I'm feeling yankee doodle dandy

Wednesday, 11:37am. I just got out of bed and had something to eat.

For over a week I'm being in a state I don't like and I don't know when it will pass.

It started with mom forbidding me to work at that bistro/cafe/burger place. I made good money there and I got a lot of tips. I was getting closer to my dream of buying my own brand new car as soon as I get my driver's licence. But now I am about 3,000 Euros away from it and frankly, I don't even want to buy it anymore.

But that is not the reason why I am depressed. It's the sum of a lot of negative things around me right now. 

Mostly it is about my relationships.  With Domi, with my mom, with my friends, online and offline.

I have high expectations which are not being... not being... what's the word? Not being fulfilled?!

Whoever you ask, they will tell you I'm a happy guy. Always being positive and nice.

That has changed for a week now and I'm hating it. 

It creeped it's way through my whole body. I have pain in places I didn't even know existed. I want to puke, I want to puke it out and get rid of it. 

I can't sleep. Either I go to bed really late or I wake up earlier than I should and lay awake for hours listening to music or just staring at the ceiling.

Last night I tried something new. I know alcohol gets me sleepy. So I had one of those mango flavored alcopops. They are just a tiny bit stronger than beer, so... no, I didn't get drunk.

I fell asleep at 2:30am and woke up at 6 to get ready for school.

After taking a shower I sat there on the corner of my bed to air dry and suddenly I felt a strong sadness. I can only describe it as something creeping through your body, getting inside of every bone. I don't know how else to describe that feeling.

I crawled back in under the sheets and texted Domi that I'm skipping school today.

At around 7 Domi came over and said hi to mom. She was just about to leave. I told her I was not going to school today and told her why. She was ok with it.

Domi came in and at first sat next to me. He started asking me all kinds of questions to analyze why I am the way I am. I hate it when he tries to analyze me. I told him I don't know and I yelled at him to leave me the fuck alone.

But he did the opposite. He crawled in next to me and said "ok, yell at me as much as you want, I won't go away" and began stroking my head.

At that moment I lost it... and I'm man enough to talk about it... I turned to him, put my head on his chest and started sobbing. I cried and cried and cried... 

I don't know who I am right now. I'm a  mess. I can't explain it to myself. How can I explain it to you?

Eventually I fell asleep again. He must have left for school shortly after. When I woke up I found a note: "I'll be back after school, don't go anywhere..." yeah... as if I would go anywhere...

12:06pm

------------------

I just texted him and he said he's gonna be over in about an hour.

They say crying helps... but I don't feel any different. 

Really, it can't be about something stupid as a car. Why is this happening to me?

I never had a conversation with a shrink, and I don't know how it works in Germany... I think I need help. 

Somebody needs to explain to me why I am what I am.

-being online- on the line

I don't know where to start.
Hi everybody who still reads my blog.

I've been questioning my life on the internet for the last few days.
Not only do I spend 1/4 of my day on the internet and hence don't do a lot of stuff that needs to be done, I also share too much of my private life. Actually I think you guys (at least those on twitter) know every aspect of my life by now. I've also had a few arguments with Domi about sharing details on our sex life too... being the total opposite of me when it comes to the internet, he has told me several times to leave him out of all that.
I explained to him that I need the internet as an outlet and that I can't talk with him about that stuff when it's about him... I mean... not the bad things... the good things... like, I don't know.... how cute he is, how great he is, bla bla... sex included.
I used to be part of a basketball team up until a couple of months ago. Now that I am not, I hang around the net too much. Domi is out of the team too, but he has piano lessons and music and all the other things that I am not allowed to mention.
And it sure doesn't help that I have some really really nice friends from Jamaica over Mexico to US to Europe, Malaysia, Vietnam, the Philippines and Australia and New Zealand.
How can I not be "addicted" to their stories, their culture, their kind souls and... well their friendship, their wisdom and their advice?

Last year around fall I was amused at a tweet of a friend who said: "congratulations to xyz on her 13,264th tweet" indicating she just talked too much nonsense on twitter. Now I have over 16,000 tweets myself.

I need to back off and regroup... what am I doing there? I used to blog way more... now I don't cause I end up telling it to someone on twitter or talk to them about it on skype.

So I miss out on writing some awesome stuff down. This blog is a journal after all and I like going back and reading stuff. Hell, I like going back and let friends read stuff to me while on skype and when I am too clingy to hang up so I ask them to read my own blog to me untl I fall asleep. And for some reason they DO IT...

What I wanna say is, I should cut back.

Like this week for instance... I have stopped tweeting for two or three days and already I have achieved a lot.
Besides the job at the agency that mom got me, I have taken a second job for this week where I help reorganizing some storage... hard labor, but also very good money.
Money I can use for my driver's licence and guess what... I even started my first lesson (theory lesson) yesterday.

School will start again next week, so I can forget about my first job.
I don't know why I am doing this blogpost... oh yeah... now I remember... I want to get it off my chest.
hmmm, I feel like I still have left out a lot of things that happened.
I miss some people already... I think about them several times a day. <4

I'm gonna go to bed now... goodnight.

first time

The important thing is... I'm here with you...
and I'm prepared to give myself to you...
body... mind... and soul

This is gonna be the most magical night of our lives...

(Jackie to Michael in "that 70's show")

---

God, I'm so glad I'm not a chick...
and gay :o)

passive aggressive

you all know how much I like my sister, right?

Last Thursday it was her birthday and on Saturday she had a big birthday party.
Because she didn't want to have me there and frankly I didn't want to be there as well, I got mom's permission for one day to escape my prison (still grounded btw).
I'm gonna tell about that awesome day at IKEA with Domi and the board game that we played with our friends called "therapy" and the wine tasting we went to with his parents on another occasion.

What I want to tell you today is about the present I got for my sister.
OH YES, I GOT HER A PRESENT.

I gave her a small package nicely put in gift-wrap and with a nice card saying:

"I hope this will bring you closer to your goal :o)"





When she opened it she found a pack of cigarettes.

I love your humor

Actually I love everything about you...

Guys, Domi came to the office today to pay me a visit. He came in, gave me a hug and said in a serious voice "I drove FOUR WHOLE KILOMETERS with the underground to get to you... just so you know..."
then he smiled with his big smile and we started laughing for 3 minutes straight... we couldn't stop.

If you want to kill yourself... be my guest

I'm seriously disgusted.

Apparently my sister has started smoking cigarettes half a year ago. And she's already at the point of two packages a week.
Mom knew about this too.
For some reason she actually cared to hide it from me for half a year.
But now that I know (and I know for about two weeks now) she has totally changed her behavior.
She is smoking outside in the garden. She even smokes when I am sitting outside.
And she stinks. She really stinks.
I can't believe she is doing such a disgusting thing.

Our dad died of his 4th heart attack... the first two he had at the ages of 35 and 40ish.
He used to smoke two packages a day.

I can't even put into words how disrespectful, disgusting and simply STUPID it is of her.

God... just when I thought I can't hate her more.

"craziest thing ever"... maybe

Nah... there are way crazier things in the world.
For a lot of people that little thing I did yesterday was crazy.
For me it was a necessity.

Domi has been in Bavaria with his family for what was supposed to be a 1,5 week vacation... but his dad decided to add another week to it. I missed him a lot and I was really upset. Especially in the evenings when I came home from my summer job and had time to ponder over stupid stuff...

It reached the point that on Saturday, one day before they were scheduled to come home I posted this on twitter:

I'm a total fucking loser. My friends want to hang out but I rather stay at home, hang around the internet being bored and mope about Domi
Sat Jul 31 2010 12:14:48 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

fucked up. I didn't use to be like that... I'm the current goddamn western state champion in basketball... look at me... fucking loser
Sat Jul 31 2010 12:16:23 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

So I spent my Saturday being at home, doing nothing. In the evening Domi called and said this to me:

Domi just called and we talked for almost an hour. He misses me. He said he wants to hug me for half an hour when he's back.
Sat Jul 31 2010 21:54:30 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

I couldn't sleep and thought a lot about almost everything. I went to bed at 2:30am and maybe subconsciously made a decision:

It was a beautiful Sunday morning when I decided to pack my rucksack with 5 bananas, 3 bottles of water and a few energy bars. I had a weird idea but wasn't sure if I should follow through. So I took my bike and let my legs do the thinking.

But let the tweets speak for themselves, shall we?

Call me an erratic fool. But I'm in a mcD about 35 km outside cologne. I came here by bike and I'm gonna go as far as I can towards bavaria
Sun Aug 01 2010 11:57:14 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

I already spoke with his dad. They're gonna pick me up on their way back from Bavaria.
Sun Aug 01 2010 11:58:20 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

Currently I'm going about 15 to 18 km an hour. By this rate I'll be in at least two different states
Sun Aug 01 2010 12:00:03 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

I drank 3 bottles of water/minerals mix so far and had 3 bananas and 1 cheeseburger
Sun Aug 01 2010 12:02:15 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

Wow, once you sit down and relax, your legs don't want to get up anymore.

Sun Aug 01 2010 12:03:09 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

My biggest concern is my iPod's battery. It is my only source of a map. Right now a nice lady allows me to use her laptop's USB port.
Sun Aug 01 2010 12:13:23 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

~~~ 2 hours later ~~~

I'm in Königswinter in a cafe waiting for a ferry boat to cross the Rhine. Then I will continue on the B9
Sun Aug 01 2010 14:29:59 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

a nice man in his 60s gave me his map of the region... it ends at the state border... but I still have a bit until I reach it
Sun Aug 01 2010 14:31:43 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

Here I am http://maps.google.de/maps?ll=50.665131,7.19965&spn=0.061041,0.143337&z=13&iwloc=13964904820822171281&lci=com.google.webcams
Sun Aug 01 2010 14:34:11 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

~~~ another 2 and half hours later ~~~

I've arrived in Weißenthurm http://maps.google.de/maps?ll=50.415136,7.458344&spn=0.030683,0.071669&z=14 I'm exhausted. I need to peeee
Sun Aug 01 2010 16:53:38 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

according to my bike computer my top speed was 32,8 km/h... my avg speed is 18,3 km/h. I am very very exhausted
Sun Aug 01 2010 16:56:12 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

I just called mom and told her where I am... she freaked out... I think I have to face consequences... fuck it...
Sun Aug 01 2010 16:57:51 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

fucking German laws... everywhere everything is closed cos it's Sunday... I can only get water and energy bars at gas stations... for double the price... and no bananas or fresh fruit... I ate about 10 bifi rolls so far... I'M EXHAUSTED... can someone call a TAXI? lol
Sun Aug 01 2010 17:03:55 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

a lot of my friends on twitter sent me awesome messages and they were very supportive and encouraging... thank you soooo much :o)

guys guys... thank you so much for your tweets... I can't answer them all... I gotta leave... and please don't worry... I'm fiiine and happy
Sun Aug 01 2010 17:11:34 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via web

~~~ another 2 hours later ~~~

I DID IIIIT. I'M IN KOBLENZ. Free wifi at BK. That last 11 km took me almost two hours
Sun Aug 01 2010 19:12:04 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

I need food. Having two king fries and a triple whopper. Brb
Sun Aug 01 2010 19:16:14 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

*buuuuurp* I'm full now. Ok I can't move a muscle. Seriously. They're hard like stone. I feel like I weigh twice as much. Will sit back, call Domi and try to close my eyes if that's ok with you. Thank you so much for supporting me and rooting for me. You guys are pure love. I haven't completely realized it yet. 104.6 km. That's insane. Never done anything like this before.
Sun Aug 01 2010 19:37:36 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

Thank you so much for all the nice tweets. I'll get back to you asap. Now some rest. Oh, one more thing. Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouuuuuuch
Sun Aug 01 2010 19:38:45 (Central Europe Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPhone

Eventually, with a delay of 40 minutes they arrived in Koblenz and picked me up.
We almost never kiss or hold hands in front of his dad... I don't know why, maybe because we don't want to overload him with the gay thing... he still has a hard time with the fact that his "straight" son is in a gay relationship. But he is very very silent about that... he tries his best. He is a good person.

Anyways... Domi didn't care... he gave me one of the best hugs ever... And I don't know if it was my exhausted legs or relief that we are united again or love or whatever... but... at that moment I felt zero gravity... I couldn't move because every muscle in my body hurt and was as heavy as a rock... but at that moment in his arms... *sigh* I LOVE YOU.

His mom immediately called my mom and told her they've picked me up.
I sat in the back while Domi and his dad towed my bike to this transporting thing on the back... Domi sat next to me and held my hand (another thing we don't do in front of his dad).
They kept talking to me and asking me all kind of questions.
While his mom was interested in what I was thinking to have done "such a sweet thing", his dad asked me about the road and the stops I made and "technical stuff"...
At one point he asked me if I had the right amount of air in the tires, cos it is important...

After about 20 minutes I leaned over and rested my head on Domi's lap and closed my eyes while he was stroking my hair...

I don't know if I can make you understand how important this moment was for me.
One family... no holding back... total contentedness... a feeling of... I don't know... a big reward after 10 hours... and after waiting for 2 and half weeks... HEAVEN!!!

We arrived home shortly after 10pm... Domi helped me inside and mom didn't say much... I quickly tweeted "Home. Dead. Bed" and fell asleep.

Only to wake up with a lot of pain two hours later...but yeah... worth it.