as lovers.

I slowly begin to realize how much the two of us were meant to be together.

All the things you have done for me have been selfless and show your endless love.

I can only hope I get the chance for many years to show you how much I love you.

(paused to think)

See, I know what you are doing right when you read this. You're smiling and you think this is a corny love letter.

And yes, oh yes it is... I post it in here to show everyone else who hasn't had the fortune to meet you in person what you mean to me..

To my brother, my flesh and blood Dominik

you are a part of my family. IF, IF, and I say it again IF we ever part ways, my love won't change for you. You are and you always will be a part of my life. Thank you for being my friend, my lover and my brother. Thank you for being.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dominik expected a "surprise" party for his birthday. He expected it for the coming weekend. But he snooped around a bit and found out that a few of our friends are gonna leave on Friday afternoon for vacation with their families (school vacation starts on Friday in our school).

So he told me very proudly that he has found out that we plan the party on his birthday... which is today...

I told him to act surprised and not ruin it for his friends.

Of course I lied to him. What he didn't expect was the invasion to his bedroom last night at midnight.

We were 18 friends who got together at quarter to 12 at my house. everyone was on time :)

then we walked to Domi's house.

His mom knew everything about it. She told us that we can party from 12 to 1 (cause it's a school night) in their party room in the basement. She even ordered food from a caterer so Domi wouldn't be suspicious about her cooking. It was so funny to have her on my side for a secret operation. She sent me a txt message when the caterer arrived. That was so sweet, she hates "that modern technology stuff" (cell phones, lol). It must have taken her a long time to txt me "ESSEN IST DA ALLES IN ORDnung" ("FOOD IS HERE EVERYTHING IS FIne").

When we arrived at Domi's house I could log in to his wifi and tweeted that we are about to enter his house. That was risky, he could have been online. But fortunately he was in bed already. But he wasn't asleep. He was watching TV when I knocked at his door. He said "ja bitte" ("yes please"). lol, what a polite bf I have.

We all opened the door fast and flooded his room and sang happy birthday. Well, we sang HÄPPIE BÖRSDAY,...

The look on his face was priceless. He was totally red in the face... he jumped up but quickly went back under the covers... he was blushing... maybe embarrassed cause he was in his pjs :)

then his mom came in and hugged him and said happy birthday. His dad said "happy birthday, son" and put a manly hand on his shoulder... lol... then we all ran down two floors to the basement while we gave Domi time to get dressed.

His mom has been awesome... she had decorated the room and had put up the food all in silence so Domi wouldn't find out. It was a big surprise to him when he came down.

We played music and partied until 2am... his parents had to throw us out. His dad actually came in and pulled the plug to the stereo :P

Oh, I won't tell you what I got him yet, cause he hasn't gotten all of his presents from me yet, but I've shown him one thing already that my friend KS has found and I've ordered it already.

So here it is, I wonder if you all will get it. Domi is already in love with it...

:o)

Arguable

2010-06-25T14:18:00.002+02:00

Hypothetical question: when someone you know has an incredible talent in something you so wish you had talent in yourself and that person doesn't make the most of it and this person happens to be your business because he is your boyfriend, are you allowed to get mad at him and not force but push him towards the right path because you only want his best? Yes or no?

Dear friend...

2010-06-21T02:20:00.003+02:00

...think about it.

you self destructive
little boy
pick yourself up
don't blame the world
so you screwed up
but you're gonna be ok
now call your friend
and apologize
you pushed him pretty
far away last night
he really loves you
you just don't always love yourself.

all this time
all this time
you have had it in you
you just sometimes need a push
all this time
all this time
you have had it in you
you just sometimes need a push

think all the mean girls
that pulled your hair
are barefoot now and
pregnant there
and you write pop songs
and get to travel
round the world

all this time
all this time
you have had it in you
you just sometimes need a push
all this time
all this time
you have had it in you
you just sometimes need a push

so you've had some detours
some stupid men
now we know what not
to do again
besides you lucked out
finally

all this time
all this time
you have had it in you
you just sometimes need a push
all this time
all this time
you have had it in you
you just sometimes need a push

<4

Shadow Dream

2010-06-19T21:22:00.003+02:00

A shadow I must seem. A figment of a dream. Having gone long ago, there is much you do not know.

I had a boyfriend for about a month. He made me happy and still does. Though sometimes confusing, he never gates me and that's one thing I love about him. I turned him bi but he loves vagina. He's now my best friend and I love him. Curse you testosterone!

School has been a major pain! In 2008 I sent some e-mails to my first major crush and they got out. Now total strangers around school know my name.

Family getting on my nerves and few friends to vent with or just talk to.

Wednesday 2am

2010-06-16T02:11:00.003+02:00

I havn't done this in a while.

Please take four minutes, sit back and listen to this song/video

iPodPadPhone http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DIKtWXliiUs

You touch these tired eyes of mine
And map my face out line by line
And somehow growing old feels fine
I listen close for I'm not smart
You wrap you thoughts in works of art
And they're hanging on the walls of my heart

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

You heeled these scars over time
Embraced my soul
You loved my mind
You're the only angel in my life
The day news came my best friend died
My knees went week and you saw me cry
Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

Mr Nice Guy

2010-06-01T09:16:00.000+02:00

If you ask the people around me, my friends in school, my teammates, my firends online and people I deal with every day, they all will tell you that I'm a positive thinking and always smiling and polite person. ugh, enough with the self loving you asshole. I'm usually in a good mood and I try to make people around me feel better about themselves, because I want them to be happy. shut up, you know you don't want to deal with naggers and whiners and negativity, why don't you just come out and say it? oh I see... cause you're "polite", Mr. Nice Guy. BULLSHIT!

FUCK IT... I DON'T FEEL LIKE TYPING ANYMORE
no, Nic, you can't post this. you're a nice guy, remember?
stop the crap, will ya? Man up and say it like it is.
say what? I don't have anything to say.
then why did you fucktard start this post?
I don't know... I was feeling weird. I wanted to say something but then I kinda got distracted with being stuck in this fucking classroom and the teacher is boring and then you came along and then my head started hurting and then I got dizzy and the weather is shit and THIS FUCKING JUSTIN BIEBER SONG IS STUCK IN MY BRAIN.... aaaaaaah.
whooooaw... where did that come from?
SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
you can't talk like that... you're a nice guy, remember?
GO AWAY. LAST WARNING.

cuddle with me

2010-05-19T23:45:00.000+02:00

I'm lying here and I'm looking at the door. I feel lonely in my bed, though I know you're there somewhere.
I feel emptiness cause I long for something that's not here with me. Where it should be.
I hug my pillow and close my eyes. I hold it tight.

When I open my eyes I can see your face. You smile at me and give me a wink.
Your hair is messed up but you look calm and peaceful.
Can you be more beautiful?

You put your arm around me and pull me closer.
I touch your cheek. It's red and warm.
You look at me and smile again. You kiss my hand.

If you only knew how much I want you.

I want to say something but you put your finger on my lips. You touch my nose and pinch my cheek.
I kiss your fingers one by one. I kiss your palm.
You smell so good. I take you in.
I grab your head and bring my lips to yours

But you hold me back. You touch my forehead and move your hand. You close my eyes.
Then I can feel you. I can feel you inside. You're on my lips, you're in my head, you're in my heart.
God, it's so beautiful and warm and like paradise.

I'm happy you're in my life.
I open my eyes again and look at the door. I feel lonely in my bed, though I know you're there somewhere.

But I don't feel emptiness anymore cause I know there's something that is with me. Where it should be.

together forever

Guess Who's Back

2010-05-07T15:17:00.002+02:00

Friends, its been awhile. School's been rough, I've been doing my best to study hard and prepare for my IB exams....which started this week. They. are. hard. basically. But they also give me a lot of time away from school, which means i have time to do fun things like this!

You haven't missed out on much....well a few things a suppose i should note:

I was waitlisted from my dream school at the university of minnisota-twin cities, and forced to apply to another school, and It looks like Im going to the university of wisconsin-milwaukee. Hope its fun, anyone live around there?

Romantically......... you haven't missed out on anything. And that makes me a little sad, cause I want to get on here and brag about my relations and how happy i am, but alas, im limited to wild speculation and the occasional pessimistic view one day and blind optimism the next..

And heres a little speculation for you ;) There is someone Im interested in. Don't know if i actually have a chance, but im trying to figure out a way to see if it'll happen. more on that later :) but i think the two of us would be great together! They DJ and mix songs, have kind of a hipster self image like i do, and love music and art.

And the best part is (or maybe worst part) that they've inspired me to start writing again. I HAVE A MUSE! hahaha so if i feel like transcribing some poems or prose later maybe you'll get a taste of what my new stuff is like.

School's been getting me pretty down lately, but for whatever reason when i see my mystery person in the halls i honestly cant stop smiling for like an hour, i feel so energized and alive just by the smallest interaction with them.

I really really hope this one works out, but at the same time I dont want to get my hopes up at all. History says its all in my head and regardless of how i feel, I'm just going to be dissapointed.

Well thats about it, i need to go get ready for my next test, its at 9am and its paper two of the Psych exam...which im pretty confident about. just saying....

personality... disordered

2010-05-03T13:57:00.003+02:00

After answering 76 questions, a personality test had this to say about me. I'm an ENFP.
ENFPs are introspective, values-oriented, inspiring, social and extremely expressive.
They actively send their thoughts and ideas out into the world as a way to bring attention to what they feel to be important, which often has to do with ethics and current events.
ENFPs are natural advocates, attracting people to themselves and their cause with excellent people skills, warmth, energy and positivity.
ENFPs are described as creative, resourceful, assertive, spontaneous, life-loving, charismatic, passionate and experimental.

(http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/enfp/)

I have only one thing to say regarding last night's events.

There is nothing that will change who I am. Yes, I am hurt. And yes I feel burnt. But no matter what you do and what you say, I will not become a cynical, self-hating, anti-social person like you.

DM to friend: wow, I just read what happened last night... wtf... seriously... wtf... I seem to cause drama even when I'm not there. why are they mean 2me

DM back from friend: jealousy. some think you're too good to be true, bunch of cynical a**holes :/ dont mind them! just take it all in stride!

You think I am lucky? You think I live in a golden world? You're not happy for me? You can't grant me happiness with my boyfriend and my current life?

And you call yourself a friend?

I am a happy person... I worked hard to be where I am right now. I went through a lot of pain in my life.

Do you really want me to post about those things to make you feel better? To let you know that I am not a golden child?

I'm sorry I'm not depressed. I'm sorry I'm not an angry person. I'm sorry I don't cut myself and post pictures of it on my blog.

But if I would... would that make you happier? Think about it...

I'm done with you
Nic

the thing with the trip and the concert and the sexual tension (part 2)

2010-04-30T11:24:00.017+02:00

Apparently I must have caught something on the trip to Berlin because the next day I started to feel weak and over the next few days I developed a nice fever of 40°C/104°F and almost coughed my lungs out.
Domi wasn't allowed to see me because I was highly contagious and he had this concert coming up on Saturday. (In case you're not following... we came back from Berlin on Tuesday and his concert was the following Saturday)
So yeah in short, I was almost dead and I wasn't sure if I could make it to the concert. Not because I felt weak... oh no, I would've gone even in a wheel chair... no, the thing was my really bad and constant coughing... It was a classic music concert and not a rock concert... so imagine someone sitting in the audience and coughing all the time.
Domi tried everything to help me get better... up to the point where he called me at 10am and pm to remind me to take my antibiotics... cause I had to take them every 12 hours. And he refused to continue talking to me on the phone until I drank a glass of juice.
He even came over once and brought me soup that his mom had made with the words "I helped cutting the vegetables"... :o)

But my body didn't want to get better...

So Saturday arrived and he couldn't be with me because he had to be at the concert hall all day for preparations, sound check, rehearsals and so on.

But during his breaks he called me from his cell and told me what they were doing. It was very exciting because he told me with a passion and excitement in his voice about all the professionals running around and what they were doing and about all the stuff that was going on... the lighting, the acoustics... I'm trying to remember all the stuff he told me...

Anyways... troughout the day he and I both still hoped that I could make it. I drank a lot of tea to calm my bronchitis down. I even took those awful codeine drops which... wait... let me look it up...

Codeine is a fairly common drug that is generally used in the medical field to treat pain and is a cough suppressant as well.

...but still... my coughing didn't get better... it was so bad actually that I had that gag reflex and almost vomitted twice...

ummm... sorry... graphic...

The concert began at 8pm... prior to that our last phone conversation was about half an hour before. He wasn't nervous the whole day but when he saw the audience and the seats filling up he got more and more nervous by the minute. He should have been used to it by then you may think, seeing as that was his second concert in that music hall in front of 3,500 people.
btw, I have to add that it wasn't only Domi's concert, but of about 20 musicians with different combinations: solo artists, orchestra, string quartets and so on.
Domi had three pieces to play... two with the orchestra and one solo piece... his solo piece was the second last one and on the last concert that I attended he had a standing ovation of what felt like 2 minutes... and guys... a standing ovation of two minutes from people who are umm... well... imagine older women in their jewelery and costumes and their fur coats... well... a standing ovation of a crowd that usually claps three times very quietly with two fingers inside their palms... means a lot.

So yeah we finished our phone call when he had to go to the musicians meeting and get his peptalk from the conductor/music teacher. So I wished him good luck, gave him a corny smooch over the phone and sent him on his way. I could hear the disappointment in his voice about me not being there with him.

So there I was... being sad and a little bit teary-eyed [from the fever of course ;o)]. And I went on twitter and talked to my friends.
About 1 and a half hours later at about 9:30pm my cellphone rang... I could see it was Domi and I was already wondering why the concert was over so quickly.
When I picked up I could hear steps, some crackling and static noise and nothing else... he wasn't speaking... I yelled "DOMI, DOOOOMI, ARE YOU OK?" and there was no reply.

(you should listen to this while you read on)

Then I heard him start to play... he played Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
I thought to myself he must have called me before going on stage.
Later he told me he went out and placed his cellphone right next to his sheets and got a weird look from his teacher.

When I heard him play, a lot of things went through my mind. Suddenly I was very emotional and I'm getting a bit emotional right now while I'm typing this.
I thought about how much I love him and how much he loves me for doing such a thing.
It's a really small gesture but it meant the world to me.
Who on gods green earth thinks about another person and comes up with a plan to involve them while THREE THOUSAND FIVEHUNDRED people are outside sitting and waiting for him to come out and play? Who comes up with the idea of letting someone be a part of the amazing thing they are experiencing by calling them on the phone and letting them listen?

A loving, caring and amazing boyfriend... that's who.

All those things went through my head as I was listening to the song.
I woke up from my daydream when the audience began to clap. Domi must have accidentally hung up on me when he grabbed his cell and his sheet music.

Later he told me he had been looking at my picture (on his cell) the whole time while he was playing.

the thing with the trip and the concert and the sexual tension (part 1)

2010-04-21T23:56:00.000+02:00

I haven't blogged in a while. But I have commented on a few other blogs. There are two guys from California I met recently and I'd like to link to their blogs. One is the very nice Robert http://lrtackle15.blogspot.com/ who for some reason likes me a lot. And the other one is Sean http://gaykiddd.blogspot.com/ who is about to get his first bf.
I read something on Sean's blog that made me think. He wrote:

It's getting more difficult to keep writing. I want to keep going; the only problem is that there's becoming less and less to write about. There seems to be little I've already said, [...] I do enjoy it; a lot. However to me, it feels like I've been overly redundant in the last few posts and that it will continue if I try and force myself to write; and I don't like redundancy and it bothers me, the idea of having to force myself to write is irritating. I'd rather not; so I won't.

I thought about that for a while then commented this:

I know that feeling. I think I've talked too much about Dominik and love and death in general.
But a blog is something personal. So you're not writing for an audience, you're writing for yourself. If people stick around and comment once in a while then that's awesome but for me it's not why I blog. It's because I want to write things down. Once it'S written down it helps me cope with it much better.

Tell me what you think about it.

Last time I blogged Dominik was in Berlin with his (very expensive) piano teacher preparing for a concert. I was missing him a lot and had not seen him for over a week.

My sadness was so obvious to my folks and his parents that they all chipped in and bought me a train ticket to Berlin so I could go to him on his last day there and travel back with him.

In hindsight it was kinda dumb to travel by train cause a flight would have been A LOT cheaper. But hey, who am I to complain, it wasn't my money :P My folks just don't know how to use the "modern day technology" of booking a cheap flight over the internet.

So I left on Tuesday two weeks ago for Berlin in the fastest train Germany has called ICE. It travels with the speed of 250km/h, But because it had to stop about 5 or 6 times in different cities the trip took about 4 hours and 20 minutes.

On the way there I was in a cabin with a lot of seats. So I was a bit 'worried' about privacy for the way back with Dominik. The inside looked something like this.

When I arrived in Berlin I took a taxi to the address Domi's mom gave me. Of course he didn't know I'm coming and I wanted to surprise him. I arrived at the door and the doors were closed and there was no one who could let me in. After a while I found a different entrance to the building and the nice lady guided me to the hall where Dominik and his teacher were practising. It was so awesome hearing him play while still being outside.

Knowing my boyfriend I decided to wait outside until he finishes the piece he was playing, because Dominik is one of those musicians who forget everything around them while they are playing. He also has the habit of finishing whatever he is playing before doing anything else. Like... he wouldn't even reply to a question or get up when his mom calls for him or.. and I'm not exaggerating... when the house is burning (not that it happened but I can imagine him still finishing before he'll get up to run away) lol.

So this is what surprised me and it's moments like this that make me think "wow he really loves me".

Here's what happened: You can imagine that classical piano pieces are quite... ummm... longish. So I couldn't wait any longer and decided to go in.

He completely ignored that someone came in... he didn't look up. His teacher only looked up from the music sheets he was reading along Domi's play and smiled and I made a gesture that I don't want to interrupt and will sit down.

CLUMSY ME knocked of a sheet holder while trying to sit down and that's when Domi looked up. And here THE MAGIC happened :o) He stopped playing instantly and said NIIIIIC and ran to me and gave me a tiiiiight hug.

After he introduced me to his teacher with the words "Das ist mein Freund Nic von dem ich dir erzählt hab" (this is my friend Nic I told you about). He couldn't really concentrate on playing and his teacher told him to call it a day. He said, he can't make him any better... you had to see Domi's smile... it lit up the whole room :)

ummm... sorry, I gotta do this:

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOOOOOOOOVE YOUUUUU

ok, done...

So yeah... we went to his hotel room and... err... "packed his stuff"... LOL, that's a good one... yeah we "packed his stuff" and went to the train station.

On our way home we had a different ICE and the seating was in cabins like that:

For most of the trip back we were sitting alone. But later a businessman came in and set down and he had this really really awful aftershave and a lot of it too.

You can imagine there are no windows in a train that drives 4 times as fast as regular trains with windows. So I came up with a plan to get rid of him. It was a win-win situation... win-win for me (ref to Glee). Domi and I started making out and apparently it was a bit too much for the guy when I started getting my hands under Domi's shirt... He got up and left the cabin... Sometimes I like homophobia. Assuming he was homophobic. He might as well be a nice guy who wanted to give us privacy... We'll never know...

Anyways, we arrived really late at home... it was about 2 am I think... And I fell asleep with a feeling of pure happiness... of course I wore his t-shirt that night again :o)

END OF PART 1, this is already too long. In the next part I'm gonna talk about my bronchitis that stopped me from visiting his concert on the following Saturday and about what he did to still make it possible for me to be at the concert... oh god, there is so much to write about... and I haven't even started about the third thing... the sexual tension part...

I shouldn't have waited so long to make a blogpost.

intense everything

2010-04-02T23:05:00.000+02:00

love makes you do wondrous things
I haven't seen Domi for 1 week now.
It's for a good reason. He's in Berlin practising with one of the world's best pianists.
Domi is going to have a concert with a whole bunch of others next Saturday in front of 3,500 people.

I'm very proud of him.
Still... his absence is causing physical pain. I had this weird feeling in my gut the whole day. I felt like I have to vomit constantly. That feeling was gone after he txted me and said he's gonna call later today.

There are things - like this - that are out of my control.
"Man up, Nic" - I would if I could.

love is intense. it makes you do the weirdest things.
I went over to his house and told his mom I had forgotten something in Domi's room.
I went upstairs and grabbed one of his t-shirts and put it on under my sweater.
Totally dumb, but I feel closer to him.

I'm wearing it now.

Interesting conversation

2010-04-02T14:37:00.005+02:00

<a href="http://twitoaster.com/country-de/ntotheitothec/do-i-have-to-accept-this-and-this-as-part-of-my-culture-if-yes-why/">Do I have to accept this bit.ly and this bit.ly as - Twitter conversation</a>

<a href="http://twitoaster.com/country-de/ntotheitothec/why-do-i-have-to-prove-that-thats-not-remotely-close-to-who-i-am/">Why do I have to prove that that’s not remotely - Twitter conversation</a>

<a href="http://twitoaster.com/country-de/ntotheitothec/heres-a-shocker-i-dont-like-to-shop/">Here’s a shocker: I don’t like to shop - Twitter conversation</a>

<a href="http://twitoaster.com/country-de/ntotheitothec/i-know-i-sound-horrible-but-its-bugging-me-like-lgbt-community-why-am-i-supposed-to-be-in-the-same-boat-as-lesbians-or-transgenders/">I know I sound horrible but it’s bugging me. - Twitter conversation</a>

<a href="http://twitoaster.com/country-de/ntotheitothec/not-that-lesbians-or-transgenders-are-any-less-of-people-than-i-am-i-just-wonder-why-i-have-to-be-associated-with-them-just-cause-im-gay/">Not that lesbians or transgenders are any less of - Twitter conversation</a>

I've been missing you

2010-03-31T12:24:00.001+02:00

I've got the roses, I've got the wine,
With a little luck he will be here on time,
This is the place we used to go,
With romantic music and the lights down low,
And as you stand there amazed at the door,
And you're wondering what all this is for,
It's just a simple thing from me to you,
The boy that I adore, 'cos there's something,
That you should know, it's that

I've been missing you, more than words can say,
And that I've been thinking about it every day,
And the time we had just dancing nice and slow,
And I said now I've found you,
I'm never letting go;

There is no reason to the things that we do,
You can break a heart with just a word or two,
And take a lifetime to apologise,
When the one you love's in front of your eyes,
And I will fall to my knees like a fool,
If it's the only way of getting through,
You see if I think you are beautiful,
Someone else is going to feel it too,So there's only one thing to do, tell you that

I've been missing you, more than words can say,
And that I've been thinking about it every day,
Well tonight's our night for dancing nice and slow,
Because now I've found you, I'm never letting go,
No, now I've found you, I'm never letting go;

I've been missing you... I've been missing you...
I've been missing you... I've been missing you, darling.

awesome tweets...

2010-03-24T15:24:00.000+01:00

...on an awesome day

home, life is so good, I can't stress it enough. I'm sitting OUTSIDE in the garden at the garden table, the sun is shining, yet not too much.

I have my computer with everything attached to it for me to spend a long rest of the day in front of it talking to my friends on skype and

working on "Sexy Time with Nic" :o) - And as if that isn't enough of greatness on this beautiful day, mom has bought HP BBQ sauce with

woodsmoke and honey flavor. And the neighbors have put sausages on the grill and I'm gonna eat GRILLED sausage with smoke-flavored HP sauce.

oh oh oh... to top it all off: DOMI is gonna come by in about an hour. I'M IN FUCKING HEAVEN.

I think I need to blog this, cause I wanna save the image of this awesome day forever.

emotional intelligence

2010-03-23T20:07:00.001+01:00

[19:57:44] Nic: Person?
[19:58:00] Person: what? <-- FIRST MISTAKE
[19:58:35] Nic: I miss you a lot Person
[19:58:48] Nic: I so want to hug you right now.
[19:58:50] Nic: *sigh*
[19:59:14] Person: oh... ok <-- DON'T YOU GO OVERBOARD WITH THE DISPLAY OF YOUR AFFECTION, PERSON

I can imagine Person rolling his eyes, thinking "what does he want me to say?"

NOTHING, PERSON... NOTHING.

*sigh*

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_intelligence

crazy idea?

2010-03-20T10:57:00.000+01:00

I've been toying with the idea of a podcast for a while. A talk show with segments and the occasional co-host. 20 minutes short. why not?

Charlie: @ntotheitothec interesting... any ideas on what you would be talking about?
Urs: @ntotheitothec what is stopping you to do this podcast?
Torchy: @ntotheitothec 20 mins is actually very long unless you're already established. I'd say 5 mins tops

Of course I need to have a good concept. What I wanna do is to have recurring segments.
I'd like to do 3 things,

1. have a co host (may change every time...) or just a guest.
2. make a segment where I talk about someone's blog ("today's featured blogpost") from our community
3. talk about tweets and emails like Craig Ferguson does in his show.

4. throwing in a song of the day maybe (not sure about the copyright stuff)

of course I need your ideas and your help. I'd like I'm pretty sure 5 minutes is too short... a nice 20 minute episode will do just fine.

I tried recording a conversation with Lloyd earlier today on skype and it works.
So yeah... what do you think?

Help Me

2010-03-16T12:42:00.000+01:00

music video dedicated to my friends

I wish I could define
All the thoughts that crossed my mind
They seem too big for me to choose
I don't know which ones to lose
When I'm falling down so far
I think I'll never see your light
Bouncing off of me
Shining down here from your eyes

Help me
Figure out the difference
Between right and wrongWeak and strong
Day and night
Where I belong and
Help me
Make the right decisions
Know which way to turn
Lessons to learn
And just what my purpose is here

It's like I got the signals crossed
With messages I can't decode
Half asleep, never wide awake
And I'm in complete overload
I got so much information here
And nothing I can really grasp
I should know the truth
But I'm too afraid so I have to ask
Help me
Figure out the difference
Between right and wrong
Weak and strong
Day and night
Where I belong and
Help me
Make the right decisions
Know which way to turn
Lessons to learn
And just what my purpose is here

Wanna know you
More than anything
I need you
In my every dream, you're there for me
Do you love me?
For who I am, no angel
Just an ordinary man

Help me figure out why I'm stuck in the middle
Trying to understand why I can't
Why you're such a riddle
Got my eyes crossed
I'm thinking so hard and I know I'm missing the mark
Can you help me sort out
All this information
I'm just rackin' my brain, baby
Paying attention
But I'm still lost
And at all costs
I gotta know (gotta know, oh)

Help me
Figure out the difference
Between right and wrong
Weak and strong
Day and night
Where I belong and
Help me
Make the right decisions
Know which way to turn
Lessons to learn
And just what my purpose is here

Help me figure out why I'm stuck in the middle
Trying to understand why I can't
Why you're such a riddle
Got my eyes crossed
I'm thinking so hard and I know I'm missing the mark
Can you help me sort out
All this information
I'm just rackin' my brain, baby
Paying attention
But I'm still lost
And at all costs
I gotta know

couples forever?

2010-03-12T21:02:00.000+01:00

I had this interesting conversation with a very good friend on skype. It's about eternal love and especially about my relationship with Dominik.

Nic: can I ask you something?
Anonymous: sure
Nic: do you think Domi and I have a chance to grow old together?
Nic: I mean
Nic: seriously
Nic: we're young now and in love
Nic: but is that gonna last forever?
Nic: I think about that once in a while
Anonymous: well this is what i think
Anonymous: i know that the best couples, straight and gay, are not based on sex, but usually happen after being great friends for a long time
Anonymous: so i think that the two of you are emotionally over compatible
Anonymous: however
Anonymous: i know you, and i know you fucking love to fuck
Anonymous: and i dont know domi that well
Anonymous: but something tells me that cause he's a human, he also loves to fuck
Nic: yes and we both are ok with the other one wanting to fuck
Nic: I have no probs with him fucking girls
Nic: you know that
Anonymous: sex leads to bigger feelings
Nic: and yes you've analyzed me well (in that depratment)
Nic: does it?
Anonymous: when you get older
Anonymous: and my personal philosophy, from understanding modern analysis of sexuality
Anonymous: is that it is not static for most people. it changes over your lifetime
Anonymous: subtlely for some, entirely for others, it really just depends
Anonymous: and you guys will change too... growing up makes different people out of all of us
Anonymous: and i am NOT
Anonymous: trying to say you guys will fail
Anonymous: but young people dont know what they want
Nic: I know you're not meaning to hurt me... so go ahead... it's interesting
Anonymous: i mean, in my grade
Anonymous: of about 350 people
Anonymous: we have maybe.... MAYBE.... 3 couples that will get married.
Anonymous: maybe none
Anonymous: and the couples who might get married, have been together since 8th grade... 5 years ago
Anonymous: and im not saying you guys wont stay together
Anonymous: how many couples in your school do you think will be together forever?
Nic: there are no couples in my school that are together longer than 6 months
Nic: but my school is small
Nic: Domi and I have been best friends for 4 years and a couple for over a year now
Nic: what do you think?
Anonymous: i can only speculate for the people who i THINK are going to get married, people i have seen together for 5 years... i've never seen you two interact.. i wouldnt be comfortable saying one way or the other
Nic: right
Nic: I'm not talking about marriage
Nic: I'm talking about being in love forever
Anonymous: same difference
Nic: I can't imagine the day when I realize I don't love him anymore
Anonymous: well you might love him forever
Anonymous: i could believe that
Anonymous: but will you be together forever? i cant say that

Anonymous: i can totally believe you will love him forever, i know ill love you forever, and i know people love each other forever... but love is a really, really, really losely defined and ambigous word babe....
Anonymous: i mean, your love for him is different then the love for your mom? or your love for sex? or barack obama? those are all different types of love...
Nic: yes
Anonymous: well.....my question for you, when you get back, is... if you could compare your love for domi to another kind of love, what would it be?
Nic: I can't actually compare it to any other love... cause it's a category of love on it's own
Anonymous: well what comes close to it?
Nic: my love for choclate
Nic: cause it's close to an adiction

-----------------------

Now, it would be great to hear about your opinion. Can couples in their teens be couples forever?

comfort

2010-03-07T17:24:00.000+01:00

Mika is a guy I met through Domi. He's 19 and has a car.
Last night he and his boyfriend took me and Domi out for a ride.
They had plans to go to a club but decided to just have a slow and quiet evening in respect of recent events.

We drove to this place on top of a hill and had a nice view down on the city. Mika had brought peppermint tea.
He poured everyone a cup of tea and we just sat out there in the cold and didn't talk much.

this was a very important night for me. I hardly know Mika and his bf. but that just shows me, that Domi knows to befriend the right people. they were there for me... laughed with me, they were silent with me, they were just empathetic.

Dominik - my friend, my soul mate, the person who gives me so much in life, held my hand all the time and was resting his head on my shoulder. It was cold outside and very windy... yet I could feel his warmth... and smell his hair.

thank you my friends for being there for me... both in person or in spirit. I'm glad you're in my life.

I love you
Nic

Getting it off my chest?

2010-03-06T14:00:00.003+01:00

Saturday, noon. We just came home from Oma's funeral. So many people she was friends with. So many people who loved her. Everyone keeps telling me how much she talked about me. How proud she was of her son's kids. They mean well when they take my hand and tell me about all the things they've heard of me. They don't realize that every single word of their's hurts and reminds me of how close I was to her.

Why am I here? This blog used to be the place to get things off my chest. I always felt better after writing it down.
But the pain doesn't go away.

----------------

It's 1:45pm now. I had to go help mom with serving lunch to our guests. I have no idea what this is for? Why do you have to entertain people after a funeral?

I don't know what the point of this post is. I wanted to get stuff out of my head but it's still there. It doesn't get better. All I want now is for everyone to leave me alone. Is that too much to ask? Why do I have to function?

Oma passed away in her sleep. She died of natural causes. Her attorney gave us a pre-recorded video of her from last summer. She knew she was gonna go. What's really disturbing is that she wasn't really Oma. She was all businessy and told us what to do with her and her belongings after her death.

------------

I want to thank you all for the direct messages and emails. Although I hardly reply to them, be assured that I read them. I just need time... I can't come back on twitter or skype and pretend I'm happy.

Is there a God?

2010-03-05T13:16:00.005+01:00

Thank God it's Friday - I say that almost every Friday. Yet I don't know who I am thanking.
He took away my dad years ago, He took away my grandma 4 days ago. Is He real?
Why do we run to Him whenever we need time to regain our strength to face the world?
Why do we run to Him if he is the Almighty and hence responsible for our loss of strength in the first place?

I do believe in Him. Not a Christian Him... I don't do religion. But I believe in Him... whoever He might be.

"I've seen your flag on the marble arch

Love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"

- Leonard Cohen. 1984 -

goodbye Oma

2010-03-03T21:05:00.000+01:00

so overwhelmed

2010-02-15T00:49:00.000+01:00

I LOVE YOU
ALL OF YOU
I LOVE THE WORLD

[00:06:28] Nic: Petey
[00:06:58] Petey: Nic
[00:07:06] Nic: I need someone to talk to or I'm gonna explode
[00:07:21] Petey: oh
[00:07:23] Petey: why?
[00:07:40] Nic: I'm having an emotional breakdown I guess
[00:07:48] Petey: oh :O
[00:07:50] Nic: I'm in tears
[00:07:54] Nic: tears of happiness
[00:07:58] Petey: oh
[00:08:08] Petey: whys that a breakdown? o.O
[00:08:10] Nic: I'm so overwhelmed
[00:08:17] Nic: have no idea what to do
[00:08:21] Nic: I'm just crying
[00:09:17] Nic: I don't know
[00:09:22] Nic: I can't say breakup
[00:09:24] Nic: :)
[00:09:33] Nic: though it's an up
[00:10:02] Nic: (hug) (hug) (hug) (hug) (hug)
[00:10:05] Petey: tell me what happened ffs
[00:10:19] Nic: Dominik happened. that's all
[00:10:37] Nic: I'm so much in love, my heart is beating totally fast
[00:10:46] Nic: my system is weird
[00:10:51] Nic: my stomach turns
[00:11:07] Nic: I had the most amazing night of my life
[00:11:30] Petey: ic
[00:12:23] Petey: what did he do?
[00:12:31] Petey: or what did you two do i guess?
[00:12:57] Nic: can I start with the best part?
[00:13:05] Nic: he kissed me
[00:13:17] Petey: why dont you just start at the beginning lol
[00:13:27] Nic: I don't know
[00:13:52] Nic: I don't wanna tell you.. if I tell you I won't blog about it
[00:14:32] Petey: oh
[00:14:39] Petey: then i guess i'll have to wait :P
[00:14:50] Nic: is that ok with you?
[00:15:03] Petey: yeah lol
[00:15:15] Nic: oh my god, look at me... I'm a mess... the tears won't stop
[00:15:34] Petey: lol
[00:15:37] Petey: i cant look at you...
[00:15:59] Petey: well i can, but its just a pic...
[00:16:54] Nic: :)
[00:16:59] Nic: I love you
[00:17:03] Nic: I love the world
[00:17:15] Nic: I love your dad
[00:17:19] Petey: O_O
[00:17:20] Nic: I love your fishtank
[00:17:25] Petey: lmao
[00:17:26] Petey: wow
[00:17:38] Nic: I told you, my heart is full of love, I'm gonna explode
[00:17:57] Petey: try not to make a mess when you do
[00:17:59] Petey: :P
[00:18:22] Nic: (hug) (h) (hug) (h) (hug) (h) (hug) (h) (hug)

[00:20:20] Tylertgbh: :)
[00:20:25] Tylertgbh: i'm not very good with words :P
[00:20:30] Tylertgbh: (hug)
[00:20:43] Nic: thank you so much
[00:20:56] Nic: I'm just overwhelmed, that's all
[00:20:59] Nic: I LOVE YOU TYLER
[00:21:12] Nic: (hug) (h) (hug) (h) (hug) (h) (hug) (h) (hug) (h) (hug) (h) (hug) (h) (hug) (h) (hug) (h) (hug) (h) (hug) (h) (hug) (h) (hug)

[00:27:15] Wkboy: AWww xD
[00:27:19] Wkboy: Calm down
[00:27:21] Wkboy: tell me all about it :)
[00:28:41] Nic: I can't calm down :)
[00:28:44] Nic: I LOVE YOU WICKY

[00:26:25] Lloydie!: OMG!!!!
[00:26:31] Lloydie!: *jealous*
[00:26:35] Lloydie!: ;(
[00:26:41] Lloydie!: im so happy for you!
[00:26:48] Nic: :) I LOVE YOU LLOYD
[00:29:26] Lloydie!: so did u have a wonderful valentines?
[00:30:04] Nic: YESSSSSSSSS
[00:30:57] Lloydie!: naaaaw!!!
[00:31:07] Lloydie!: where did u go for your date?
[00:32:16] Lloydie!: was it somewhere romantic?
[00:32:28] Nic: I won't tell you
[00:32:36] Nic: cause if I do, then I won't blog about it
[00:32:40] Nic: and I so wanna blog about it
[00:33:38] Lloydie!: ok!
[00:33:46] Lloydie!: blog about it!
[00:33:49] Nic: :)
[00:34:30] Lloydie!: how was his kiss?
[00:34:41] Lloydie!: u didnt cry when he kissed u right/
[00:36:27] Nic: no no no I didn't
[00:36:33] Nic: and it was beautiful
[00:36:41] Nic: it felt like he kissed me for the first time
[00:36:46] Nic: I know it sounds dumb
[00:36:49] Nic: but
[00:36:59] Nic: omg, he is just a dream come true
[00:39:54] Lloydie!: (inlove)
[00:39:59] Lloydie!: im so happy for you!
[00:40:13] Lloydie!: i wish they made more dominik in the world XD

Dedicated to you

2010-02-10T21:55:00.000+01:00

Mr. Nat "King" Cole with "Nature Boy" from the year 1947

There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy
And sad of eye
But very wise
Was he

And then one day
A magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many things, fools and kings
This he said to me
"The greatest thing
You'll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return"

When you left...

2010-02-09T18:18:00.003+01:00

Hello Papa :o)

today, 12 years ago. you had to leave. I can't believe it has been so long already. I almost forgot about today. I was wondering why there were two candles in front of your picture on the desk.

I've lit them. I hope you can see.

Christina set some incense to burn. The whole house is smelling of it.

I want to come and see you, but it's 6 already and they close the cemetry. I know you don't want to see me there. I really don't want to be there either. You're here with me all the time anyway. And that's what counts, right papa?

Mom is gonna be home soon and she's gonna see it. I know, I already told Christina that would be bad, but she insists on remembering this day. We all miss you a lot, I hope you know that.

I hope you are doing fine where ever you are right now. Please don't be sad. I'm trying not to be sad too.

I don't know what to say anymore. You pretty much know everything.

I guess I'll go now.

I love you, papa.

bye bye

your son

I love you more

2010-01-31T13:35:00.002+01:00

Dear Nicky,

I will never hurt you again and you will never ever cry because of me.
I want you to know this. I promise.

I've been away for too long and everyday I missed you more.
You look like you did before only prettier. Everyday I love you more.

Clouds above go sailing by
I found my meaning in this life
clear white is flying in my eyes,
underneath a blue, blue sky
The waves come rolling in with the tide.

I've been away too long
and everyday I missed you more.
You look like you did before
only prettier.
Everyday I love you more.

All the people rushing by, by, by
looking for meaning in this life
so used up, and blinded by lies,
They're underneath the blue, blue sky
the way they seldom seem to smile
I don't know why.

'Cause I've been away too long
and everyday I missed you more.
You look like you did before,
only prettier.
Everyday I love you more.
I love you more,
everday I love you more,
and more.

Cause I've been away too long
and everyday I missed you more.
You look like you did before,
only prettier.
And everyday I missed you more,
and more and more and more and more.
I've been away too long
and everyday I missed you more
oh you look like you did before
only prettier
everyday I love you more.

I love you more.
Everyday I love you more.

Imma KILL you

2010-01-06T00:35:00.005+01:00

ok, first things first... apparently I snore.

last night (well... this morning) I was in a skype call with Shern, Aaron and Brent.
I was really tired but then I didn't want to say goodnight and just go away. I wanted to talk to them.
I was on the verge of falling asleep but as long as the guys kept me talking I was still up and enjoyed the convo.
But then Shern had to leave for a short time and Aaron had to go talk to his housemate and so only Brent and I were left.

What you have to know is, that Brent and I just met yesterday, so we had not much to talk about... just polite conversation and trying to get to know each other.

What Brent did was, he kind of stoped asking me questions and concentrated on something and was quiet for like 5 minutes.

This was enough for me to fall asleep.

now: THAT CREEEEEEP (:op) didn't hang up on me... OH NOOOO... he stayed connected and listened to me sleep. So I must have started to snore after a bit.

and this is what happened: (my comments are in red)

[05.01.2010 11:54:28] Aaron: can i ditch u both?
[05.01.2010 12:12:19] Brent: LOL! I forgot I was in a conversation
(sometime between 11:54 and 12:12 I must have fallen asleep)
[05.01.2010 12:12:22] Brent: Somebody?
[05.01.2010 12:12:27] Brent: I think Nic is asleap xD
[05.01.2010 12:13:56] Brent: KS, Aaron? :/
[05.01.2010 12:18:50] Brent: I wish someone would come back, I need someone to laugh at Nic's snoring with me. (oh you little devil)
[05.01.2010 12:19:06] Brent: Also, I feel kinda creepy - like that guy Nic was telling me about.
[05.01.2010 12:23:26] Shern: i'm bk now
(at this time Brent is listening to me sleep for 15 minutes)
[05.01.2010 12:23:38] Shern: hey guys
[05.01.2010 12:24:06] Brent: Haha, thank god
[05.01.2010 12:24:06] Brent: Hey
[05.01.2010 12:24:39] Shern: watsup??
[05.01.2010 12:25:04] Brent: Not lots
[05.01.2010 12:25:13] Brent: Just chillazin 8-)
[05.01.2010 12:25:15] Brent: You?
[05.01.2010 12:25:24] Shern: i'm just havin dinner now :)
[05.01.2010 12:25:24] Brent: (Listening to Nic snore, lmfao)
[05.01.2010 12:25:30] Shern: LOL is he sleeping??
[05.01.2010 12:25:34] Brent: Yup
[05.01.2010 12:25:38] Brent: He fell to sleep
[05.01.2010 12:25:38] Shern: lolwtf??
[05.01.2010 12:25:41] Shern: how did that happen??
[05.01.2010 12:25:45] Brent: Every now and then he snores (WHY DIDN'T YOU HANG UP .p)
[05.01.2010 12:25:50] Brent: I was talking to him and he was like
[05.01.2010 12:25:59] Brent: "I'm so close to falling to sleep"
[05.01.2010 12:26:06] Brent: And I'm like "Haha, alright"
[05.01.2010 12:26:13] Brent: So I stopped talking for a minute
[05.01.2010 12:26:17] Brent: And then he started snoring
[05.01.2010 12:26:21] Shern: LMFAO
[05.01.2010 12:26:26] Brent: and I forgot I was in the conversation
[05.01.2010 12:26:27] Shern: maybe it's time to play the penis game
[05.01.2010 12:26:32] Brent: LOL!
[05.01.2010 12:26:33] Shern: how was avatar btw?
[05.01.2010 12:27:20] Brent: Oh, it was pretty good
[05.01.2010 12:27:22] Brent: Have you seen it?
[05.01.2010 12:27:26] Shern: nopeee
[05.01.2010 12:27:36] Brent: it's pretty good in 3d
(I assume I must have had a big snore here because they laughed)
[05.01.2010 12:27:46] Shern: LMFAO
[05.01.2010 12:27:50] Brent: HAHAHA!
[05.01.2010 12:27:51] Shern: lol yes
[05.01.2010 12:28:16] Shern: he said he had sufficient sleep last night..
[05.01.2010 12:28:19] Shern: so i didn't think he'd sleep
[05.01.2010 12:28:42] Brent: He just told me he didn't sleep a lot *shrug*
[05.01.2010 12:28:49] Shern: LOL
[05.01.2010 12:28:55] Shern: 5 hours -_- (how is 5 hours sufficient sleep, Shern?)
[05.01.2010 12:28:59] Shern: that silly boy
[05.01.2010 12:29:04] Brent: Hahaha
[05.01.2010 12:30:24] Shern: lol man he's really going at it
(AND YOU ARE STILL LISTENING TO IT... GRRR)

[05.01.2010 12:30:29] Brent: xD
[...]
[05.01.2010 12:32:32] Shern: XD short snores
[05.01.2010 12:32:49] Brent: He was telling me about another time he fell asleep on skype
[05.01.2010 12:33:05] Brent: and he said he was lucky that he doesnt snore
[05.01.2010 12:33:12] Shern: LMFAO
[05.01.2010 12:33:13] Brent: I so want to record this
(is it just me or did it get CREEPIER?)
[05.01.2010 12:33:27] Shern: how do u do a output into input??
[05.01.2010 12:34:46] Brent: Hmm, I'll try
[05.01.2010 12:36:37] Brent: Haha, I worked it out xD
[05.01.2010 12:36:40] Shern: XD
[05.01.2010 12:36:40] Shern: lol
[05.01.2010 12:36:49] Shern: *records*
[05.01.2010 12:37:03] Shern: doesn't snore my asssss (I HATE YOUUUUU :p)
[05.01.2010 12:37:04] Shern: lol
[05.01.2010 12:37:26] Brent: Lmfao
[05.01.2010 12:37:30] Brent: I feel creepy though xD (hmmm, you shook off that thought pretty quick)
[05.01.2010 12:37:36] Brent: Recording his snoring
[05.01.2010 12:41:49] Brent: Ok, 2:50 of snoring
[05.01.2010 12:41:53] Brent: Creepy enough yet? (nah, we're BEYOND creepy at this point)
[05.01.2010 12:42:36] Shern: LOL \
[05.01.2010 12:42:37] Shern: yess
[05.01.2010 12:44:27] Shern: lol i managed to record 30 secs of it XD (oh ok, one isn't enough. now BOTH of you record it)
[05.01.2010 12:44:37] Brent: Bahahaha
[05.01.2010 12:44:47] Shern: he's gonna be so creeped out *grins* (Oh really? LOL)
[05.01.2010 12:44:53] Brent: 8-)
[05.01.2010 12:45:30] Brent: I recorded it xD
(OH GREAT-now a third person joins the FATAL DUO)
[05.01.2010 12:46:03] Aaron: He fell to sleep?
[05.01.2010 12:46:05] Aaron: BLASPHEMY!!
[05.01.2010 12:46:09] Brent: Hahahaha
[05.01.2010 12:46:15] Aaron: It's fell *asleep*
Shern sends file NICSNORING.WAV
[05.01.2010 12:48:16] Brent: Here, I looped it
[05.01.2010 12:48:20] Shern: kk
[05.01.2010 12:48:25] Shern: how do u virtually loop it?
[05.01.2010 12:48:35] Shern: can't really hear it :/
[05.01.2010 12:49:10] Brent: I dont know - did that work? :S
[05.01.2010 12:49:12] Shern: lol nope
[05.01.2010 12:49:13] Aaron: nope
[05.01.2010 12:49:16] Shern: maybe mine will
[05.01.2010 12:49:38] Shern: i'm loopin it :/
[05.01.2010 12:49:40] Aaron: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[05.01.2010 12:49:46] Aaron: LMAO!!!!
[05.01.2010 12:49:54] Shern: (angel)
[05.01.2010 12:49:59] Aaron: u can totally hear his saliva too ( OH ... MY ... GOD )
[05.01.2010 12:50:00] Aaron: OOHH!!
[05.01.2010 12:50:04] Aaron: that was a good one (at this point we are FORTY FUCKING FIVE MINUTES into the show)
[05.01.2010 12:50:25] Brent: Hahahahahaa
[05.01.2010 12:50:50] Aaron: LOL!!
[05.01.2010 12:50:59] Brent: Can you hear that now? (STOP IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT)
[...]
[05.01.2010 12:51:05] Aaron: very sexy, Nic
[05.01.2010 12:51:21] Shern: haha it's soooooo cuteee (That cute comment won't help you)
[05.01.2010 12:51:57] Brent: Hahahaha indeed (You neither - you're gonna die first)
[05.01.2010 12:54:07] Aaron: can u still hear it?
[05.01.2010 12:54:49] Aaron: *roll eyes*
[...]
[05.01.2010 14:12:08] Shern: LOL (YES, boys and girls.. they're still connected to me)
[05.01.2010 14:12:10] Shern: crashed
[05.01.2010 14:12:20] Aaron: what crashed?
[05.01.2010 14:12:25] Jacob: the mic (and they got a FOURTH person in)
[05.01.2010 14:12:26] Jacob: lol
[05.01.2010 14:12:33] Aaron: lol
[05.01.2010 14:12:35] Shern: i'm pretty sure nic crashed (oh? was I hosting? at this point I love my fucked up computer... at least he showed mercy and crashed)
[05.01.2010 14:12:36] Aaron: KS wanna host?
[05.01.2010 14:12:38] Shern: yeah sure
[05.01.2010 14:12:41] Shern: i'm an epikass host (no sir, you are one epikass CREEP) :p

Good Times

2010-01-05T23:45:00.002+01:00

Last Thanksgiving I had not much to thank for. Dominik had just broke up with me and all in all I was not in a good place emotionally.

Two months later everything has changed.
Thanks to Steve (planetx_123) who I grew to like as kind of a big brother I've been introduced to torchy! - yes, no first name, just a nickname with an exclamation mark... like CHER :op

Torchy was very nice and when I told him that I've found out about this supportive gay bloggers community and that I'd like to make more gay friends since I almost had none, he was very kind and introduced me to a lot of bloggers. I've met the nicest people since then...
There are Australians, Americans, Canadians, Brits, Mexicans, Swiss, Germans and one totally sweet guy from Malaysia. All in all I have met about 15 to 20 new people and they are all nice and we all started to talk on skype and we're all having a lot of fun and are very supportive to each other.

If you just take a look at my twitterstats, you'll understand how big this whole thing is for me.

You can see that a lot has happened in the last two months. One thing I am tremendously happy about is the fact that Dominik and I are back together. He said he never stopped loving me and that no matter what reasons he had to break up in the first place, they don't exist anymore..

So I think what I'm trying to say is, that if Thanksgiving was today, I would probably give a 15 minute speech to try to name all the things I am thankful for.

I love you all - have a great new year everyone.

tears of joy

2009-12-27T17:15:00.000+01:00

Mom is in the kitchen preparing a nice dinner. The whole house is dark-lit. A lot of candles are burning. Mom put on some old christmas cassettes/tapes.

We are listening to old recordings and whenever there is a bump or silence or a crackling mom yells "Niiiiiiic, you played with it again".

But then something happened that brought the whole house to silence...

in the middle of a song the recording stops and you hear a little baby boy play his tiny keyboards by just pressing one key at a time... there is no real melody... just rhythmic noise... then he starts to humm along and sing "la la la la"... it's me at the age of 4 I think... and then

we hear dad in the background yelling... "enoooough, nicky, sleep already".. then you hear nothing.

I think this is the magic of christmas.

It means something to me

2009-12-27T14:50:00.056+01:00

Well a kiss might be just a kiss to you
But baby it meant something to me
And a night to remember might be
Just a Monday in September
Baby it meant something to me

I know you try - It's gotta come from the heart
I know I believe it's the hardest part of love

And cause you can remember
The 22nd day in November
Baby you mean something to me

I know you try - Baby it's gotta come from the heart
I know I believe it's the hardest part of love

And a kiss might be just a kiss to you
But maybe it meant something
Or maybe it meant nothing
Baby it meant something to me

petesblog: Omg im awake already?!?! Ive only been asleep for 4 hrs! Damn skype kept me up until 4, but I blame @ntotheitothec and his cuteness

ntotheitothec: @petesblog @petesblog @petesblog @petesblog @petesblog :p <3333

petesblog: @ntotheitothec #threewordsforyou - I heart you :)

ntotheitothec: @petesblog honey? marshmallow? pumpkin pie? you there?

petesblog: #wecantdate because you are 4008.06 miles away

ntotheitothec: @petesblog <3 + *HUG* just because I can

petesblog: I just made @ntotheitothec's xmas present. Had to do it while dad was out of the house cos it's kinda hard to hide while i was working on it

petesblog: i had to stand on a chair to get the pic, and even then i had to hold the camera above my head.

ntotheitothec: @petesblog thank you Petey. I love it. <4 is our thing and will always be. now give me a *********HUUUUUUG*********

petesblog: I just got an out of the blue call from @ntotheitothec on Skype to tell me "I love you and goodnight." Why does he have to be 4000mi away :(

<4 :-*

Trust

2009-12-21T04:23:00.000+01:00

I've been gone for a long time. My computer's gone whack. I'm at my aunt's house. A lot has happened. I met some gays at school and this guy, Travis, who hungout with them. At first I hated him, but then I fell for him. I was infatuated and wanted to be around him lots. Then I told him I liked him after he asked me if I was gay. I joined the choir because he was on it (p.s. - I can't sing.) Told him on October 3rd. I didn't go to school on October 6 and I called him and asked him straight up I he liked me over the phone. He said no. There was a group of them around when I asked him. Another person asked me if I would suck his dick and I said yes. That's was my mistake! A few days later my friend, Jason (Nic, you remember Jason?) called me out and told me that he heard some things about me, the things I told Travis. I couldn't believe. Not only Jason knew, but also strangers. I was being found out and I knew that Travis couldn't no longer be trusted and neither could his friends. i am currently alienating them and staying far from them. They are trouble with a capital "T". There was a point where I felt like I had no friends and that my life was less interesting and fun than a sea sponge. I miss you guys. I don't know who I can trust here, who will be there for me when I'm down and not betray me.

darkness

2009-12-20T23:28:00.000+01:00

You look at me and see the boy
Who lives inside the golden world
But don't believe
That's all there is to see
You'll never know the real me

He smiles through a thousand tears
And harbours adolescent fears
He dreams of all
That he can never be
He wades in insecurity
And hides himself inside of me

Don't say he takes it all for granted
I'm well aware of all I have
Don't think that I am disenchanted
Please understand

It seems as though I've always been

Somebody outside looking in
Well, here I am for all of them to bleed
But they can't take my heart from me
And they can't bring me to my knees
They'll never know the real me

papa

2009-12-15T14:44:00.000+01:00

Why did you have to die when I was only at the age of five
So suddenly you were gone and I was left with answers hard to find
Now I think of you 'cause I'm in hunger for your warmth
That no one can replace
And I know that where I go you're always by my side
I just want to let you know...

Papa, oh I miss you sometimes
Papa, can you hear me when I cry
Papa, oh I miss you sometimes
Papa, can you hear me when I cry
For you

Your spirit never died and all your words I treasure in my heart
You left me with a smile but my cheeks aren't always dry from all the tears
So I think of you 'cause I'm in hunger for your warmth
That no one can replace
And I know that where I go you're always by my side
I just want to let you know

I love you papa

adults

2009-12-09T23:08:00.000+01:00

Nic: well at least he apologised
Nic: still bothers me a bit
Michael: Yes.
Michael: He apologized after kicking you for a while.
Michael: Hurt still working in you.
Michael: And not stopping by a simple excuse, probably.
Nic: yes
Nic: I'm 17 not 5

Smile

2009-12-04T17:23:00.000+01:00

Thank you, Mr. Chaplin, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Smile, though your heart is aching - Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky - You'll get by...

If you smile with your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just

hey guys

2009-12-02T22:32:00.002+01:00

Hey readers, sorry I haven't blogged in awhile... I got some feedback that what i put up was depressing, and i didn't mean it to be that way, so im sorry...
But now i think if i blog anything it will just be events, and not creative writings anymore.
My English teacher today, who ive never had anything but respect for, took me aside after a block period where we discussed Solzhenitizen's One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich for 80 minutes. I thought that she was going to compliment me on my job in the class discussion that day, but i was very very wrong. She told me that, on my last paper, and on my thesis for my extended esssay, i dont know what a theme is. She badgered me and humiliated me for 15 or 20 minutes, and i guess all i can say is im glad she didnt do it in front of the class...
anyways, i was and am extremely hurt by what she said to me..
Ive never done anything but put all of my effort into anything i gave her, and ive always enjoyed english more than any other class..
And i know the difference between a creative writing and a literary analysis... but I love doing both..
but for her to say the things she did....in the way she did....
it just makes me want to stop writing forever.
Anyways.... sorry for yet another depressing entry, at least this one isnt accompanied with a stupid poem.

~Jake~

it's hurting me more

2009-12-02T17:02:00.008+01:00

...than it's hurting you

"but then I guess you have to come to terms with the fact that you're in love with a boy who is an asshole." and stupid for saying this line

5:13 AM Nov 1st

i'm sorry Domi... I'm really really sorry.

10:16 PM Nov 1st

please watch this Domi and please forgive me ♫ http://blip.fm/~fq4r8

10:22 PM Nov 1st

Listen... it is hard sitting here and waiting for you to forgive me, when all I want to do is screaming out to the world that I'm yours,

that you own me

that I am dieing on the inside without your hugs, smiles and touch

3:25 AM Nov 5th

I made a mistake, I am sorry and you know damn well I'd do anything to take it back. Please, please forgive me

it's in the middle of the night and I am awake sitting here and doing nothing else but think of you

doesn't it mean anything to you anymore that I love you?

http://bit.ly/n82v3 just read this and started crying again. when is it gonna stop hurting?

3:18 PM Nov 13th

You got a way of spreading magic everywhere. Anywhere I go, I know you're always there

6:59 AM Nov 20th

It sounds ridiculous, but when you leave a room there's a part of me that just wants to follow you.

6:59 AM Nov 20th

Give me a reason

7:00 AM Nov 20th

"michael, I deeply, deeply, from the very bottom of my heart love him to the moon and back. I miss him so much"

"but it's hard giving it time, time is working against me. time is eating me up. I talk and talk and talk"

"and I think and think and think about it all the time"

11:33 PM Nov 24th

dear twitter hugbots, I need a hug, please don't you reject me too

11:36 PM Nov 24th

I just got a txt message and for the first time someone referred to Dominik as my ex. It's like slapping me in the face.

9:11 PM Nov 25th

Take a look at me now

2009-11-30T17:00:00.000+01:00

you coming back to me
is against all odds
and that's what I've got to face

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, oh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me, when all I can do is watch you leave
Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain, and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now, cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now, cause there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, well that's all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cause I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've got to take

Just take a look at me now

Cougar much?

2009-11-27T20:16:00.000+01:00

So I was at this perfume store called "Douglas" with my mom, right? There was this nice saleswoman in her early 40s. While mom was looking for cosmetics and an obvious gay effiminate guy with heavily smeared face was giving her samples and make up tips, that nice saleslady was showing me some new stuff from Gaultier and Joop!
She was very nice and she looked at me and said: "oh I know the perfect fragrance for you" and she took the bottle and first sprayed it on a piece of paper. Then she said "it's so much better when it gets in contact with your skin" and she touched my neck. Then she sprayed some of it on my neck and started rubbing it in. "you need to mix it with the smell of your own skin". Then she sniffed me and said, "yeees that smells good on you"

LOL That lady was totally hitting on me until mom saw it from the other side and came over and said "my SIXTEEN YEAR OLD son already found his fragrance, thank you."

the look on her face was epic.

btw, I'm gonna be 17 in a week. just saying. :-p

Don't

2009-11-17T06:50:00.003+01:00

the following is a poem from a friend of mine. Only someone who went through something like this can remotly understand what this poem is about and how beautiful it is in it's sadness.

Don’t
Dont look at me with pity, i need your strength
Dont crowd me with words, just let me talk
Dont touch me, i will reach out when im ready
Dont call me, i need time to think and work it through

Dont tell me how i should feel, feelings are beyond my control at this time

Dont stop my tears and screams, they are my path to release and healing
Dont cross the road to avoid me, just smile and say hello
Dont say you understand, just thank god that you cant
Dont be hurt by what i say or do, my pain is clouding my judgement
Dont think im going mad, im doing the best i can do to retain my sanity

Dont tell me i will forget, his memory is all i have left

and whatever you do

Dont think i dont appreciate you being here

taken from Duane's tumbler

No more tears left to cry

2009-11-10T22:32:00.000+01:00

My tears run down like razorblades - And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you or is it me?
And all the words we never say - Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights - I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over

I'm not asking for much

2009-10-30T23:33:00.000+01:00

If you know me, love me and respect me, please give me 5 minutes of your life.

Samba de Janeiro

2009-10-23T23:47:00.003+02:00

Today is Dominik's mother's 60th birthday. Since my mom and she are friends, mom decided to surprise her.
She made reservations in this brazilian restaurant where they have live music and brazilian dancers.

It was Jürgen, Mom, Christina, Domi's Dad, Domi's Mom, Dominik and I.
We all decided to go for the all you can eat, 9 types of different grilled meat. Except Mr. Dominik, who STILL thinks vegetarianism is the way to go.
Whatev. What's special about the restaurant is, that they are almost as many employees as guests there. OK, maybe I exagerate a bit, but there was a lot of them. Like every 2 minutes they came with, rice, beans, broccolli, potatoes, mushrooms, carrots, they had even personell for the different sauces... funny :)

well, it works like this. The waiters come in with big portions of grilled meat and slice it right on your plate. Then the next guy comes with beef, then the other one with filet mignon etc etc

then suddenly we heard loud music coming out of the speakers and it was the "happy birthday" song. And it turned out 4 people were having their birthday party in this restaurant tonight.
After that, brazilian samba music was playing and two female dancers came out and started to put on a show. They were almost naked and only wore a bra and a thong and some feathers on their heads.
And they started to animate people to dance with them.

And guess who got up and danced?
Dominik. Is there a dance he doesn't know?
He was dancing Samba with them. Yes with the booty shaking and all. It was delicious :)

After we all were finished eating and before the dessert, Domi and I got up and went to the car to get our joint present for his mom.
It is a set of 4 canvasses and a lot of brushes and colors for her to paint.

She was very happy and she had a few tears in the corner of her eyes :)

That was a great night and I am so full and worn out and happy right now.. DOMI IS BACK :o) yaaaaay

We decided, since they came back from their holidays today, to spend the night each on our own but I'll be at his house first thing tomorrow. We have a lot to catch up to :P

Answers

2009-10-21T21:16:00.005+02:00

Found these questions on Steve's blog and thought I give it a go. His was interesting to read. Don't know what you'll think of mine.

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
my magic wand, because the water isn't that hot yet

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
grey

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Dominik? OH YES!

4. Do you plan outfits every day?.
No, I grab the first thing that is reachable. Sometimes it's like picking up something from the carpet, smell it and if it's still ok, I wear it.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
content. I have a bottle of VITAMALZ here and it's icecold and I just watched an episode of desperate housewives.

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red?
the towel I dried my hair with this morning

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
I think hard, but I really can't remember. Sometimes it's so realistic that I can't tell if I dreamt something or if it really happened to me.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
Yes I did. His name is Kevin and he's the new intern at mom's agency..

9. What are you craving right now?
Dominik's hug - he's at the north sea with his parents at their beach house.

10. Do you floss?
I use mouthwash.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
sex

12. Are you emotional?
yes, overly emotional. I'm trying to control it though and be more careless.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
When I was doing situpsand pushups, I used to count them. Best was 1800 situps in one week.. I'm not doing it anymore.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
Hellooooo I'm gay. I'd never bite into it.

15. Do you like your hair?
no. not if I compare it to Dominik's hair. I used to have long hair when I was 13/14.

16. Do you like yourself?
Yes, I'm very much in love with myself. I mean, come on... who wouldn't tap this? :p ;o)

17. Would you go out to eat with George Bush?
The question is: would he survive?

18. What are you listening to right now?
"Still got the blues for you" by Gary Moore (it's on the radio)

19. Are your parents strict?
No, mom is fairly reasonable when it comes to rules and stuff. It's good to have an older sister, because she already fought all the fights for me. All I gotta do is say "but Christina was allowed to when she was my age" :p

20. Would you go sky diving?
No. I have a fear of heights

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Yes. Sometimes I eat it plain with a spoon.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Well, yes, a few, since mom is in advertising and stuff and her company also organises events.

23. Do you rent movies often?
if "rent" means torrenting, then yes

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
a shiny silver air balloon with the words "happy 16th". It's out of air though

25. How many countries have you visited?
lots, USA, Germany, England, Belgium, Netherlands, Luxembourg, France, Czech Republic and Dubai

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
yeah, last month was the latest

27. Ever been on a train?
Yes. Is this a serious question? who hasn't?

28. Brown or white eggs?
White. I'm racist. No, really, is there a difference? I never cared.

29. Do you have a cell-phone?
who came up with these questions? OF COURSE.

30. Do you use chap stick?
yes, twice a day

31. Do you own a gun?
No, I don't live in the USA. Wait, asking for trains, cell phones and now guns... I think the creator of this survey is American.

32. Can you use chop sticks?
Yes. it's easy.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
My hand.

34. Are you too forgiving?
No, I'm not. Maybe after a long time I forgive, but I never forget. I should work on this.

35. Ever been in love?
this whole blog is about love. yes I have.

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
Probably miss me as much as I miss him.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
what are cream puffs?

38. Last time you cried?
A while back when I was talking to a friend on skype. I was moody the whole day and he was being very understanding and caring, so I opened up and started crying told him I miss my dad.

39. What was the last question you asked?
"what are cream puffs?"

40. Favorite time of the year?
summer vacation and December (Birthday and Christmas gifts. I love getting stuff, ok? ok!)

41. Do you have any tattoos?
No, I hate them.

42. Are you sarcastic?
Are you for real?

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Heard of it, but never seen. It's with Kutcher, right?

44.Ever walked into a wall?
no, but I've walked into a traffic pole. I remember that pain very well.

45. Favorite color?
black & blue

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
yes, last time I even slapped someone with a closed fist. not proud of it.

47. Is your hair curly?
no

48. What was the last CD you bought?
The Complete Discography of "Bright Eyes". I "bought" it off the internet.

49. Do looks matter?
Yes, but really, believe me, I met one or two people who I've been with just based on looks and they had no brains, I swear. After a while it gets boring. It's like, you just go to them for sex and then you catch yourself leaving very fast. Because you are sick of hearing about how the earth is flat.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
Well it depends, Domi and I talked about this. I have no problem with him being with a girl. He knows that but he hasn't felt the need to be with one. I guess I'm the better lover.
Wait, I just thought of something. Wouldn't it actuallybe my own fault if someone would cheat on me, because I would have failed to give them what they needed?

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
I don't know, I'm on my mom's company plan. But I do have unlimited free calls to landlines and within the network of my service provider and I pretty much stick to that and don't call people on other networks.

52. Do you like your life right now?
yes, yes and yes

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
yes, except in my case it's the computer. I hardly watch German TV and usually I make a playlist of a few episodes of my favorite sitcoms and set it to "shut down after finishing"

54. Can you handle the truth?
Sure

55. Do you have good vision?
yes, no, maybe. how would I know? I don't wear glasses...

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
yes, I do

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
Too much. when I'm not on the phone, I talk to people on skype. I'm very communicative

58. The last person you held hands with?
Dominik, the cutest creature on god's green earth

59. What are you wearing?
I'm about to go to bed, so, erm... does my blanket count?

60.What is your favorite animal?
I like dogs, never had one but I like them a lot. And Elephants. I love elephants. Also never had one :P

61. Where was your default picture taken at?
I don't know which one I use right now. But one is on a bench at a basketball court, the other one is on a massaging chair in a mall and one is on top of some building in NYC

62. Can you hula hoop?
hula hooping is the act of thrusting your hip back and for, right? I think I'd be an expert in hula hooping.;o)

63. Do you have a job?
Only one that gets paid with kisses, hugs and love. I do the computer maintenance for mom's agency.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
a bottle of VITAMALZ

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
I didn't, but Dominik did when he came over to my house at 5am a few months ago. He didn't want to wake my mom and called me on the phone but I was asleep and my phone was set to mute. I remember mom woke me up and said "Domi is outside, he's throwing things at your window. Get up and let him in. I go back to bed. Tell him I said hi."

beautiful soul

2009-10-15T03:44:00.001+02:00

I'm a bit embarassed

2009-10-10T07:11:00.001+02:00

and there's the reason. the reason is right there in the title.
How do you spell embarassed? is it with two s or two r? is it ember... or embar...?

I feel bad. I'm also a bit mad at myself.
I don't speak English that well, I don't speak German that well and I for sure don't speak French and Spanish that well, despite the fact that I have classes in school for all languages.

See, it's not that I don't speak very well. My teachers always compliment my pronounciation in German or Spanish or French. But it's the lack of words.
I've left the states when I was 12. I've been living in Germany before, for half a year, when I was 6 or 7.
So it is kind of not my fault. What 12 year old knows words that a 16 yeard old should know?
I sometimes fail to have a decent conversation with my friends from the states or NZ or the UK or Australia... well the people in Australia are hard to understand in general. Like they call their friends "mights" and mean mates. Whatever.

What I mean is, I feel a bit stupid not knowing certain words. I also feel stupid because I know them in German but not in English. Sometimes it's the other way around. I want to say something and I know the English word but can't use it and so I have to walk my way around it and use descriptive language to make myself understood. For me it's degrading because that's what little children do.

I feel inferior when I know that I have no reason at all to feel that way. I'm an intelligent enough guy and although I haven't read a lot of books, I do know a lot of characters of literature, writers and stories. I'm also very interested in politics and know a lot about the world and geography.
But it's... I don't know... it bothers me.

My friend Lucas wrote something to me two days ago. He wrote something like "please, try to speak English". And I know he didn't mean to hurt me and it actually didn't hurt me at all at that moment, but in hindsight I know exactly what he meant. It's bad when you can't make yourself clear.

Sometimes when I'm skyping to my friend Jake, I have to speak slowly to buy time... time to think hard about the right word I wanna use to say what I wanna say. And it's bad when you are trying to have a deep conversation and don't want to only scratch the surface and talk about superficial stuff and call everything "that's hot" like Paris Hilton.

aaaaaaaah, I'm frustrated.

PS: ignore any typos, it's fucking 6:30 on a Saturday morning. I have every right to misspell things at this time of the day.

Things Will Never Be The Same

2009-10-09T00:52:00.001+02:00

Lay it down, pull my heart to the ground
Time's getting cold, now the leaves all turn hard and blue

And I know, when I gaze to the sun
No place to hide I got nowhere to run from you
Away from you

Hold me now, girl, I don't know when,
When we will ever meet again

That was then, baby this is now
I try to get over you

Losing you... things will never be the same
Can you hear me call your name?
If we changed it back again
Things would never be...

In your hand, babe, I don't understand
You've got the eyes of a child but you hurt like a man, always do
Always do

Touch me now, girl I don't know when,
When we will ever meet again
That was then, baby this is now
Time won't get over you

Losing you... things will never be the same
Can you hear me call your name?
If we changed it back again
Things would never be the same

DRUNK

2009-09-26T01:25:00.000+02:00

It's Friday night, no, Saturday morning 1:24am.
I'm drunk

Dominik made me drunk. He's cute. He snuggled up to me at the bonfire.

I'm glad we had blankets.

I'm drunk

I miss you already

2009-09-23T22:51:00.000+02:00

"DO THINK TWICE"

surprise punch

2009-09-17T22:38:00.001+02:00

Your punch was surprising. He wasn't expecting it. It looked something like this:

I love you

"Boom Boom" Nicky

2009-09-17T15:16:00.003+02:00

Ok, let's get this over with.
I did something bad or good but bad only that it was the right thing but it was a bad thing too.
Confused?

Here's the story.

Last Wednesday I came out of class to see that some guy is pushing Dominik. Dominik pushed him back. Then as I ran towards them to help Dominik, that guy stopped pushing and only said one word. He called Dominik a "Hurensohn".
That word combined with me seeing the guy pushing Dominik made me lose control and so I did what I never did before.
I was aiming for his head but he kinda leaned forward and I punched his jaw.
He was stoped by his friends. I swear to god, we both were so much in rage that if they hadn't stoped him, one of us would have landed in hospital.

That night I was in so much pain I could hardly sleep. After going to the doctor he told me that I broke my hand. The base part of my middle finger has a clean fracture and there is a hairsplit on the back of my hand.

Now I have to wear a castlike plastic thing that keeps my hand still.

Obviously I didn't go to school because I was at the doctors. Who btw is an asshole. I asked him for painkillers and he said I deserve the pain because of what I have done.
Anyways, when I logged in to SchülerVZ (a german social network for students) I had 23 messages. All pretty much saying the same thing "wow, you stud. YOU BROKE HIS JAW"
And suddenly I am pretty popular with the girls, because I "came to Dominik's rescue" and I am "the knight in shining armor", so to speak.

I broke my hand while breaking his jaw. How gay is that?

Well, to make things short, on saturday the police came to my house and interviewed me. After signing a few papers and giving them my identification and stuff they told me that I probably have to go to court and my punishment will be some community service.
For my German readers: they have Strafanzeige erstattet.

To top things off. Mom was in Italy with my aunt (who is gonna go back to LA this sunday *sniff*) and Jürgen (her bf). So my sister called her and told her about the police. Then mom called me and said stuff like "I don't know you, who are you?" then she grounded me, ON THE PHONE.

Neither she nor Dominik's mom knew at that time why I did it. I couldn't stand in front of his Mom and tell her in the face that I did it because some idiot called her a WHORE. Seriously, can you do that? Can you use that word in front of someone you respect?

I can't.

So when Mom returned on Monday and she, Jürgen and I sat down to discuss what I have done, I told Jürgen why I did it. And he told mom. So yeah. After they talked for a while they called me in and mom told me I am not grounded anymore and that she is gonna talk to Markus' parents and try to convince them to withdraw their report (I don't know the right word).
But she still wasn't happy about it.

Today she told Dominik's mom. And Dominik called me afterwards and told me that his mom went to him and told him that she thinks he has a good friend in me.

Hmm, I donno if this is a good or bad thing. I tend to say it is a bad thing.
My Coach actually called me and yelled at me for not being able to play for the next 6 weeks. He said I did the right thing but then started to call me an idiot an asshole and very selfish person. Oh and that he's proud of me.

yeah.

And on Tuesday when I went to basketball practice to support the team by just sitting there and watching, he made me run 30 laps around the court. Just for (his) fun.

(C)rap Music

2009-09-17T13:12:00.000+02:00

I know this title is very disrecpectful. But it serves a purpose.
I never liked rap music. Except a few songs of Tupac, Run DMC, Eminem and Kanye West.

I simply don't get that dissin', unrespectful, motherfucking, bitchin, fucking, shit, cunt, wanna lick your pussy rap music.

But yesterday, I saw something that changed my view on rap music a bit.
After Kanye did what he did on the VMAs he went to the Jay Leno Show and aplologized for it.
That is not the impressive thing though. I think that's the least thing he could do.
But what impressed me is, that Jay Z and Rihanna didn't let him fall. They went on the show and perfrmed with him and showed their support for him. Jay Z is kinda known as one of the godfathers of rap music today. And the way he was looking at Kanye during the performance and supporting him, brought me to believe that there is actually something like a codex in that genre.

I think I'm straight

2009-09-06T18:32:00.001+02:00

yes, you heard me.
I can't be gay. It's impossible.
I was in Roermond today. Roermond is a city in the Netherlands close to the German border.
There is a shopping mall there called Designer Outlet Roermond which is kind of a town built inside of the city of Roermond. As you may have guessed it's a special place where only designer labels are sold (Gucci, Hugo Boss, Joop, Dolce&Gabbana, Diesel).
So I assume real gay men would feel like they are in heaven.
But I couldn't leave soon enough. It seems the gay gene for shopping is missing from my gene pool.
I bought two Diesel Jeans, two D&G shirts and a pair of Nikes. And that was it. The rest of the time I was deadly bored and sat down outside the stores and waited for my family to finish.

Thank god there were a lot of really cute dutch boys walking around. And I got to flirt with a 17 year old Vietnamese who was working at that bistro we stoped at to have coffee. He was totally sweet and smiled all the time and when we bought our coffee and sat down (it was self service), he came over and started cleaning the (already clean) tables around us and then kept on talking to me. And then he left again after feeling like he should show his boss that he's actually working, only to come back with a few mini cookies on a plate and said in a megasweet voice "here you go, some sweets for you". When I left he waved at me and gave me that smiling look again.

Oh wait, did I say "thank god there were cute boys"?
Maybe I'm gay after all.

pheeew. what a relief.

A Three and a Half Year Shoe Contract

2009-09-05T03:44:00.003+02:00

Friends, i have once again completed watching one of my ALL TIME favorite films
The Life Aquatic
Directed by Wes Anderson
And staring Bill Murray.

I would like to share a poem with you that i wrote some time ago.
It is titled

(picture of a palm-like tree)Pluck

What
Can be found
but never touched
evil but love light &
dark life and death
air and solid all touch earth is
stopped the root is not buried deep
see cant everyone diction leather lead
let it all out show your life stop the crap
that can be started dont listen revolt
end all that none end conform stop all never
begin the conform stop if you want on the
never ending ride no one escapes it
doesnt end if you plant a seed
you do nothing to prevent
nothing START IT ALL.

Dedicated to Esteban.
And the past.
And the future.

I love all of you, take care.

~Jake~

yum.

2009-09-04T15:40:00.002+02:00

This is probably gonna be the only time I post a picture like that in our blog. I want to keep this blog non-sexual. I know I know, I failed here and there, but it's still my intention.

So... this picture, well.... I... I couldn't resist to post it.

Pure Disappointment

2009-09-01T14:18:00.000+02:00

I need to vent, I need to vent really bad.
why do I need to vent? because of one Mister Nicolas Cage.

Mister Nicolas Cage was one of my most favorite. No wait... he was THE most favorite actor of mine ever.
I mean, look at the movies he's made... Con Air, Face Off with Travolta, THE ROCK, and need I mention his brilliant brilliant brilliant acting in The Matchstick Men?

So when I hear that Mister Nicolas Cage headlines a movie, I automatically assume that movie is the best movie of the DECADE.

Oh how wrong I was.

I watched "The Wicker Man" with a promising very good start. Very mysterious. A cop is called to a secluded private island by her former fiance to help her find her kidnapped daughter.
Great story. Great acting. Honestly, Nicolas. Good work. BUT THE MOVIE WAS TOTAL CRAP.

Then, I watched "The Knowing". Again... a perfect story, very good in the beginning, very good acting on your part, Nicolas. Very mysterious, thrilling story. BUT THEY HAD TO FUCK IT UP with adding aliens to the story. I mean... are you even reading the scripts before you accept a job offer?

You let me down, man. YOU. LET. ME: DOWN.

I hate you Mister Nicolas Cage, I hate you. I hate you because you STILL are my favorite actor of all times. And I hate you because of all the money you're gonna get from me for the future bad movies you make that I'll watch because of you.

Real Time with Bill Maher

2009-08-23T14:31:00.002+02:00

[14:09:35] Nic: Lucas, this man is hilarious beyond means
[14:10:06] Nic: the things he says about the stupidity of people in general
[14:10:18] Lucas: who?
[14:10:58] Nic: like, on the night of the iraq war 70% of the american people believed that saddam hussein had a direct involvement in 9/11
[14:11:14] Nic: today, 6 years later... 34% still do
[14:11:29] Nic: Bill Maher
[14:12:30] Lucas: oh yeah i've heard of him
[14:13:22 | Edited 14:13:27] Nic: in south carolina, ina townhall meeting, a man stood up and told the congressman to keep his government hands OFF his medicare
[14:14:07] Nic: medicare is the government programme for poor people without a private health insurance
[14:15:02] Nic: Bill Maher "which is like driving across country to protest highways"
[14:15:51] Lucas: hehe, that's awesome
[14:16:31] Nic: two thirds of the americans don't know what the food and drug administration does
[14:17:13] Nic: Bill Maher: "Some of this stuff you should be able to pick up by simply being alive"
[14:19:39] Nic: people are bitching about taxes have no idea what the government is spending, the avarage voter believes that foreign aid consumes TWENTYFOUR percent of federal budget. it's actually less than 1%
[14:20:16] Nic: oh here's a good one: A third of the republicans believe that barack obama is NOT A CITIZEN
[14:21:47 | Edited 14:22:05] Nic: a third of the democrats believe that george bush had prior knowledge of the 9/11 attacks. which is an absurd sentence becasue it contains the words BUSH and KNOWLEDGE
[14:22:58] Nic: oh wow, this one just sends me over the edge
[14:25:09] Nic: the religious america: more than half of the americans don't know that Judaism is an older religion than christianity. That's right half of america looks at books called the OLD testaments and te NEW testaments and cannot figure out which one came first
[14:25:17] Nic: Bill Maher: "I rest my case"

friends forever

2009-08-18T23:39:00.003+02:00

found at milkboys.org

Is it you inside my head?

2009-08-13T15:36:00.002+02:00

is it wise enough to say that i'm better off without you
is it cool enough to fake cause all that i've been breathing is about you
is it wise enough to flow from my head until my toes
but somehow i don t really know all that i've been doing is without you

is it you inside my head
is it you inside who says that I become someone else

and on and on my head keeps saying this is not what i believe in
this is where it ends
and on and on my mind is made up that that is why it never stops
alone again, alone again

is it you inside my head
is it you inside who says that I become someone else

i didn't know that you re buzzing right through isnide my head
i didn't know that you re coming right through inside my head
i didn't know that you re buzzing right through no i ...
i didn't know that you re coming right through no I ...
i didn't know, i didn't know, i didn't know ...

i didn't know

is it you inside my head
is it you inside who says
is it you inside my head

So Be It

2009-08-13T05:59:00.000+02:00

I've been given every opportunity in this life to have everything ive ever wanted,

and i still can turn love into ash.

My name is Jake, and i hate myself.

I wish for something, i get it,

i ruin it.

My name is Jake, and i hate myself.

I take until there is nothing left of what im taking,

and then i complain about it.

My name is Jake, and i hate myself.

Tomorrow is a new day.

My name is Tabula Rasa, and i dont know me yet.

VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

2009-08-12T23:42:00.001+02:00

Have you ever asked yourself what the meaning of life is?

two chocolate/chocolate chip cookies and a glas of cold wholemilk

Today I found paradise on earth.

For Jake

2009-08-12T13:07:00.002+02:00

A 'Brilliant' Night

2009-08-04T06:43:00.006+02:00

For the first time in a really long time I went somewhere by myself and had a good time. I went to the library and the theatre to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I was feeling depressed a few nights ago, but was cured by the amazing Jake. Thanks to him, I was inspired to go out, live my life and have fun, even though I was alone; and I did. Before I left my sister had asked me to buy something for her. Normally I would've felt obligated to do it seeing as she is my sister, but this time was all about me.
At the library, I sat with a guy who was doing a project (hoping that he was available) while I read some books on psychology. They were interesting, but I merely scratched the surface of it's past and it's theories. Ever 15 seconds or so the guy would sniffle and put his head in his hands, as if stressed. After a while I asked him if he was ok. He said "yea, man" (not "mon"). I was hoping for a "not really" to comfort him, but I guess he was just sick. The rest of the time passed and we said nothing. He left and I saw him flirting with a girl. "He's straight", I said to myself. I was used to that so I just kept on reading.
Off to the movie. I walked 40 minutes to get to the theatre when I could have taken a taxi. I figured that I would save the money and get some exercise; even jogged for about a minute. I arrive and get my ticket, then head over to the pharmacy nearby. I didn't fear talking to strangers anymore. I was up-front and confident, no stumbling on my words as I had before. The strange feeling of betrayal and mistrust was no longer dominant in me. At the pharmacy I buy an ice-cream cone (first one in months) and walk around the pharmacy waiting for the movie to start.
To the movie. I buy popcorn and a drink and head off. I was surprised to see that there were only 4 other people there, because it is usually packed. I took advantage of the opportunity and sat anywhere I wanted. Only 16 people were present during the movie and it was so much fun. I kept changing seats and wandering about. I loved it! I even said "fuck" out loud without worrying about who hears. The movie ends and I go outside to see the moon shining at me (about 80% full). It was a 'brilliant' night (to honour the movie's British words) and I'm glad I went out and enjoyed it.