Valentine's Day Confusion

In case you don't know yet, I've broken up with Dominik. I wish I could say it was mutual, but it wasn't. I love him a lot but some things won't ever change and they are the main reason why I thought it is a good thing to end the romantic relationship with him.

As it turns out it is quite hard to go back being best friends. It's awkward talking in here about it because I know he is reading. Actually both are reading this.

Both? yes... there is another guy. And no, he is not the reason why Domi and I are over... I mean... are we over? I think we will never be over... it doesn't seem like it.

After the break up Domi and I had a lot of conversations. One night his mom called my mom and asked her if she knew what was going on because Domi didn't go to school that day and had cried all day long and didn't come out of his room. At that time neither of our parents knew about the breakup. So my mom told her no and that she is gonna ask me if I knew anything.
Of course I called him right after she told me. He was very sad and at that point I could see that he had stopped putting up a strong front and he was begging for us to get back together.
I started crying too because it tore up my heart to hear him cry and be so vulnerable.
I cursed myself for inflicting such a pain on a person I love with my whole being.

But eventually we calmed down and we started talking and I told him that the situation won't ever change. That getting back together is not solving anything but only postponing things. He started to understand. And at least for that night we parted knowing we're both ok with this.

that has been a month ago

since then I have seeked the comfort of a lot of friends. online and offline.
one of these offline friends is Oliver.
Oliver and I have history. He and I used to hang out a lot 3 years ago and he always wanted to be boyfriends and at that time I thought the idea of being in love ridiculous and something girls do.
I know, stupid... I was 15, ok? Joseph... need I say more?

Then I met Adam, then Domi and I became boyfriends and Oliver was angry at me but eventually we fixed it and stayed friends since then.
So yeah, that's the background story on Oliver.

wow, I wanted to tell you about my Valentine's Day and drifted off. But I guess you need to know all this to understand the whole thing. Or maybe I just needed to get it off my chest.

After our breakup Domi made me promise to spend Valentine's Day together. So that was settled. As you know Vday was on Monday. The Saturday before my friend Oliver spent the night and we had a lot of fun and I showed him twitter and my tumblr and my blog.
After he read a few of my posts especially the one where Adam took me out for dinner he said he wants to do that with me too. And he said it should be on Vday.
I told him that I had promised Domi to spend Vday with him, so after thinking about it for a while he said that we could have a Vday lunch.

So um yeah... that's how I ended up having two Valentine's Day dates.
But, before you roll your eyes and say "lucky bastard, some of us don't even have one" (actually a few of you on twitter told me that :p), yeah before you say that, both dates were not the typical romantic dates. At least that's what I told myself the whole time.

.... moving forward to Monday (Vday)

So Oliver picked me up right after school and we went to this steak house called MAREDO (somewhere I couldn't go with Domi cos he is vegetarian).
Since he was buying I decided to go for the lunchtime menue which was a nice steak with a cream sauce and fresh pepper. I mean fresh pepper as in the pepper fruit... not grounded... do you understand? It was delicious and not hot at all.

ugh... seriously, I can't do this. this feels dumb. I can't really tell much about it... as I said, no romance involved, not on my part. I am not over Domi and I have told him and he knew.
We had a nice time, we ate, we had a coke, we had dessert and we got up and left.
After that we decided to walk home instead of taking the subway. So we had a long walk and we talked and talked. At first about nothing important but it ended in him hugging me and saying: "I know it's hard. You still love him. You need time"
I leave the rest to your imagination.

Back home, I shortly went on twitter and nobody was there, literally nobody there to talk to. Can you imagine that? ugh.
Anyway, I got changed and I was really nervous about my date with Domi.

it was beautiful: nice Italian restaurant, very romantic, candle light. dimmed lights, nice ambient music, great food. like, GREAT food. and Domi.

and Domi

and Domi

and Domi

I love you so much Domi







the look in his face. his smile... I reached over and wiped his hair off his face. he held my hand. I pulled away
I just did it because I was scared. It is over, right? It is... we both agreed on this.

after dinner we went to his house and he asked me in. We went to his basement and we watched a Disney movie together. we made popcorn and watched the movie. When they kissed on the screen he reached over and held my hand. I was torn... how could I keep on being the monster that I had been the weeks before and deny him the one thing that he wants from me. my love.
he leaned over and we kissed... I
I couldn't hold back the tears. this is so hard on both of us.

I got up, thanked him... gave him a tight hug and walked home.

this is why I hesitated to write this post. it's because things are not clear and I don't know what is going on. we're both trying... but what are we trying? are we trying to work on this breakup and stay best friends or are we trying to overcome this and stay boyfriends.

all I know is I will love him for eternity.

No matter what I do... I will be a monster to either him or Oliver in the end. Or maybe... maybe for once I don't have to act and I can just react to their decisions...

personal

music is what keeps me going lately.
if you care, listen. the lyrics speak from my heart.



melancholy, sadness and the realization that it's impossible to go back to be best friends. today we hugged tightly for a long time. When we stopped I looked at his teary eyes. he kissed my cheek. I love him. It hurts so much.