Saturday, noon. We just came home from Oma's funeral. So many people she was friends with. So many people who loved her. Everyone keeps telling me how much she talked about me. How proud she was of her son's kids. They mean well when they take my hand and tell me about all the things they've heard of me. They don't realize that every single word of their's hurts and reminds me of how close I was to her.
Why am I here? This blog used to be the place to get things off my chest. I always felt better after writing it down.
But the pain doesn't go away.
----------------
It's 1:45pm now. I had to go help mom with serving lunch to our guests. I have no idea what this is for? Why do you have to entertain people after a funeral?
I don't know what the point of this post is. I wanted to get stuff out of my head but it's still there. It doesn't get better. All I want now is for everyone to leave me alone. Is that too much to ask? Why do I have to function?
Oma passed away in her sleep. She died of natural causes. Her attorney gave us a pre-recorded video of her from last summer. She knew she was gonna go. What's really disturbing is that she wasn't really Oma. She was all businessy and told us what to do with her and her belongings after her death.
------------
I want to thank you all for the direct messages and emails. Although I hardly reply to them, be assured that I read them. I just need time... I can't come back on twitter or skype and pretend I'm happy.
2 comments:
I don't think a blog or something so trite can assuage this much pain. You know that we are all thinking of you and only want to help. Maybe just knowing there are people thinking of you is as much as we can do. I hate receptions after funerals for the exact reasons that you mentioned: I hate having all those people around that we had to 'entertain'. I just wanted to be alone.
So sorry, Nic. I hope that time and your family's support can at least make the pain less. Take care-
Steve
People like to "decompress" slowly after a funeral. Maybe they even need to. And they want to tell you how your Oma talked about you. Right now that may hurt. But as time passes, you'll probably be able to draw some additional comfort from knowing that her love for you was that strong, from knowing that these people cared enough about her to come to the funeral, and cared enough about you to tell you those things.
Right now, of course the loss is very painful. Hopefully in time, gradually, gradually, your good memories will come to be the majority of your thoughts of her. And then you'll probably treasure what the people told you. But right now it is to be expected that the pain of separation is what you mostly feel.
And, as I said in my comment yesterday, I believe that your Oma and your Dad still live, beyond our sight, and you will eventually see them again. If you can believe this, it may ease the sadness somewhat. But whether or not you believe that, let yourself grieve over your loss, and hold on to all your good memories and your love.
*hugs*
Post a Comment