Mar 16, 2011

Ice Sculpture

Who remembers when they were younger and really believed in love. I know this may
somewhat start fires, but I want to address it. I remember very clearly when I was
younger and would watch romantic movies. I would get butterflies when the two shy
lovers met and kissed. After trials and failure they would find each other and they
would "live happily ever after." I actually thought that that would happen in life. I
put all my hopes into someone I thought could have made my life a romance movie.
Instead I felt like a banana tree that was raided of its produce every day. I got
little appreciation from the monkey and I felt powerless to stop him because I wanted
to help. Now this monkey was never loved by his mother, so I thought if I gave the
monkey enough bananas and whatever else he wanted he would be happy and actually stay with the tree. Now I am a bare tree that fed a monkey that was never happy.

I'm gonna leave the monkey metaphor for now.
I loved a boy, he loved me. He fell out of love with me, I still loved him. He used
me for his own purposes to get what he wanted and left me destitute. I believed in
love and its ability to conquer all things. He was a smoker, I stopped him; a
drinker, he scared himself; pessimistic, I made him believe in himself more. The
thanks I get for that is a reluctant kiss after months of knowing him. He has given
girls kisses and sex. He has even had sex with a girl he knew for less than a week!
That really pissed me off! It made me feel like I was working hard to get what any
girl could get free!My love was not enough to make him love me the same way. With
him, I know love does not exist. It's so surprising how I found myself fighting to
"win". It was more a battle for power than a relationship. I became cold, as if my
heart were frozen and all that was in my mind was winning. I lost myself because of
him.

I surrender!

He is not worth my time or my love. I don't want to lose myself because someone else
could not love me. I completely refuse to!

To everyone out there fighting to keep love and to win, just let it go for losing
yourself is not worth winning some personal love battle. I lay my story to rest and
soon my head. This day, and you are, are thanked for. Thank you for "listening" to
me. It means a lot to speak what's on my mind!