in moments like this, when I can't stop thinking about what could have been... when I ponder about the many many what ifs... I can't help but search for the problem in me.
Last time I wrote in here it was February... February the 14th... Valentine's Day. And although Domi and I had broken up we still agreed on spending Valentine's day together... as best friends... maybe as former lovers. The word former is wrong because I never stopped loving him. He never stopped loving me. Up to a couple of weeks ago...
I fucked it up. I fucked it up big time. We were trying to work it out, to stay friends... he was my best friend.
So naturally I didn't make a cut that other ex couples do when they part. My feelings towards him never changed. We only broke up because it was the right thing to do.
Some called it altruistic. Some called it stupid. But I didn't care what they thought. It's my life and I have to do what I think is the right thing for me. And I have to face the consequences.
And face the consequences I have.
Domi and I stayed friends, talked, spent time with each other, even played in the same basketball team again. We were just LIKE a couple but without the kissing and holding hands. Same jokes, same hugs, same laughs. So prom was coming closer and closer... and I was hoping he would ask a girl to go with him. I know for a fact that girls have asked him because at least two came to me and asked me if it would be ok with me if they ask him out.
I was very happy and I encouraged them to do so. But he said no... and I... I was trying to get over him. So I fell back on Oliver... Oliver... the person I probably hurt most in my life.
Oliver tried many times to start a relationship with me... he did before Adam, he did before Domi... he did while I was with Domi and he did after Domi... I have been completely honest with him all the time. I told him I wasn't ready. That I was still in love with Dominik and that he was too important as a friend to use him as my rebound guy.
Oli and I spent some very nice times together where I genuinely tried to forget about Domi and give a new relationship a chance. I introduced him on twitter... I got him involved... And my friends accepted him and welcomed him. I even won a bet... he didn't believe I had gay friends on twitter because I have no gay friends in (for the lack of a better word) "real life". So I tweeted that if I get 15 @mentions with "Nic is a hippo" I would win a bet with Oli and win a kiss :)... what can I say... thank you twitter friends :)
So yeah... Oliver... he introduced me to some of his gay friends and I had a few new experiences. And it was awesome... the time with him was awesome. So of course he was hoping for us to be boyfriends. And of course he was expecting me to take him to prom.
But that did not happen, because I did not want to hurt Domi. I swore to myself to move on AFTER he has moved on.
So the night before prom had arrived and neither Domi nor I had a date for the following night. I was ok with it that I "just (would) go with friends". Then, around 9pm he texted me and asked in German: "Lieber Niclas, würdest du mir die Ehre erweisen und mich zum Abschlussball begleiten?" (Dear Niclas, would you do me the honor and go to prom with me?)
At that time I was talking to a friend. I told him that. And he was the voice of reason. He said if I really want to work on our friendship and really want to put an end to the relationship I should say no and not give him false hope by going with him.
He was absolutely right. So I did. I called him and I said no. And that probably was too much for Domi to take. Because he did not end the relationship... he never moved on though he had many many opportunities... and he never believed it was over. But I guess that made it final. Because prom is important. Prom is something you will remember for the rest of your life. And I would not say no to him on that event if I didn't really mean it.
I FUCKED IT UP...
He started crying and yelling at me... he hung up.
I knew it was wrong to tell him that over the phone. But the damage was done. So I walked to his house. He pushed me away, he threw me out and shut the door on me. He yelled at me to not talk to him at prom or he would yell at me in front of everybody. He said he never wanted to see me again.
Nothing helped... I spent a while on the steps of his house... I tried to yell up to his room. I begged to talk to him. when I called him he hung up... then he turned off his cell.
After a while I went home and talked a bit to my friend... still thinking I did the right thing but in the worst way ever.
In the following weeks he refused to talk to me. When I directly approached him he said I should FUCK OFF. He meant it. He didn't want to see me.
About two weeks ago we were invited to a mutual friend's birthday party. Thomas tried his best to be friends with both of us and treat us equally. After the party we decided to go clubbing with all the guests. And I volunteered to be one of the drivers for the night. I wasn't feeling like partying because Domi was very cold to me the whole time. When I sat next to him he got up and moved away.
But what tortured me most that night was when I came back to where we were sitting from getting drinks with a friend. I saw Domi kissing a girl... I was hoping it would happen but seeing it with my own eyes. The person I love being with a girl. Kissing her. holding her. And he noticed... looked up to me... smiled and went back to making out.
As if he wanted to say: "IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?"
For about two weeks I am depressed and sad. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I feel worse. But in general I feel pain. As a friend pointed out to me, Domi would have been the one I would turn to to discuss all my problems. But he is gone... my best friend is gone. I have nobody (of Domi's kind of importance) to talk to. My mom and sister have picked up on this. My sister is too nice to me. She takes me out. She took me out to one of her friend's birthday party... where I ... I lost it... nobody knew me there... so I took advantage... I drank two glasses of whiskey cola... and danced shirtless on the floor. THAT IS NOT ME.
THAT is pure desperation...
This blog entry is pure desperation... I am trying to write this off my chest. I don't feel like it is remotely off my mind. I constantly think of him... think of all the good times we had together.
I've lost a boyfriend... I have lost my best friend... I have lost my hope.
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Now I want to come back to my first sentence. I can't help but search for the problem in me. What if I haven't been altruistic at all.. what if I subconsciously wanted out of the relationship to try new things... to explore the gay world... to fuck around.
After all this, I feel like a piece of shit... for throwing away something as wonderful as what he and I had.
I'm scum. And I shouldn't even cry... because it IS MY OWN FAULT.
I did this, but I never wanted this. When will I be able to move on?
9 comments:
I'm thinking if there is anything useful I can contribute to this. I don't think so its a complicated situation with a lot of things that cant be taken back
-- but I can contribute my love and to remind you that you have other friends to talk to. I know that we're no Domi -- but I for one have a lot of love to send to my bro from another mother across the planet. <3
You are both acting childish, but you are both still 'children' emotionally. Some people never outgrow this because, no matter how old you are, breaking up still hurts.
After a few drinks, we throw caution to the wind and consciously try to hurt the other person--make them realize how badly they fucked up by leaving us. We only make asses of ourselves and regret the whole thing later, but the damage is done.
If you want to be a friend, then act like one. Ignore it when he acts like an ass because you understand why he is acting this way. Be his friend. Forgive him. Stop lashing out against him. This is maturity. Understand your feelings and choose to be the master of them.
Love you Nic :)
Erst einmal, es tut mir so leid Nic, und das heißt simpel, der Schmerz springt über, nicht genug davon sicherlich, aber etwas schon, du hast Freunde, da oben sind zwei, die dich aufrichtig und selbstlos mögen. Zweitens, du bist in einer völlig beschissenen Situation, und wenn mir etwas Hilfreiches einfällt, bist du der erste, der davon erfährt. Aber du bist nicht allein, du fühlst dich so, ja und das ist auch wahr, auf seine Weise.
Dude, if you do not want to break with him, if he was or is the most important person in your life, why you broke up with him in the first place?
It's almost as if you're looking for the suffering!
And not just for yourself...
you wouldn't understand
Well there's no way to undo what's done. All there is, is to decide what to do now.
It seems to me that Domi's strong reaction means that he still has strong feelings for you, and your post shows that you have strong feelings for him.
It also seems to me that he was expecting that you would certainly accept his invitation. He should have told you sooner and given you a chance to think it over. He shouldn't have just assumed that you would instantly agree to going to the prom with him. I'd say he fouled it up as much as you did. I also think that the person who told you to refuse gave you bad advice.
What was needed, and still is, is clearer communication, IMO. So stay open to hearing from him, and give him all the time he needs to get over his hurt feelings.
If he won't let you contact him directly, maybe you could send an apology through his parents. I think occasional attempts at communication might be worthwhile, but probably no more than once a month at most until he responds.
You say we wouldn't understand why you broke up with him. Why not try us. Maybe we will understand.
*hugs*
I've thought some more about you and Domi, mostly about you, since my previous comment.
I think it is good that you are questioning your reasons for doing what you did. I'd like to suggest a couple of points for you to take into account.
One thing is that we often have mixed motives. There can be several reasons for what we do.
We humans are very good at making up rationalizations. We do what we want to do, and we make up a story about why we're doing it, or why it's okay, and we end up believing the story we made up. (you may be questioning your rationalization. If you are, that's a sign of real maturity. OTOH you may be doing it only because you don't like the outcome.)
Now that you've begun to question what you did and why you did it, you should also try to figure out what you really want, and what is really best. Was the story you told yourself about breaking up really true, even though the results are painful right now? If the story you told yourself about why you should break up was not true, or if it was only pary of the reason, is there enough reason for you to stay broken up with him? As painful as it is right now, is it really better, or are the reasons not good enough? What is really best for Domi? Or should you let him decide that for himself, maybe with you letting him know what you think? What is really best for you?
Let me add, from my perspective, that if you were coming to realize that true friendship is more important than sex, I think you had a good insight.
I hope this all works out for what is truly best for both of you.
Breaking up was your idea was it not? But now seeing your ex with someone else hurts and now you feel you made a big mistake. It's normal to feel betrayed or angry when you see someone else with your ex. You wanted him to move on and find someone else, but seeing it was still shocking. It will take some time to get used to seeing him with someone else. You had a reason for breaking it off, remember that reason and give yourself time to heal. Distance yourself from him and focus on other things in your life. Hopefully you can rebuild your friendship with him later on.
I will always love you <3
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