It's time - Part 1

For a long time I have been hesitating to talk about the new love in my life. For two reasons. The first reason is that I know that Dominik is reading my blog, in fact he has posted on here himself a while back. He was out of my life for a while and around my birthday in December we started talking and giving our friendship a chance. Since then I was just trying not to "rub it in" that I am happy with a new boy in my life, that I have moved on.


The second reason is, that this blog has so many memories of AWESOME times with Domi that I just found it very hard to bring in Greggy into this. It felt like "this is DomiNic's home". I didn't want him to feel like he is being compared to Domi or that he has to do the things Domi has done.


OMG, now that I am saying this I realize how stupid it sounds. But you know, guys... love isn't rational. Feelings aren't rational... So it's normal to think stupid things, I guess... I was just trying to be careful and not hurt anyone.


Now, after being with him for almost 4 months (on February 2nd it will be our fourmonthyversary), I know that he is assured enough that I only have feelings for him and that he means the world to me and that I am deeply deeply in love with him.


And I also know that enough time has passed (a whole year) to say that things have healed between Domi and me. That reading about Greggy will not hurt him.

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The boy that is the center of my love life is an angel that doesn't live in my country. I have met him on twitter. On May 7 2011 he started following me and just sent me a tweet asking to follow him back. Since I have enough straight guys in my offline life I wasn't interested in talking to straight guys on twitter, so my reply and first question was "are you gay?". haha I wasn't thinking really... later he told me that that weirded him out. His reply was "nope ..bisexual .. Why does this have to define ..(I am not English so my English is not perfect)"


After the first few tweets about Glee and how cute Chord Overstreet is, I found out that he was 15. His English was amazing for a 15 year old. I know that cos I am tutoring a 14 year old :) 
Anyways... we started talking more and more to each other. The topics had more depth and we talked about how you shouldn't trust people on the internet.


We became friends... I shared a lot of my thoughts with him about my breakup with Domi and what I was going through. Within a few months he had become someone I started to trust and someone I really liked. 
I was very interested in his culture... even started learning a bit of Slovene.
I used to do silly things like going to google translator and type whole tweets in there and have wacky translations which I tweeted to him.


Part 2 will follow soon

Our culture and politics vs. madness

The following text is part of a paper that my friend Jake from Wisconsin wrote. He had to interview someone from a different culture and he chose me. (For those who don't know, I'm 1/4 German and 3/4 American. I have the citizen-ships of both countries. I was born in LA California and currently live in Cologne/Germany.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Nic was very interested in having someone to speak to about his German heritage; he was convinced that German culture was very different in some ways from the way we live our lives in Wisconsin. He did in fact bring up several different places and ideas that had significance in moral, social, and technical ways.

One of the places we talked about was his school. He recently had graduated from “Gymnasium”, which is the advanced version of high school in German education system. I was surprised to hear him describe how the education system works: “Everyone is sent to different schools after 4th grade”. The teacher recommends one of three levels for the student to go on to based on their academic performance. They are “basic”, “mid-level”, and “advanced”, or “gymnasium”. Basic level students usually go into the work force while gymnasium students usually go to university for further education. When he asked me why I found that strange, I told him that I found it unusual that his culture was able to determine how a person will go through life based on their grades prior to and including grade 4. He agreed with me, and he noted that it is a contemporary argument to move the German educational system toward a less deterministic perspective. On the other hand, he offered his social critique of our educational system, and felt that even though his system was flawed, it was the better choice overall. “After all, even though not everyone goes to university [in Germany], those that do, do not have to go into so great debt- it is mostly paid for by the government”.

This conversation inevitably led to politics, which Nic was very interested in. He recently had watched the republican presidential debate and had been very confused by some of the antics of American politicians. One scene from the debate had stuck in his mind and he wanted to discuss it with me. A gay soldier, he said, had sent in a video question regarding LGBT rights in America. The audience had actually then boo’d the question before allowing the nominees to reply. He was shocked by this, and by (what he perceived as) the political platforms of Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum that were avidly anti-gay. Living in Cologne, and being gay himself, Nic admitted to never having seen LGBT rights as a social issue. “We are not treated differently. We have [civil unions], and I have never been singled out for being gay.” When I brought up the idea that it would likely be very controversial for an “out” politician to gain prominence in our political system, he laughed at our ignorance. “What does that have to do with their politics? Our minister of foreign affairs (a position similar to secretary of state in the USA) is gay and out, and doing a good job.The mayor of Berlin was just re-elected for the 3rd time (each term is 5 years) and he is also gay and out. That they are gay is not brought up by our pundits. [The pundits] talk about real issues like debt, and what politician has the best plan; who cares if the politician is gay?” This, he felt, was a justifiable reason to feel morally and politically superior to the United States. “I know my politicians are good, and I know, [regardless] of their [political party], that they want to do good by me. We really trust our politicians.” 

The trust Nic had in his government was something new to me. I found his, and presumably Germany's moral/political stance refreshing. Unimpressed by our own attitudes toward sexuality and the way we treat it in America, his tone reflected a belief that his perspective was not just that of Germany's, but of a universal truth that cried out from inside each of us.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

posted with Jake's permission

I understand...

...do you understand it too? I'm thinking of you again. Please, watch over me and guide me. I need you... Hope there's someone Who'll take care of me When I die, will I go Hope there's someone Who'll set my heart free Nice to hold when I'm tired There's a ghost on the horizon When I go to bed How can I fall asleep at night How will I rest my head Oh I'm scared of the middle place Between light and nowhere I don't want to be the one Left in there, left in there There's a man on the horizon Wish that I'd go to bed If I fall to his feet tonight Will allow rest my head So here's hoping I will not drown Or paralyze in light And godsend I don't want to go To the seal's watershed Hope there's someone Who'll take care of me When I die, Will I go Hope there's someone Who'll set my heart free Nice to hold when I'm tired

Hei Nicky

why don't you call back?

Happy Birthday Nicky

What's the time? Seems its already morning
I see the sky, its so beautiful and blue
The TV's on but the only thing showing is a picture of you

I get up and make myself some coffee
I try to read a bit but the story's too thin
I thank the Lord above that you're not there to see me
In this shape I'm in

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you think of me too
I'm spending my time

I try to call but I don't know what to tell you
I leave a kiss on your answering machine
Oh, help me please
Is there someone who can make me
Wake up from this dream?

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you are missing me too

I'm spending my time
Watching the sun go down
I fall asleep to the sound
Of "tears of a clown"
A prayer gone blind

I'm spending my time

My friends keep telling me:
Hey, life will go on
Time will make sure I'll get over you
This silly game of love you play you win only to lose

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you are missing me too


Happy Birthday Nicky

I love a boy named...

I love a boy named Jesse
But Jesse doesn't love me back
He says he has a girl in Chelsea he wants so much

I love a boy named Jesse
But Jesse doesn't love me back
He says he's insecure about what he feels and what he wants

What he feels and what he wants...

But every time he smiles at me
I know we are the same
And that he'll change his world for me
If he just knew my name

There's no need for you to say you saw the life they chose for me
For me...

I love a boy named Jesse
But Jesse doesn't love me back
He wants to kiss and go to bed but he doesn't want to talk
I love a boy named Jesse
But Jesse doesn't love me back

He says he's straight and all that stuff is only in my mind
Only in my mind...

All I can hide
I'm doing fine

But every time he smiles at me i know we are the same
And that'll he'll he change his world for me
If he just knew my name

There's no need for you to say you saw the life they chose for me
For me...

I love a boy named Danny
But Danny doesn't love me back
He says he has a girl in Chelsea he wants so much

I love a boy named Danny
But Danny doesn't love me back
He says he's insecure about what he feels and what he wants

What he feels and what he wants... 

maybe I'm a monster

in moments like this, when I can't stop thinking about what could have been... when I ponder about the many many what ifs... I can't help but search for the problem in me.

Last time I wrote in here it was February... February the 14th... Valentine's Day. And although Domi and I had  broken up we still agreed on spending Valentine's day together... as best friends... maybe as former lovers. The word former is wrong because I never stopped loving him. He never stopped loving me. Up to a couple of weeks ago...

I fucked it up. I fucked it up big time. We were trying to work it out, to stay friends... he was my best friend.
So naturally I didn't make a cut that other ex couples do when they part. My feelings towards him never changed. We only broke up because it was the right thing to do.

Some called it altruistic. Some called it stupid. But I didn't care what they thought. It's my life and I have to do what I think is the right thing for me. And I have to face the consequences.

And face the consequences I have.

Domi and I stayed friends, talked, spent time with each other, even played in the same basketball team again. We were just LIKE a couple but without the kissing and holding hands. Same jokes, same hugs, same laughs. So prom was coming closer and closer... and I was hoping he would ask a girl to go with him. I know for a fact  that girls have asked him because at least two came to me and asked me if it would be ok with me if they ask him out.

I was very happy and I encouraged them to do so. But he said no... and I... I was trying to get over him. So I fell back on Oliver... Oliver... the person I probably hurt most in my life.
Oliver tried many times to start a relationship with me... he did before Adam, he did before Domi... he did while I was with Domi and he did after Domi... I have been completely honest with him all the time. I told him I wasn't ready. That I was still in love with Dominik and that he was too important as a friend to use him as my rebound guy.

Oli and I spent some very nice times together where I genuinely tried to forget about Domi and give a new relationship a chance. I introduced him on twitter... I got him involved... And my friends accepted him and welcomed him. I even won a bet... he didn't believe I had gay friends on twitter because I have no gay friends in (for the lack of a better word) "real life". So I tweeted that if I get 15 @mentions with "Nic is a hippo" I would win a bet with Oli and win a kiss :)... what can I say... thank you twitter friends :)

So yeah... Oliver... he introduced me to some of his gay friends and I had a few new experiences. And it was awesome... the time with him was awesome. So of course he was hoping for us to be boyfriends. And of course he was expecting me to take him to prom.

But that did not happen, because I did not want to hurt Domi. I swore to myself to move on AFTER he has moved on.

So the night before prom had arrived and neither Domi nor I had a date for the following night. I was ok with it that I "just (would) go with friends". Then, around 9pm he texted me and asked in German: "Lieber Niclas, würdest du mir die Ehre erweisen und mich zum Abschlussball begleiten?" (Dear Niclas, would you do me the honor and go to prom with me?)

At that time I was talking to a friend. I told him that. And he was the voice of reason. He said if I really want to work on our friendship and really want to put an end to the relationship I should say no and not give him false hope by going with him.

He was absolutely right. So I did. I called him and I said no. And that probably was too much for Domi to take. Because he did not end the relationship... he never moved on though he had many many opportunities... and he never believed it was over. But I guess that made it final. Because prom is important. Prom is something you will remember for the rest of your life. And I would not say no to him on that event if I didn't really mean it.

I FUCKED IT UP...

He started crying and yelling at me... he hung up.
I knew it was wrong to tell him that over the phone. But the damage was done. So I walked to his house. He pushed me away, he threw me out and shut the door on me. He yelled at me to not talk to him at prom or he would yell at me in front of everybody. He said he never wanted to see me again.
Nothing helped... I spent a while on the steps of his house... I tried to yell up to his room. I begged to talk to him. when I called him he hung up... then he turned off his cell.

After a while I went home and talked a bit to my friend... still thinking I did the right thing but in the worst way ever.

In the following weeks he refused to talk to me. When I directly approached him he said I should FUCK OFF. He meant it. He didn't want to see me.

About two weeks ago we were invited to a mutual friend's birthday party. Thomas tried his best to be friends with both of us and treat us equally. After the party we decided to go clubbing with all the guests. And I volunteered to be one of the drivers for the night. I wasn't feeling like partying because Domi was very cold to me the whole time. When I sat next to him he got up and moved away.

But what tortured me most that night was when I came back to where we were sitting from getting drinks with a friend. I saw Domi kissing a girl... I was hoping it would happen but seeing it with my own eyes. The person I love being with a girl. Kissing her. holding her. And he noticed... looked up to me... smiled and went back to making out.

As if he wanted to say: "IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?"

For about two weeks I am depressed and sad. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I feel worse. But in general I feel pain. As a friend pointed out to me, Domi would have been the one I would turn to to discuss all my problems. But he is gone... my best friend is gone. I have nobody (of Domi's kind of importance) to talk to. My mom and sister have picked up on this. My sister is too nice to me. She takes me out. She took me out to one of her friend's birthday party... where I ... I lost it... nobody knew me there... so I took advantage... I drank two glasses of whiskey cola... and danced shirtless on the floor. THAT IS NOT ME.
THAT is pure desperation...

This blog entry is pure desperation... I am trying to write this off my chest. I don't feel like it is remotely off my mind. I constantly think of him... think of all the good times we had together.

I've lost a boyfriend... I have lost my best friend... I have lost my hope.

---------

Now I want to come back to my first sentence.  I can't help but search for the problem in me. What if I haven't been altruistic at all.. what if I subconsciously wanted out of the relationship to try new things... to explore the gay world... to fuck around.
After all this, I feel like a piece of shit... for throwing away something as wonderful as what he and I had.

I'm scum. And I shouldn't even cry... because it IS MY OWN FAULT.

I did this, but I never wanted this. When will I be able to move on?