I understand...

...do you understand it too? I'm thinking of you again. Please, watch over me and guide me. I need you... Hope there's someone Who'll take care of me When I die, will I go Hope there's someone Who'll set my heart free Nice to hold when I'm tired There's a ghost on the horizon When I go to bed How can I fall asleep at night How will I rest my head Oh I'm scared of the middle place Between light and nowhere I don't want to be the one Left in there, left in there There's a man on the horizon Wish that I'd go to bed If I fall to his feet tonight Will allow rest my head So here's hoping I will not drown Or paralyze in light And godsend I don't want to go To the seal's watershed Hope there's someone Who'll take care of me When I die, Will I go Hope there's someone Who'll set my heart free Nice to hold when I'm tired

Hei Nicky

why don't you call back?

Happy Birthday Nicky

What's the time? Seems its already morning
I see the sky, its so beautiful and blue
The TV's on but the only thing showing is a picture of you

I get up and make myself some coffee
I try to read a bit but the story's too thin
I thank the Lord above that you're not there to see me
In this shape I'm in

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you think of me too
I'm spending my time

I try to call but I don't know what to tell you
I leave a kiss on your answering machine
Oh, help me please
Is there someone who can make me
Wake up from this dream?

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you are missing me too

I'm spending my time
Watching the sun go down
I fall asleep to the sound
Of "tears of a clown"
A prayer gone blind

I'm spending my time

My friends keep telling me:
Hey, life will go on
Time will make sure I'll get over you
This silly game of love you play you win only to lose

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you are missing me too


Happy Birthday Nicky

I love a boy named...

I love a boy named Jesse
But Jesse doesn't love me back
He says he has a girl in Chelsea he wants so much

I love a boy named Jesse
But Jesse doesn't love me back
He says he's insecure about what he feels and what he wants

What he feels and what he wants...

But every time he smiles at me
I know we are the same
And that he'll change his world for me
If he just knew my name

There's no need for you to say you saw the life they chose for me
For me...

I love a boy named Jesse
But Jesse doesn't love me back
He wants to kiss and go to bed but he doesn't want to talk
I love a boy named Jesse
But Jesse doesn't love me back

He says he's straight and all that stuff is only in my mind
Only in my mind...

All I can hide
I'm doing fine

But every time he smiles at me i know we are the same
And that'll he'll he change his world for me
If he just knew my name

There's no need for you to say you saw the life they chose for me
For me...

I love a boy named Danny
But Danny doesn't love me back
He says he has a girl in Chelsea he wants so much

I love a boy named Danny
But Danny doesn't love me back
He says he's insecure about what he feels and what he wants

What he feels and what he wants... 

maybe I'm a monster

in moments like this, when I can't stop thinking about what could have been... when I ponder about the many many what ifs... I can't help but search for the problem in me.

Last time I wrote in here it was February... February the 14th... Valentine's Day. And although Domi and I had  broken up we still agreed on spending Valentine's day together... as best friends... maybe as former lovers. The word former is wrong because I never stopped loving him. He never stopped loving me. Up to a couple of weeks ago...

I fucked it up. I fucked it up big time. We were trying to work it out, to stay friends... he was my best friend.
So naturally I didn't make a cut that other ex couples do when they part. My feelings towards him never changed. We only broke up because it was the right thing to do.

Some called it altruistic. Some called it stupid. But I didn't care what they thought. It's my life and I have to do what I think is the right thing for me. And I have to face the consequences.

And face the consequences I have.

Domi and I stayed friends, talked, spent time with each other, even played in the same basketball team again. We were just LIKE a couple but without the kissing and holding hands. Same jokes, same hugs, same laughs. So prom was coming closer and closer... and I was hoping he would ask a girl to go with him. I know for a fact  that girls have asked him because at least two came to me and asked me if it would be ok with me if they ask him out.

I was very happy and I encouraged them to do so. But he said no... and I... I was trying to get over him. So I fell back on Oliver... Oliver... the person I probably hurt most in my life.
Oliver tried many times to start a relationship with me... he did before Adam, he did before Domi... he did while I was with Domi and he did after Domi... I have been completely honest with him all the time. I told him I wasn't ready. That I was still in love with Dominik and that he was too important as a friend to use him as my rebound guy.

Oli and I spent some very nice times together where I genuinely tried to forget about Domi and give a new relationship a chance. I introduced him on twitter... I got him involved... And my friends accepted him and welcomed him. I even won a bet... he didn't believe I had gay friends on twitter because I have no gay friends in (for the lack of a better word) "real life". So I tweeted that if I get 15 @mentions with "Nic is a hippo" I would win a bet with Oli and win a kiss :)... what can I say... thank you twitter friends :)

So yeah... Oliver... he introduced me to some of his gay friends and I had a few new experiences. And it was awesome... the time with him was awesome. So of course he was hoping for us to be boyfriends. And of course he was expecting me to take him to prom.

But that did not happen, because I did not want to hurt Domi. I swore to myself to move on AFTER he has moved on.

So the night before prom had arrived and neither Domi nor I had a date for the following night. I was ok with it that I "just (would) go with friends". Then, around 9pm he texted me and asked in German: "Lieber Niclas, würdest du mir die Ehre erweisen und mich zum Abschlussball begleiten?" (Dear Niclas, would you do me the honor and go to prom with me?)

At that time I was talking to a friend. I told him that. And he was the voice of reason. He said if I really want to work on our friendship and really want to put an end to the relationship I should say no and not give him false hope by going with him.

He was absolutely right. So I did. I called him and I said no. And that probably was too much for Domi to take. Because he did not end the relationship... he never moved on though he had many many opportunities... and he never believed it was over. But I guess that made it final. Because prom is important. Prom is something you will remember for the rest of your life. And I would not say no to him on that event if I didn't really mean it.

I FUCKED IT UP...

He started crying and yelling at me... he hung up.
I knew it was wrong to tell him that over the phone. But the damage was done. So I walked to his house. He pushed me away, he threw me out and shut the door on me. He yelled at me to not talk to him at prom or he would yell at me in front of everybody. He said he never wanted to see me again.
Nothing helped... I spent a while on the steps of his house... I tried to yell up to his room. I begged to talk to him. when I called him he hung up... then he turned off his cell.

After a while I went home and talked a bit to my friend... still thinking I did the right thing but in the worst way ever.

In the following weeks he refused to talk to me. When I directly approached him he said I should FUCK OFF. He meant it. He didn't want to see me.

About two weeks ago we were invited to a mutual friend's birthday party. Thomas tried his best to be friends with both of us and treat us equally. After the party we decided to go clubbing with all the guests. And I volunteered to be one of the drivers for the night. I wasn't feeling like partying because Domi was very cold to me the whole time. When I sat next to him he got up and moved away.

But what tortured me most that night was when I came back to where we were sitting from getting drinks with a friend. I saw Domi kissing a girl... I was hoping it would happen but seeing it with my own eyes. The person I love being with a girl. Kissing her. holding her. And he noticed... looked up to me... smiled and went back to making out.

As if he wanted to say: "IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?"

For about two weeks I am depressed and sad. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I feel worse. But in general I feel pain. As a friend pointed out to me, Domi would have been the one I would turn to to discuss all my problems. But he is gone... my best friend is gone. I have nobody (of Domi's kind of importance) to talk to. My mom and sister have picked up on this. My sister is too nice to me. She takes me out. She took me out to one of her friend's birthday party... where I ... I lost it... nobody knew me there... so I took advantage... I drank two glasses of whiskey cola... and danced shirtless on the floor. THAT IS NOT ME.
THAT is pure desperation...

This blog entry is pure desperation... I am trying to write this off my chest. I don't feel like it is remotely off my mind. I constantly think of him... think of all the good times we had together.

I've lost a boyfriend... I have lost my best friend... I have lost my hope.

---------

Now I want to come back to my first sentence.  I can't help but search for the problem in me. What if I haven't been altruistic at all.. what if I subconsciously wanted out of the relationship to try new things... to explore the gay world... to fuck around.
After all this, I feel like a piece of shit... for throwing away something as wonderful as what he and I had.

I'm scum. And I shouldn't even cry... because it IS MY OWN FAULT.

I did this, but I never wanted this. When will I be able to move on?

Tingles with Barbie

Lately I've been watching a lot of Smallville and Barbie movies. I know that some people would say that Barbie is for young girls who can't grow up, but that would be because of what others have told them. When a situation or some words said get sentimental for me my body tingles. I know know why, but it's a good tingle. That tingle brings with it a feeling of truth. I feel that that piece of information is important to my being and will have some positive impact on me, so I make time to pay attention.

Those two shows have really been inspiring me to be myself and telling me that I am special. From about 8 Barbie movies so far, I've learnt that we are who we are for a reason. That reson is not going to change. We may not be able to make absolute sense of it now, but I'm sure some day we will.

I know that I'm not awkward in situations just because the world gets a twisted laugh at seeing me get nervous and fail. I'm awkward because I was born that way and I can accept that. The sooner I accept my faults the sooner I realize that they're my greatest assets. They set me apart from every other creature on this planet. There is no other awkward, black, young, gay, 17 year old Jamaican boy like me. There is not other like you.

Smallville = superpowers. I love the idea of having superpowers and doing things beyond human boundaries. I like the discharge of energy from my hand and the moving of objects by thought. So much so that I actually do those things in hope to get some effect (Some kid right). I'm proud to be a kid who still believes in the unexplained and the out-of-the-ordinary. I am proud to be who I am and to do what I do. By watching Smallvile I have realised that not only people with powers can be called heroes and change the world. Any human can, the bad thing is that it can be changed for the worse. We all have the choice to make the changes we make good or bad.

I believe that there are defining moments in someone's life where everything changes from one point on and causes a world of changes. That one second where someone decides that "this is the path I want to take". From then on there is no turning back or do over. The other options have been eliminated completely by that one choice. That one choice could mean a better future for those who were lost. I choose to look on the brighter side of these moments.

Although I'm not sure what I want to do with my life for now, I know I won't jepordize the future by smoking, robbing anywhere of committing any other crimes. I know somthing good is out there waiting for me to do. There are people I will help in the future and I look forward to meeting them and helping them however I can.

Remember the Monkey?

A long and interesting drama free time passed when the monkey returned. This time actually trying to solve a problem it had. He asked me why I was being so mean to him lately. I forget my answer (and that's good that I'm forgetting things to do with him). Then he said "So it's all about you huh?". That got me really angry seeing how unconcerned he was of how I felt and what I ever did for him. I wanted to just say "Fuck off" and just turn off my phone, but I let him feel guilty of his indiffernce. Then he started talking to me like we were friends again. Not that I don't forgive him for his soulessness, but I refuse to occupy myself with him in any form. Luckily he sense the cold shoulder and stopped.

A few weeks later he reminded me that I had made a promise to help him with exams earlier, and I went. My intention was to be so preoccupied helping other that I couldn't help him much, but that failed. While he was reading, he told me he was horny and kept looking at me (realiously?). I just pretended that I didn't hear, because I was really not stupid enough to fall for that.

When another friend of mine David, came, I was so relieved. My attention was all on him (not just because I liked him). David had an exam the next day and I was free to help. The monkey left, then David left. Happy days were in sight once more.

The following Tuesday (last week Tuesday) I was at school talking to Jason (Jason's my 'neutral' friend who irritates me sometimes). Then we walked over to where he and some other friends were. Without looking at him I said "Mornin'", my usual phrase for morning greetings. He said hi. To help with schoolwork!

A few minutes afterwards Jason asks me where my phone was. Since I rarely receive any calls or texts I had it in my bag. He told me to check it. He sent me a message. The message that the monkey still liked me, but it came from Jason, apparently they were texting and he was afraid to text me directly.

I let out a raucous laugh like a pirate, I thought it was a joke. The monkey then asked me why with a smile on his face. I answered, but it wasn't what he wanted to hear. Then Jason sends "Seriously he does. You?" I said no.

All of this was happening amongst our straight homophobic guy friends (I attend an all boy's school). Then Jason calls me aside and says that the monkey wants to hear me say the words to him from my mouth. At that point I was surprised. I was thinking, "Why can't he just give up? He would've given up if it were any girl. Why do I have to bother with this?" I haven't heard from him since that day not have I seen him. I hope it stays that way and that he leaves me in peace.

no one else to blame

You got me caught in all this mess
I guess we can blame it on the rain
My pain is knowing i can't have you, i can't have you

Tell me does she look at you the way i do?
Try to understand the words you say and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush, when you go in for a hug
and your cheeks brush?

Tell me, am i crazy, am i crazy?

I catch my breath, the one you took
the moment you entered the room
My heart, it breaks, at the thought of her
holding you

Does she look at you the way i do?
Try to understand the words you say and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush, when you go in for a hug
and your cheeks brush?

Tell me am i crazy, or is this more than a crush?

Maybe i'm alone in this
but i find this peace is solitude knowing if i had but just one kiss
This whole room would be glowing,
we'd be glowin, we'd be glowin

[ Does she look at you the way i do?
Try to understand the words you say and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush, when you go in for a hug
and your cheeks brush?

Tell me am i crazy, or is this more than a crush? (x2) ]

Ice Sculpture

Who remembers when they were younger and really believed in love. I know this may
somewhat start fires, but I want to address it. I remember very clearly when I was
younger and would watch romantic movies. I would get butterflies when the two shy
lovers met and kissed. After trials and failure they would find each other and they
would "live happily ever after." I actually thought that that would happen in life. I
put all my hopes into someone I thought could have made my life a romance movie.
Instead I felt like a banana tree that was raided of its produce every day. I got
little appreciation from the monkey and I felt powerless to stop him because I wanted
to help. Now this monkey was never loved by his mother, so I thought if I gave the
monkey enough bananas and whatever else he wanted he would be happy and actually stay with the tree. Now I am a bare tree that fed a monkey that was never happy.

I'm gonna leave the monkey metaphor for now.
I loved a boy, he loved me. He fell out of love with me, I still loved him. He used
me for his own purposes to get what he wanted and left me destitute. I believed in
love and its ability to conquer all things. He was a smoker, I stopped him; a
drinker, he scared himself; pessimistic, I made him believe in himself more. The
thanks I get for that is a reluctant kiss after months of knowing him. He has given
girls kisses and sex. He has even had sex with a girl he knew for less than a week!
That really pissed me off! It made me feel like I was working hard to get what any
girl could get free!My love was not enough to make him love me the same way. With
him, I know love does not exist. It's so surprising how I found myself fighting to
"win". It was more a battle for power than a relationship. I became cold, as if my
heart were frozen and all that was in my mind was winning. I lost myself because of
him.

I surrender!

He is not worth my time or my love. I don't want to lose myself because someone else
could not love me. I completely refuse to!

To everyone out there fighting to keep love and to win, just let it go for losing
yourself is not worth winning some personal love battle. I lay my story to rest and
soon my head. This day, and you are, are thanked for. Thank you for "listening" to
me. It means a lot to speak what's on my mind!

Valentine's Day Confusion

In case you don't know yet, I've broken up with Dominik. I wish I could say it was mutual, but it wasn't. I love him a lot but some things won't ever change and they are the main reason why I thought it is a good thing to end the romantic relationship with him.

As it turns out it is quite hard to go back being best friends. It's awkward talking in here about it because I know he is reading. Actually both are reading this.

Both? yes... there is another guy. And no, he is not the reason why Domi and I are over... I mean... are we over? I think we will never be over... it doesn't seem like it.

After the break up Domi and I had a lot of conversations. One night his mom called my mom and asked her if she knew what was going on because Domi didn't go to school that day and had cried all day long and didn't come out of his room. At that time neither of our parents knew about the breakup. So my mom told her no and that she is gonna ask me if I knew anything.
Of course I called him right after she told me. He was very sad and at that point I could see that he had stopped putting up a strong front and he was begging for us to get back together.
I started crying too because it tore up my heart to hear him cry and be so vulnerable.
I cursed myself for inflicting such a pain on a person I love with my whole being.

But eventually we calmed down and we started talking and I told him that the situation won't ever change. That getting back together is not solving anything but only postponing things. He started to understand. And at least for that night we parted knowing we're both ok with this.

that has been a month ago

since then I have seeked the comfort of a lot of friends. online and offline.
one of these offline friends is Oliver.
Oliver and I have history. He and I used to hang out a lot 3 years ago and he always wanted to be boyfriends and at that time I thought the idea of being in love ridiculous and something girls do.
I know, stupid... I was 15, ok? Joseph... need I say more?

Then I met Adam, then Domi and I became boyfriends and Oliver was angry at me but eventually we fixed it and stayed friends since then.
So yeah, that's the background story on Oliver.

wow, I wanted to tell you about my Valentine's Day and drifted off. But I guess you need to know all this to understand the whole thing. Or maybe I just needed to get it off my chest.

After our breakup Domi made me promise to spend Valentine's Day together. So that was settled. As you know Vday was on Monday. The Saturday before my friend Oliver spent the night and we had a lot of fun and I showed him twitter and my tumblr and my blog.
After he read a few of my posts especially the one where Adam took me out for dinner he said he wants to do that with me too. And he said it should be on Vday.
I told him that I had promised Domi to spend Vday with him, so after thinking about it for a while he said that we could have a Vday lunch.

So um yeah... that's how I ended up having two Valentine's Day dates.
But, before you roll your eyes and say "lucky bastard, some of us don't even have one" (actually a few of you on twitter told me that :p), yeah before you say that, both dates were not the typical romantic dates. At least that's what I told myself the whole time.

.... moving forward to Monday (Vday)

So Oliver picked me up right after school and we went to this steak house called MAREDO (somewhere I couldn't go with Domi cos he is vegetarian).
Since he was buying I decided to go for the lunchtime menue which was a nice steak with a cream sauce and fresh pepper. I mean fresh pepper as in the pepper fruit... not grounded... do you understand? It was delicious and not hot at all.

ugh... seriously, I can't do this. this feels dumb. I can't really tell much about it... as I said, no romance involved, not on my part. I am not over Domi and I have told him and he knew.
We had a nice time, we ate, we had a coke, we had dessert and we got up and left.
After that we decided to walk home instead of taking the subway. So we had a long walk and we talked and talked. At first about nothing important but it ended in him hugging me and saying: "I know it's hard. You still love him. You need time"
I leave the rest to your imagination.

Back home, I shortly went on twitter and nobody was there, literally nobody there to talk to. Can you imagine that? ugh.
Anyway, I got changed and I was really nervous about my date with Domi.

it was beautiful: nice Italian restaurant, very romantic, candle light. dimmed lights, nice ambient music, great food. like, GREAT food. and Domi.

and Domi

and Domi

and Domi

I love you so much Domi







the look in his face. his smile... I reached over and wiped his hair off his face. he held my hand. I pulled away
I just did it because I was scared. It is over, right? It is... we both agreed on this.

after dinner we went to his house and he asked me in. We went to his basement and we watched a Disney movie together. we made popcorn and watched the movie. When they kissed on the screen he reached over and held my hand. I was torn... how could I keep on being the monster that I had been the weeks before and deny him the one thing that he wants from me. my love.
he leaned over and we kissed... I
I couldn't hold back the tears. this is so hard on both of us.

I got up, thanked him... gave him a tight hug and walked home.

this is why I hesitated to write this post. it's because things are not clear and I don't know what is going on. we're both trying... but what are we trying? are we trying to work on this breakup and stay best friends or are we trying to overcome this and stay boyfriends.

all I know is I will love him for eternity.

No matter what I do... I will be a monster to either him or Oliver in the end. Or maybe... maybe for once I don't have to act and I can just react to their decisions...

personal

music is what keeps me going lately.
if you care, listen. the lyrics speak from my heart.



melancholy, sadness and the realization that it's impossible to go back to be best friends. today we hugged tightly for a long time. When we stopped I looked at his teary eyes. he kissed my cheek. I love him. It hurts so much.

He's Out Of My Hands

He's out of my life
He's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
He's out of my life
It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
To think for two years he was here
And I took him for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
He's out of my hands

So I've learned that love's not possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late

And he's out of my life
He's out of my life
Damned indecisions and cursed pride
I kept my love for him locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
He's out of my life

When I was your age...

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a Straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But...

Now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet - we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves! There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and f@#* it all up!

You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11!
Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony PlayStation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you and you couldn't see you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing you had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning... d'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!

We didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove...imagine that! If we wanted popcorn we had to use that stupid jiffy pop and shake it over the stove like an idiot forever.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled; you guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!