tears of joy

Mom is in the kitchen preparing a nice dinner. The whole house is dark-lit. A lot of candles are burning. Mom put on some old christmas cassettes/tapes.

We are listening to old recordings and whenever there is a bump or silence or a crackling mom yells "Niiiiiiic, you played with it again".

But then something happened that brought the whole house to silence...

in the middle of a song the recording  stops and you hear a little baby boy play his tiny keyboards by just pressing one key at a time... there is no real melody... just rhythmic noise... then he starts to humm along and sing "la la la la"... it's me at the age of 4 I think... and then

we hear dad in the background yelling... "enoooough, nicky, sleep already".. then you hear nothing.







I think this is the magic of christmas.

It means something to me

Well a kiss might be just a kiss to you
But baby it meant something to me
And a night to remember might be
Just a Monday in September
Baby it meant something to me

I know you try - It's gotta come from the heart
I know I believe it's the hardest part of love

And cause you can remember
The 22nd day in November
Baby you mean something to me

I know you try - Baby it's gotta come from the heart
I know I believe it's the hardest part of love

And a kiss might be just a kiss to you
But maybe it meant something
Or maybe it meant nothing
Baby it meant something to me


petesblog: Omg im awake already?!?! Ive only been asleep for 4 hrs! Damn skype kept me up until 4, but I blame @ntotheitothec and his cuteness

ntotheitothec: @petesblog @petesblog @petesblog @petesblog @petesblog  :p <3333

petesblog: @ntotheitothec #threewordsforyou - I heart you :)

ntotheitothec: @petesblog honey? marshmallow? pumpkin pie? you there?

petesblog: #wecantdate because you are 4008.06 miles away

ntotheitothec: @petesblog <3 + *HUG* just because I can

petesblog: I just made @ntotheitothec's xmas present. Had to do it while dad was out of the house cos it's kinda hard to hide while i was working on it

petesblog: i had to stand on a chair to get the pic, and even then i had to hold the camera above my head.

ntotheitothec: @petesblog thank you Petey. I love it. <4 is our thing and will always be. now give me a *********HUUUUUUG*********

petesblog: I just got an out of the blue call from @ntotheitothec on Skype to tell me "I love you and goodnight." Why does he have to be 4000mi away :(




<4 :-*

Trust

I've been gone for a long time. My computer's gone whack. I'm at my aunt's house. A lot has happened. I met some gays at school and this guy, Travis, who hungout with them. At first I hated him, but then I fell for him. I was infatuated and wanted to be around him lots. Then I told him I liked him after he asked me if I was gay. I joined the choir because he was on it (p.s. - I can't sing.) Told him on October 3rd. I didn't go to school on October 6 and I called him and asked him straight up I he liked me over the phone. He said no. There was a group of them around when I asked him. Another person asked me if I would suck his dick and I said yes. That's was my mistake! A few days later my friend, Jason (Nic, you remember Jason?) called me out and told me that he heard some things about me, the things I told Travis. I couldn't believe. Not only Jason knew, but also strangers. I was being found out and I knew that Travis couldn't no longer be trusted and neither could his friends. i am currently alienating them and staying far from them. They are trouble with a capital "T". There was a point where I felt like I had no friends and that my life was less interesting and fun than a sea sponge. I miss you guys. I don't know who I can trust here, who will be there for me when I'm down and not betray me.

darkness

You look at me and see the boy
Who lives inside the golden world
But don't believe
That's all there is to see
You'll never know the real me

He smiles through a thousand tears
And harbours adolescent fears
He dreams of all
That he can never be
He wades in insecurity
And hides himself inside of me

Don't say he takes it all for granted
I'm well aware of all I have
Don't think that I am disenchanted
Please understand

It seems as though I've always been

Somebody outside looking in
Well, here I am for all of them to bleed
But they can't take my heart from me
And they can't bring me to my knees
They'll never know the real me

papa

Why did you have to die when I was only at the age of five
So suddenly you were gone and I was left with answers hard to find
Now I think of you 'cause I'm in hunger for your warmth
That no one can replace
And I know that where I go you're always by my side
I just want to let you know...

Papa, oh I miss you sometimes
Papa, can you hear me when I cry
Papa, oh I miss you sometimes
Papa, can you hear me when I cry
For you

Your spirit never died and all your words I treasure in my heart
You left me with a smile but my cheeks aren't always dry from all the tears
So I think of you 'cause I'm in hunger for your warmth
That no one can replace
And I know that where I go you're always by my side
I just want to let you know

I love you papa

adults

Nic: well at least he apologised
Nic: still bothers me a bit
Michael: Yes.
Michael: He apologized after kicking you for a while.
Michael: Hurt still working in you.
Michael: And not stopping by a simple excuse, probably.
Nic: yes
Nic: I'm 17 not 5

Smile

Thank you, Mr. Chaplin, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.



Smile, though your heart is aching - Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky - You'll get by...

If you smile with your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just

hey guys

Hey readers, sorry I haven't blogged in awhile... I got some feedback that what i put up was depressing, and i didn't mean it to be that way, so im sorry...
But now i think if i blog anything it will just be events, and not creative writings anymore.
My English teacher today, who ive never had anything but respect for, took me aside after a block period where we discussed Solzhenitizen's One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich for 80 minutes. I thought that she was going to compliment me on my job in the class discussion that day, but i was very very wrong. She told me that, on my last paper, and on my thesis for my extended esssay, i dont know what a theme is. She badgered me and humiliated me for 15 or 20 minutes, and i guess all i can say is im glad she didnt do it in front of the class...
anyways, i was and am extremely hurt by what she said to me..
Ive never done anything but put all of my effort into anything i gave her, and ive always enjoyed english more than any other class..
And i know the difference between a creative writing and a literary analysis... but I love doing both..
but for her to say the things she did....in the way she did....
it just makes me want to stop writing forever.
Anyways.... sorry for yet another depressing entry, at least this one isnt accompanied with a stupid poem.

~Jake~

it's hurting me more

...than it's hurting you

"but then I guess you have to come to terms with the fact that you're in love with a boy who is an asshole." and stupid for saying this line

5:13 AM Nov 1st

i'm sorry Domi... I'm really really sorry.

10:16 PM Nov 1st

please watch this Domi and please forgive me ♫ http://blip.fm/~fq4r8

10:22 PM Nov 1st

Listen... it is hard sitting here and waiting for you to forgive me, when all I want to do is screaming out to the world that I'm yours,

that you own me

that I am dieing on the inside without your hugs, smiles and touch

3:25 AM Nov 5th

I made a mistake, I am sorry and you know damn well I'd do anything to take it back. Please, please forgive me

it's in the middle of the night and I am awake sitting here and doing nothing else but think of you

doesn't it mean anything to you anymore that I love you?

http://bit.ly/n82v3 just read this and started crying again. when is it gonna stop hurting?

3:18 PM Nov 13th

You got a way of spreading magic everywhere. Anywhere I go, I know you're always there

6:59 AM Nov 20th

It sounds ridiculous, but when you leave a room there's a part of me that just wants to follow you.

6:59 AM Nov 20th

Give me a reason

7:00 AM Nov 20th

"michael, I deeply, deeply, from the very bottom of my heart love him to the moon and back. I miss him so much"

"but it's hard giving it time, time is working against me. time is eating me up. I talk and talk and talk"

"and I think and think and think about it all the time"

11:33 PM Nov 24th

dear twitter hugbots, I need a hug, please don't you reject me too

11:36 PM Nov 24th

I just got a txt message and for the first time someone referred to Dominik as my ex. It's like slapping me in the face.

9:11 PM Nov 25th

Take a look at me now

you coming back to me
is against all odds
and that's what I've got to face



How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, oh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me, when all I can do is watch you leave
Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain, and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now, cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now, cause there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, well that's all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cause I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've got to take

Just take a look at me now

Cougar much?

So I was at this perfume store called "Douglas" with my mom, right? There was this nice saleswoman in her early 40s. While mom was looking for cosmetics and an obvious gay effiminate guy with heavily smeared face was giving her samples and make up tips, that nice saleslady was showing me some new stuff from Gaultier and Joop!
She was very nice and she looked at me and said: "oh I know the perfect fragrance for you" and she took the bottle and first sprayed it on a piece of paper. Then she said "it's so much better when it gets in contact with your skin" and she touched my neck. Then she sprayed some of it on my neck and started rubbing it in. "you need to mix it with the smell of your own skin". Then she sniffed me and said, "yeees that smells good on you"

LOL  That lady was totally hitting on me until mom saw it from the other side and came over and said "my SIXTEEN YEAR OLD son already found his fragrance, thank you."

the look on her face was epic.

btw, I'm gonna be 17 in a week. just saying. :-p

Don't

the following is a poem from a friend of mine. Only someone who went through something like this can remotly understand what this poem is about and how beautiful it is in it's sadness.

Don’t
Dont look at me with pity, i need your strength
Dont crowd me with words, just let me talk
Dont touch me, i will reach out when im ready
Dont call me, i need time to think and work it through

Dont tell me how i should feel, feelings are beyond my control at this time

Dont stop my tears and screams, they are my path to release and healing
Dont cross the road to avoid me, just smile and say hello
Dont say you understand, just thank god that you cant
Dont be hurt by what i say or do, my pain is clouding my judgement
Dont think im going mad, im doing the best i can do to retain my sanity

Dont tell me i will forget, his memory is all i have left

and whatever you do

Dont think i dont appreciate you being here

taken from Duane's tumbler

No more tears left to cry

My tears run down like razorblades - And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you or is it me?
And all the words we never say - Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights - I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over

I'm not asking for much

If you know me, love me and respect me, please give me 5 minutes of your life.

Samba de Janeiro

Today is Dominik's mother's 60th birthday. Since my mom and she are friends, mom decided to surprise her.
She made reservations in this brazilian restaurant where they have live music and brazilian dancers.

It was Jürgen, Mom, Christina, Domi's Dad, Domi's Mom, Dominik and I.
We all decided to go for the all you can eat, 9 types of different grilled meat. Except Mr. Dominik, who STILL thinks vegetarianism is the way to go.
Whatev. What's special about the restaurant is, that they are almost as many employees as guests there. OK, maybe I exagerate a bit, but there was a lot of them. Like every 2 minutes they came with, rice, beans, broccolli, potatoes, mushrooms, carrots, they had even personell for the different sauces... funny :)

well, it works like this. The waiters come in with big portions of grilled meat and slice it right on your plate. Then the next guy comes with beef, then the other one with filet mignon etc etc

then suddenly we heard loud music coming out of the speakers and it was the "happy birthday" song. And it turned out 4 people were having their birthday party in this restaurant tonight.
After that, brazilian samba music was playing and two female dancers came out and started to put on a show. They were almost naked and only wore a bra and a thong and some feathers on their heads.
And they started to animate people to dance with them.

And guess who got up and danced?
Dominik. Is there a dance he doesn't know?
He was dancing Samba with them. Yes with the booty shaking and all. It was delicious :)

After we all were finished eating and before the dessert, Domi and I got up and went to the car to get our joint present for his mom.
It is a set of 4 canvasses and a lot of brushes and colors for her to paint.

She was very happy and she had a few tears in the corner of her eyes :)

That was a great night and I am so full and worn out and happy right now.. DOMI IS BACK :o) yaaaaay

We decided, since they came back from their holidays today, to spend the night each on our own but I'll be at his house first thing tomorrow. We have a lot to catch up to :P

Answers

Found these questions on Steve's blog and thought I give it a go. His was interesting to read. Don't know what you'll think of mine.

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
my magic wand, because the water isn't that hot yet

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
grey

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Dominik? OH YES!

4. Do you plan outfits every day?.
No, I grab the first thing that is reachable. Sometimes it's like picking up something from the carpet, smell it and if it's still ok, I wear it.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
content. I have a bottle of VITAMALZ here and it's icecold and I just watched an episode of desperate housewives.

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red?
the towel I dried my hair with this morning

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
I think hard, but I really can't remember. Sometimes it's so realistic that I can't tell if I dreamt something or if it really happened to me.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
Yes I did. His name is Kevin and he's the new intern at mom's agency..

9. What are you craving right now?
Dominik's hug - he's at the north sea with his parents at their beach house.

10. Do you floss?
I use mouthwash.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
sex

12. Are you emotional?
yes, overly emotional. I'm trying to control it though and be more careless.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
When I was doing situpsand pushups, I used to count them. Best was 1800 situps in one week.. I'm not doing it anymore.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
Hellooooo I'm gay. I'd never bite into it.

15. Do you like your hair?
no. not if I compare it to Dominik's hair. I used to have long hair when I was 13/14.

16. Do you like yourself?
Yes, I'm very much in love with myself. I mean, come on... who wouldn't tap this? :p ;o)

17. Would you go out to eat with George Bush?
The question is: would he survive?

18. What are you listening to right now?
"Still got the blues for you" by Gary Moore (it's on the radio)

19. Are your parents strict?
No, mom is fairly reasonable when it comes to rules and stuff. It's good to have an older sister, because she already fought all the fights for me. All I gotta do is say "but Christina was allowed to when she was my age" :p

20. Would you go sky diving?
No. I have a fear of heights

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Yes. Sometimes I eat it plain with a spoon.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Well, yes, a few, since mom is in advertising and stuff and her company also organises events.

23. Do you rent movies often?
if "rent" means torrenting, then yes

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
a shiny silver air balloon with the words "happy 16th". It's out of air though

25. How many countries have you visited?
lots, USA, Germany, England, Belgium, Netherlands, Luxembourg, France, Czech Republic and Dubai

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
yeah, last month was the latest

27. Ever been on a train?
Yes. Is this a serious question? who hasn't?

28. Brown or white eggs?
White. I'm racist. No, really, is there a difference? I never cared.

29. Do you have a cell-phone?
who came up with these questions? OF COURSE.

30. Do you use chap stick?
yes, twice a day

31. Do you own a gun?
No, I don't live in the USA. Wait, asking for trains, cell phones and now guns... I think the creator of this survey is American.

32. Can you use chop sticks?
Yes. it's easy.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
My hand.

34. Are you too forgiving?
No, I'm not. Maybe after a long time I forgive, but I never forget. I should work on this.

35. Ever been in love?
this whole blog is about love. yes I have.

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
Probably miss me as much as I miss him.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
what are cream puffs?

38. Last time you cried?
A while back when I was talking to a friend on skype. I was moody the whole day and he was being very understanding and caring, so I opened up and started crying told him I miss my dad.

39. What was the last question you asked?
"what are cream puffs?"

40. Favorite time of the year?
summer vacation and December (Birthday and Christmas gifts. I love getting stuff, ok? ok!)

41. Do you have any tattoos?
No, I hate them.

42. Are you sarcastic?
Are you for real?

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Heard of it, but never seen. It's with Kutcher, right?

44.Ever walked into a wall?
no, but I've walked into a traffic pole. I remember that pain very well.

45. Favorite color?
black & blue

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
yes, last time I even slapped someone with a closed fist. not proud of it.

47. Is your hair curly?
no

48. What was the last CD you bought?
The Complete Discography of "Bright Eyes". I "bought" it off the internet.

49. Do looks matter?
Yes, but really, believe me, I met one or two people who I've been with just based on looks and they had no brains, I swear. After a while it gets boring. It's like, you just go to them for sex and then you catch yourself leaving very fast. Because you are sick of hearing about how the earth is flat.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
Well it depends, Domi and I talked about this. I have no problem with him being with a girl. He knows that but he hasn't felt the need to be with one. I guess I'm the better lover.
Wait, I just thought of something. Wouldn't it actuallybe my own fault if someone would cheat on me, because I would have failed to give them what they needed?

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
I don't know, I'm on my mom's company plan. But I do have unlimited free calls to landlines and within the network of my service provider and I pretty much stick to that and don't call people on other networks.

52. Do you like your life right now?
yes, yes and yes

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
yes, except in my case it's the computer. I hardly watch German TV and usually I make a playlist of a few episodes of my favorite sitcoms and set it to "shut down after finishing"

54. Can you handle the truth?
Sure

55. Do you have good vision?
yes, no, maybe. how would I know? I don't wear glasses...

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
yes, I do

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
Too much. when I'm not on the phone, I talk to people on skype. I'm very communicative

58. The last person you held hands with?
Dominik, the cutest creature on god's green earth

59. What are you wearing?
I'm about to go to bed, so, erm... does my blanket count?

60.What is your favorite animal?
I like dogs, never had one but I like them a lot. And Elephants. I love elephants. Also never had one :P


61. Where was your default picture taken at?
I don't know which one I use right now. But one is on a bench at a basketball court, the other one is on a massaging chair in a mall and one is on top of some building in NYC

62. Can you hula hoop?
hula hooping is the act of thrusting your hip back and for, right? I think I'd be an expert in hula hooping.;o)

63. Do you have a job?
Only one that gets paid with kisses, hugs and love. I do the computer maintenance for mom's agency.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
a bottle of VITAMALZ

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
I didn't, but Dominik did when he came over to my house at 5am a few months ago. He didn't want to wake my mom and called me on the phone but I was asleep and my phone was set to mute. I remember mom woke me up and said "Domi is outside, he's throwing things at your window. Get up and let him in. I go back to bed. Tell him I said hi."

beautiful soul

I'm a bit embarassed

and there's the reason. the reason is right there in the title.
How do you spell embarassed? is it with two s or two r? is it ember... or embar...?

I feel bad. I'm also a bit mad at myself.
I don't speak English that well, I don't speak German that well and I for sure don't speak French and Spanish that well, despite the fact that I have classes in school for all languages.

See, it's not that I don't speak very well. My teachers always compliment my pronounciation in German or Spanish or French. But it's the lack of words.
I've left the states when I was 12. I've been living in Germany before, for half a year, when I was 6 or 7.
So it is kind of not my fault. What 12 year old knows words that a 16 yeard old should know?
I sometimes fail to have a decent conversation with my friends from the states or NZ or the UK or Australia... well the people in Australia are hard to understand in general. Like they call their friends "mights" and mean mates. Whatever.

What I mean is, I feel a bit stupid not knowing certain words. I also feel stupid because I know them in German but not in English. Sometimes it's the other way around. I want to say something and I know the English word but can't use it and so I have to walk my way around it and use descriptive language to make myself understood. For me it's degrading because that's what little children do.

I feel inferior when I know that I have no reason at all to feel that way. I'm an intelligent enough guy and although I haven't read a lot of books, I do know a lot of characters of literature, writers and stories. I'm also very interested in politics and know a lot about the world and geography.
But it's... I don't know... it bothers me.

My friend Lucas wrote something to me two days ago. He wrote something like "please, try to speak English". And I know he didn't mean to hurt me and it actually didn't hurt me at all at that moment, but in hindsight I know exactly what he meant. It's bad when you can't make yourself clear.

Sometimes when I'm skyping to my friend Jake, I have to speak slowly to buy time... time to think hard about the right word I wanna use to say what I wanna say. And it's bad when you are trying to have a deep conversation and don't want to only scratch the surface and talk about superficial stuff and call everything "that's hot" like Paris Hilton.

aaaaaaaah, I'm frustrated.

PS: ignore any typos, it's fucking 6:30 on a Saturday morning. I have every right to misspell things at this time of the day.

Things Will Never Be The Same

Lay it down, pull my heart to the ground
Time's getting cold, now the leaves all turn hard and blue

And I know, when I gaze to the sun
No place to hide I got nowhere to run from you
Away from you

Hold me now, girl, I don't know when,
When we will ever meet again

That was then, baby this is now
I try to get over you

Losing you... things will never be the same
Can you hear me call your name?
If we changed it back again
Things would never be...

In your hand, babe, I don't understand
You've got the eyes of a child but you hurt like a man, always do
Always do

Touch me now, girl I don't know when,
When we will ever meet again
That was then, baby this is now
Time won't get over you

Losing you... things will never be the same
Can you hear me call your name?
If we changed it back again
Things would never be the same

DRUNK

It's Friday night, no, Saturday morning 1:24am.
I'm drunk

Dominik made me drunk. He's cute. He snuggled up to me at the bonfire.

I'm glad we had blankets.

I'm drunk

I miss you already

"DO THINK TWICE"

surprise punch

Your punch was surprising. He wasn't expecting it. It looked something like this:



I love you

"Boom Boom" Nicky

Ok, let's get this over with.
I did something bad or good but bad only that it was the right thing but it was a bad thing too.
Confused?

Here's the story.

Last Wednesday I came out of class to see that some guy is pushing Dominik. Dominik pushed him back. Then as I ran towards them to help Dominik, that guy stopped pushing and only said one word. He called Dominik a "Hurensohn".
That word combined with me seeing the guy pushing Dominik made me lose control and so I did what I never did before.
I was aiming for his head but he kinda leaned forward and I punched his jaw.
He was stoped by his friends. I swear to god, we both were so much in rage that if they hadn't stoped him, one of us would have landed in hospital.

That night I was in so much pain I could hardly sleep. After going to the doctor he told me that I broke my hand. The base part of my middle finger has a clean fracture and there is a hairsplit on the back of my hand.

Now I have to wear a castlike plastic thing that keeps my hand still.

Obviously I didn't go to school because I was at the doctors. Who btw is an asshole. I asked him for painkillers and he said I deserve the pain because of what I have done.
Anyways, when I logged in to SchülerVZ (a german social network for students) I had 23 messages. All pretty much saying the same thing "wow, you stud. YOU BROKE HIS JAW"
And suddenly I am pretty popular with the girls, because I "came to Dominik's rescue" and I am "the knight in shining armor", so to speak.

I broke my hand while breaking his jaw. How gay is that?

Well, to make things short, on saturday the police came to my house and interviewed me. After signing a few papers and giving them my identification and stuff they told me that I probably have to go to court and my punishment will be some community service.
For my German readers: they have Strafanzeige erstattet.

To top things off. Mom was in Italy with my aunt (who is gonna go back to LA this sunday *sniff*) and Jürgen (her bf). So my sister called her and told her about the police. Then mom called me and said stuff like "I don't know you, who are you?" then she grounded me, ON THE PHONE.

Neither she nor Dominik's mom knew at that time why I did it. I couldn't stand in front of his Mom and tell her in the face that I did it because some idiot called her a WHORE. Seriously, can you do that? Can you use that word in front of someone you respect?

I can't.

So when Mom returned on Monday and she, Jürgen and I sat down to discuss what I have done, I told Jürgen why I did it. And he told mom. So yeah. After they talked for a while they called me in and mom told me I am not grounded anymore and that she is gonna talk to Markus' parents and try to convince them to withdraw their report (I don't know the right word).
But she still wasn't happy about it.

Today she told Dominik's mom. And Dominik called me afterwards and told me that his mom went to him and told him that she thinks he has a good friend in me.

Hmm, I donno if this is a good or bad thing. I tend to say it is a bad thing.
My Coach actually called me and yelled at me for not being able to play for the next 6 weeks. He said I did the right thing but then started to call me an idiot an asshole and very selfish person. Oh and that he's proud of me.

yeah.

And on Tuesday when I went to basketball practice to support the team by just sitting there and watching, he made me run 30 laps around the court. Just for (his) fun.

(C)rap Music

I know this title is very disrecpectful. But it serves a purpose.
I never liked rap music. Except a few songs of Tupac, Run DMC, Eminem and Kanye West.


I simply don't get that dissin', unrespectful, motherfucking, bitchin, fucking, shit, cunt, wanna lick your pussy rap music.

But yesterday, I saw something that changed my view on rap music a bit.
After Kanye did what he did on the VMAs he went to the Jay Leno Show and aplologized for it.
That is not the impressive thing though. I think that's the least thing he could do.
But what impressed me is, that Jay Z and Rihanna didn't let him fall. They went on the show and perfrmed with him and showed their support for him. Jay Z is kinda known as one of the godfathers of rap music today. And the way he was looking at Kanye during the performance and supporting him, brought me to believe that there is actually something like a codex in that genre.

I think I'm straight

yes, you heard me.
I can't be gay. It's impossible.
I was in Roermond today. Roermond is a city in the Netherlands close to the German border.
There is a shopping mall there called Designer Outlet Roermond which is kind of a town built inside of the city of Roermond. As you may have guessed it's a special place where only designer labels are sold (Gucci, Hugo Boss, Joop, Dolce&Gabbana, Diesel).
So I assume real gay men would feel like they are in heaven.
But I couldn't leave soon enough. It seems the gay gene for shopping is missing from my gene pool.
I bought two Diesel Jeans, two D&G shirts and a pair of Nikes. And that was it. The rest of the time I was deadly bored and sat down outside the stores and waited for my family to finish.

Thank god there were a lot of really cute dutch boys walking around. And I got to flirt with a 17 year old Vietnamese who was working at that bistro we stoped at to have coffee. He was totally sweet and smiled all the time and when we bought our coffee and sat down (it was self service), he came over and started cleaning the (already clean) tables around us and then kept on talking to me. And then he left again after feeling like he should show his boss that he's actually working, only to come back with a few mini cookies on a plate and said in a megasweet voice "here you go, some sweets for you". When I left he waved at me and gave me that smiling look again.

Oh wait, did I say "thank god there were cute boys"?
Maybe I'm gay after all.

pheeew. what a relief.

A Three and a Half Year Shoe Contract

Friends, i have once again completed watching one of my ALL TIME favorite films
The Life Aquatic
Directed by Wes Anderson
And staring Bill Murray.

I would like to share a poem with you that i wrote some time ago.
It is titled

(picture of a palm-like tree)Pluck

What
Can be found
but never touched
evil but love light &
dark life and death
air and solid all touch earth is
stopped the root is not buried deep
see cant everyone diction leather lead
let it all out show your life stop the crap
that can be started dont listen revolt
end all that none end conform stop all never
begin the conform stop if you want on the
never ending ride no one escapes it
doesnt end if you plant a seed
you do nothing to prevent
nothing START IT ALL.

Dedicated to Esteban.
And the past.
And the future.

I love all of you, take care.

~Jake~

yum.

This is probably gonna be the only time I post a picture like that in our blog. I want to keep this blog non-sexual. I know I know, I failed here and there, but it's still my intention.

So... this picture, well.... I...  I couldn't resist to post it.

Pure Disappointment

I need to vent, I need to vent really bad.
why do I need to vent? because of one Mister Nicolas Cage.

Mister Nicolas Cage was one of my most favorite. No wait... he was THE most favorite actor of mine ever.
I mean, look at the movies he's made... Con Air, Face Off with Travolta, THE ROCK, and need I mention his brilliant brilliant brilliant acting in The Matchstick Men?

So when I hear that Mister Nicolas Cage headlines a movie, I automatically assume that movie is the best movie of the DECADE.

Oh how wrong I was.

I watched "The Wicker Man" with a promising very good start. Very mysterious. A cop is called to a secluded private island by her former fiance to help her find her kidnapped daughter.
Great story. Great acting. Honestly, Nicolas. Good work. BUT THE MOVIE WAS TOTAL CRAP.

Then, I watched "The Knowing". Again... a perfect story, very good in the beginning, very good acting on your part, Nicolas. Very mysterious, thrilling story. BUT THEY HAD TO FUCK IT UP with adding aliens to the story. I mean... are you even reading the scripts before you accept a job offer?

You let me down, man. YOU. LET. ME: DOWN.

I hate you Mister Nicolas Cage, I hate you. I hate you because you STILL are my favorite actor of all times. And I hate you because of all the money you're gonna get from me for the future bad movies you make that I'll watch because of you.

Real Time with Bill Maher

[14:09:35] Nic: Lucas, this man is hilarious beyond means
[14:10:06] Nic: the things he says about the stupidity of people in general
[14:10:18] Lucas: who?
[14:10:58] Nic: like, on the night of the iraq war 70% of the american people believed that saddam hussein had a direct involvement in 9/11
[14:11:14] Nic: today, 6 years later... 34% still do
[14:11:29] Nic: Bill Maher
[14:12:30] Lucas: oh yeah i've heard of him
[14:13:22 | Edited 14:13:27] Nic: in south carolina, ina townhall meeting, a man stood up and told the congressman to keep his government hands OFF his medicare
[14:14:07] Nic: medicare is the government programme for poor people without a private health insurance
[14:15:02] Nic: Bill Maher "which is like driving across country to protest highways"
[14:15:51] Lucas: hehe, that's awesome
[14:16:31] Nic: two thirds of the americans don't know what the food and drug administration does
[14:17:13] Nic: Bill Maher: "Some of this stuff you should be able to pick up by simply being alive"
[14:19:39] Nic: people are bitching about taxes have no idea what the government is spending, the avarage voter believes that foreign aid consumes TWENTYFOUR percent of federal budget. it's actually less than 1%
[14:20:16] Nic: oh here's a good one: A third of the republicans believe that barack obama is NOT A CITIZEN
[14:21:47 | Edited 14:22:05] Nic: a third of the democrats believe that george bush had prior knowledge of the 9/11 attacks. which is an absurd sentence becasue it contains the words BUSH and KNOWLEDGE
[14:22:58] Nic: oh wow, this one just sends me over the edge
[14:25:09] Nic: the religious america: more than half of the americans don't know that Judaism is an older religion than christianity. That's right half of america looks at books called the OLD testaments and te NEW testaments and cannot figure out which one came first
[14:25:17] Nic: Bill Maher: "I rest my case"

friends forever

found at milkboys.org

Is it you inside my head?

is it wise enough to say that i'm better off without you
is it cool enough to fake cause all that i've been breathing is about you
is it wise enough to flow from my head until my toes
but somehow i don t really know all that i've been doing is without you

is it you inside my head
is it you inside who says that I become someone else

and on and on my head keeps saying this is not what i believe in
this is where it ends
and on and on my mind is made up that that is why it never stops
alone again, alone again

is it you inside my head
is it you inside who says that I become someone else

i didn't know that you re buzzing right through isnide my head
i didn't know that you re coming right through inside my head
i didn't know that you re buzzing right through no i ...
i didn't know that you re coming right through no I ...
i didn't know, i didn't know, i didn't know ...

i didn't know

is it you inside my head
is it you inside who says
is it you inside my head

So Be It

I've been given every opportunity in this life to have everything ive ever wanted,

and i still can turn love into ash.

My name is Jake, and i hate myself.

I wish for something, i get it,

i ruin it.

My name is Jake, and i hate myself.

I take until there is nothing left of what im taking,

and then i complain about it.

My name is Jake, and i hate myself.

Tomorrow is a new day.

My name is Tabula Rasa, and i dont know me yet.

VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Have you ever asked yourself what the meaning of life is?

two chocolate/chocolate chip cookies and a glas of cold wholemilk

Today I found paradise on earth.

For Jake

A 'Brilliant' Night

For the first time in a really long time I went somewhere by myself and had a good time. I went to the library and the theatre to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I was feeling depressed a few nights ago, but was cured by the amazing Jake. Thanks to him, I was inspired to go out, live my life and have fun, even though I was alone; and I did. Before I left my sister had asked me to buy something for her. Normally I would've felt obligated to do it seeing as she is my sister, but this time was all about me.
At the library, I sat with a guy who was doing a project (hoping that he was available) while I read some books on psychology. They were interesting, but I merely scratched the surface of it's past and it's theories. Ever 15 seconds or so the guy would sniffle and put his head in his hands, as if stressed. After a while I asked him if he was ok. He said "yea, man" (not "mon"). I was hoping for a "not really" to comfort him, but I guess he was just sick. The rest of the time passed and we said nothing. He left and I saw him flirting with a girl. "He's straight", I said to myself. I was used to that so I just kept on reading.
Off to the movie. I walked 40 minutes to get to the theatre when I could have taken a taxi. I figured that I would save the money and get some exercise; even jogged for about a minute. I arrive and get my ticket, then head over to the pharmacy nearby. I didn't fear talking to strangers anymore. I was up-front and confident, no stumbling on my words as I had before. The strange feeling of betrayal and mistrust was no longer dominant in me. At the pharmacy I buy an ice-cream cone (first one in months) and walk around the pharmacy waiting for the movie to start.
To the movie. I buy popcorn and a drink and head off. I was surprised to see that there were only 4 other people there, because it is usually packed. I took advantage of the opportunity and sat anywhere I wanted. Only 16 people were present during the movie and it was so much fun. I kept changing seats and wandering about. I loved it! I even said "fuck" out loud without worrying about who hears. The movie ends and I go outside to see the moon shining at me (about 80% full). It was a 'brilliant' night (to honour the movie's British words) and I'm glad I went out and enjoyed it.

I wish I had a river I could skate away on

I feel horrible right now, I 'm not sure why. I feel like everything I try will fail. I feel like crying but no tears will come. I feel alone, not lonely, alone. I feel like giving up. I feel like nothing can make me happy. I feel like clearing my head. I feel like I'm wasting my life, with nothing successful to do. I feel like I'm lost. I don't know what to do now. I feel sheltered and hidden. I feel afraid. There's no one to talk to, no one who can understand and empathize. My mind feels like mush, like I can do nothing to help it. Everything seems harder and I keep thinking that I'm worthless and obsolete. I feel like everything I try will all be stopped and my accomplishments not recognized.I am depressed. I don't know why. I know no pill can help how you feel. I am at a dead end.I want to do something, but have no idea what.
The future is going to be scary and I don't know if I'm ready for it. Am I good enough? Will I be wanted or even needed; needed to make something operate properly, to make someone happy, to save or change someone's life?
Life is so short and I don't want to die and be forgotten or have nothing accomplished. I've noticed that nothing lasts long: pain, happiness, money, nothing. I should just do whatever I want to do and get it over with and move on to the next thing before I die. Happiness is the one thing that is easiest to disappear from my life, so try not to be happy about many things, to lessen the hurt when they leave, but I can never do it. I try to keep it out of me, but it's still there. I try to make it like in the movies, when everything is going wrong and the guy is at the end of the rope, everything turns around and he lives happily ever after. I can never let go of this idea, no matter how hard I try.
Surrounded by walls and ceilings, there is little I can do. To go out into the night and see stars upon stars in the sky, I have to wonder if there are other people out there like me. I admire the natural beauty of what's been here longer than me and will be for many years. I spend hours on my roof trying to clear my head when I'm angry or depressed and sometime to get happier when I am happy, but that's rare; something always comes along and ruins my good time. I look at the moon and wonder how it stays up there, why it's there, how'd it get there, what's it made of...
The trees' simplicity make me feel overdone. The animals and insects all seem to have purpose in their lives, more purpose than me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go or how to get there.
There is no one purpose set in stone for me or anyone. The limit stops at me, at my mind. Whatever I can imagine I can do and be. I will not stay down like this and I will never give up. There's more to life than what's here now. I'm going to find happiness and it will stay, but I'll make sure to, at least, try to enjoy the journey and not focus only on the destination, because I don't know where it is. This could be my final destination. You never know when you're going to die, so make the best of your life! All we have is a lifetime to live.

Re-Recalls of a Distant Land

At Mr. Nic's request,
I will republish a BLOG from my personal site....
This was awhile ago, HOPE you enjoy as much as Nic did....



Its 230 am.....little bit too hot to be sleeping. I guess i can finally talk about the very special place in my town ive been tempting you, my faithful followers (lol) for a few blogs. I call it the waterfall, however, there is no waterfall there : P. There is a park, next to the Wisconsin river, which runs through our town. I dont know how i found it, or how long its been there, but i would guess for a very long time. I remember reading about it having a skate park (if you're into that kind of thing) built a few years ago, and if you're headed towards best buy you can see the park down the hill in the winter, when the trees are dead.
ANYWAYS
As with most parks, this one has *gasp* a parking lot, and you can park facing the water, and about 15 yards in front of you is the river. Now, this might not sound like a very unique thing at all.
WELL
I used to do ALOT of writing in said parking lot. Something about the place was special, and everyone that has been there has felt it. I thought for a long time that I was special in the feeling, but after I became less absorbed in my writing some days i would look out my windows and observe other folks behavior (one of my favorite activities). And I found, to my great suprise, that other people used this place for reasons similar to my own. When I go to the waterfall, i do alot of venting. Ive put down my greatest secrets, most beautiful and heartfelt poetry, most tormented anguishes, and sadest laments, at this park. Ive laughed here. Ive cried here. Hard. Ive ruminated for hours here. Ive learned here. People come to this park to unload their fears and to relive their lives.

Here are some of my writings from this place, my observations of other people who understand the power of the waterfall.

One woman pulls up next to me. She's very well to do. Mercedes, Prada bag, DG sunglasses bigger than her face...... The sunglasses come off. Her face is blank. Her eyes stare at the water. Tears fall. She sits there, with no emotion on her face for over an hour, crying. The sunglasses go back on. She departs.
An old woman walks down the road. Alone. No cane, or walker, she's strong for her age. She goes to the rivers edge, which is lined with great granite rocks. She stairs out over the water. Her eyes close, and she just stands. Breathing. Sometimes she smiles. Sometimes she looks hurt. Sometimes she lets out a cry of pain. She stands, eyes closed, for two hours. She turns and leaves.
A middle aged woman arrives. Toyota, not new, for some reason i think she's a secretary. She gets out of her car, and walks up to a tree. She faces the tree, about one foot from its trunk. For the next hour, she trys to touch it. Her arm extends. Her fingers tremble. But right at the last moment, right before she touches it, her hand backs away, as though the tree is on fire. Everntually, she turns and leaves.
In our town, we have a large number of mentally ill people. One of the most locally famous is known as "crazy bike guy". Bike guy rides his bike all day long, year round, all over town. He's the butt of many many jokes. He often times throws his bike into the street or river, beats it furiously, or runs away from it. He has schizophrenia. I sit in my car. Bike guy arrives on his bike. There is a bench where you can sit and look out over the water. Bike guy sits. He pulls out several slices of bread. He tears them up, and feeds the birds. I must admit, my heart did melt at this event. The longer i watched, the more sad i became. Here is a beautiful individual, with a serious mental disorder, who is the laughing stock of the entire town. He sits on the bench, alone, for 4 hours. He picks a flower near by and smells it. He sighs. I'm close to tears. No one would ever go sit next to bike guy. He's alone on his bench, and no one would ever sit next to him, or ask him how his day is. No one would ask him if he loved, or is loved. no one would ask him out to dinner, or what his favorite color is. He's just crazy bike guy to them. Bike guy stands, mounts his steed, and is off. I get out of my car, walk to the bench, and pick up the flower he smelt. I place it gently on the bench. One tear trickles down for bike guy. For his pain. For his lonelyness. For his solitude. Ride on, bike guy.
Everyday, an elderly man comes. He has a fishing pole, but he never fishes. He doesn't stay long. He stands on the granite boulders that line the banks of the river and stairs out. Sometimes he sits. Sometimes he stands. But he never puts down the pole. He usually stays for about 10min. He leaves.

That ends my writings. These people understand the power of the waterfall. Sometimes I saw them multiple times. Sometimes just once. But they all came, everyone that comes, knows why they are there. They have pain. They have unfinished business. They have happiness. They remember.

And I remember them.


The story as to why I've been there so often is for another day.




Dedicated to "crazy bike guy".

stupidity must be punished

read my convo with Duane

[...]
Nic: I on the other hand am one of his biggest fans
Nic: and his ad campaign manager now
Nic: I think you must have gotten a tweet from me too
CheekySpook: ?
Nic: did you get a tweet from gossipboy4MrT lately?
Nic: that's me
CheekySpook: no i didnt
Nic: I @replied you
CheekySpook: nope
Nic: hmm
Nic: wait
Nic: http://twitter.com/gossipboy4MrT/status/2915489590 yes I sent it to you 13 hours ago
CheekySpook: you've locked it
CheekySpook: if its locked and I'm not following, then I won't get the tweet
Nic: even when I @reply you?
CheekySpook: yeah
Nic: let me check
CheekySpook: only ppl that follow you can get @repliy
CheekySpook: its true. oh its true


Nic: fuuuuuuuuuuuck
Nic: 250 messages for nothing?
CheekySpook: lol
Nic: if I set them to unlock, will they recieve it then?
CheekySpook: try
Nic: ok
CheekySpook: prolly not cos it was 13 hours ago....im not checking back 13 hours

Nic: Your tweets are currently protected; only those you approve will receive your tweets. You will not appear on the public timeline. Tweets posted previously may still be publicly visible in some places.
Nic: fuck, no it won't send them
CheekySpook: nope not showing up

Nic: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Nic: 2 hours of work down the drain
Nic: FUCK YOU TWITTER
CheekySpook: i dont mean to be a bastard but hahahahahaha
Nic: I HATE YOU TWITTER
Nic: I HATE YOUR EXISTENCE
Nic: aaaaaaaaaaah
Nic: aaaaaaaaah
Nic: what a load of BS
Nic: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
CheekySpook: lol
Nic: like I swear to god
Nic: I
Nic: aaaaaaaaaaaaah

*** Incoming call from CheekySpook ***
CheekySpook: talk, I wanna hear how pissed you are
*** call ended. ***

(all I said was FUCK YOU and hung up)

CheekySpook: lol
Nic: my aunt was standing right next to me when I said FU
CheekySpook: lol
Nic: I just got a lecture
Nic: NIIIIIC LANGUAGE

-----------------------------

At the same time talking to Lucas:

Nic: ok see, the thing is, Lucas
Nic: I am gossipboy4MrT on twitter and I've started this huge ad campaign to get him into the top ten on twitterwall
Nic: the problem: I sent 253 tweets over the course of two days
Nic: like two hours of hard copy paste labour
Nic: and I just found out not a single person recieved it
Nic: because I had the account set on LOCKED
Nic: which means it will not show the tweets to anyone that is not following me
Nic: even if it is a direct @reply
Nic: do you understand my outrage now?
Nic: STOP LAUGHING AT ME
Lucas: bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahah!
Lucas: :D :D :D :D
Nic: where is the shoot-me-in-the-head-smiley when I need it most?
Lucas: all I can say is still bahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Nic: wait, maybe there is hope
Nic: that girl recieved it http://twitter.com/ilvorngiceblock/status/2926378781
Nic: did you recieve it too?
Lucas: nope.
Nic: head meets table
Lucas: and the lolling continues
--------------------------------------------

yeah basicly, I'M DUMB

This is the best ad campaign ever

From the movie "what women want"
Just read this and try to imagine a woman, running on an empty road.

You don't stand in front of a mirror before a run...
and wonder what the road will think of your outfit.

You don't have to listen to its jokes and pretend they're funny.
it would not be easier to run if you dressed sexier.
            
The road doesn't notice if you're not wearing lipstick.
it doesnot care how old you are.
            
You do not feel uncomfortable...
because you make more money than the road.

And you can call on the road whenever you feel like it,                
whether it's been a day...
or even a couple of hours since your last date.

The only thing the road cares about...
is that you pay it a visit once in a while.
             
Nike. No games. Just sports.
I LOVE THE ADVERTISEMENT INDUSTRY WITH MY WHOLE BEING. I LOVE IT SO MUCH.
MARRY ME YOU INVENTOR OF THAT SLOGAN. PLEASE?!

Is love forever?

Can a person fall out of love with someone?
His name is Sanjay and in the 7th grade he started following me around to try and be like me because I was good at schoolwork and he wasn't. As they say, imitation is the sincerest from of flattery, and I fell for him hook, line and sinker near the end of the 7th grade. In the eighth grade he upped the ante and went almost everywhere with me. In the third semester of grade 8 he started started to follow a new guy, the opposite of me, and all summer long I kept thinking about him. He got even worse in the ninth grade when his already low grades dropped lower and his skipped classes. I told him I liked him right to his face and he said nothing. He thought it was a joke (he's straight). From then on I treated him horribly, though I still loved him. He's a liar, cheater, pervert, idiot and asshole.
Now I am a little flutteed by his presence, but don't love him.
So yes, a person can fall out of love.

my 2 GBs.

Hey folks.
Ive been thinking about a lot of different things lately.
Here are a few.

America is not the most spectacular place in the world. As a country, truly, we are blessed with wealth and a fairly good government (it fucks up a lot, and has a lot of problems, but at least we have clean water and electricity, eh?) and personally, as an American, I am profoundly grateful to be inherently given such awesome physical factors which benefit my life.
However
Socially, we are one of the most repressed nations in the world. We have been brainwashed and battered from birth with ideals that (regretfully i say) come from the christian religion. We are more like sheep then people. We are raised to believe what we are told and not to believe what we personally think.
And it is scary, let me tell you.
For example, this past week i went to "bible camp" as a sign of good will for my father. While i was there, i got into a heated discussion with a fundamental christian about the creation story and evolution theory. Both of which he claimed were false. While we were talking, a girl came up and asked if heaven was what we wanted it to be. He answered that it was not what we wanted it to be, but it was what God had made it. And she said ok just wondering and turned around and took off.
Seriously.
She didnt even question the guy.
And he happened to be the youth leader of his church, which had 38 some odd kids in it.
This man who doesnt believe in basic, practically proven scientific theories is in charge of the philosophy and religious guidance of a group of impressionable children.
Un
be
lieve
a
ble.
DO NOT get the impression that I dont respect his opinion. In America, we have the right to believe what we want to without being persecuted, and i respect him for his opinion.
But when you start to go around and tell people that THIS HAPPENED THIS WAY and thats the only way it happened, and when those people you are telling are children, i have to get pissed. Oh and i love how religious fundamentalists walk around with signs like "america is gods country" and "iraqis are satan worshippers"... how christian is that? Seriously. Bible says Love thy neighbor. We all have to share this planet. You want people to respect you, you show them respect.
What really makes me laugh though, oh man
when christians laugh at other creation stories like they are rediculous....
I forget the religion where the world is like on a giant turtles back, but someone was talking about that story the other day and laughing because it was so absurd.
Im sorry, but a mystical being waving his hand and creating a race of cognizant people in one week is so logical and serious?
Just sad...

And then oncce these kids are all wonderfully brainwashed in the rightious causes of the Christian way, they are released unto the world to wreck their havok. Name a war. Trace it back to its origins. I can almost guarentee that it was started because of some religious issue.

And on a less large scale, lets look at the impact that this has on the rest of us "sinners" or whatever we are supposed to be.

Religion and non-hetrosexuality.

Oh man.
So these christian kids go to school right? they walk the halls and entertain one another, and fight and be kids. Dont know if this is as big of a word in other places as it is here, but one really common insult used at my school is GAY. Thats SO GAY. You're GAY. That test was so frigugking GAY. GAY GAY GAY. and we sit around and allow this word to become a negative. And people say, whats the harm in that..... Ok....Well.... Lets say you actually are gay. You like people of the same sex. And all your life, the word GAY has a connotation of being REALLY REALLY BAD.
Now
Why on earth would you want to admit to being something that has such a negative connotation?

People in our country are TERRIFIED of being a sexuality other than their own. ABSOLUTELY horror stricken at the prospect of being that feared word, GAY. So instead of being themselves, they hide. And fake. And there is nothing wrong with that, except it can TOTALLY DESTROY you on the inside.

I mean, you know how afraid people in America are?
If you are a straight male in highschool
And you have a friend who is a gay male
you are as good as done. People will simply assume you are GAY and either shun you for it or mock you for it.
And you aren't even gay. You just have a gay friend.
WTF people.
So what happens then is GAY people dont have any (male) friends. (usually)
So the closeted people see this and go "huh, look at that, if i come out, then i dont have friends anymore". So what do you think they do??
WTF people.
Seriously.

And why are GAYS evil?
Because the bible says that tho shalt not lay down with another man like you would your wife.
It doesnt even say gays are evil.

So these terrifed closeted kids walk home every evening. They want to be good little christians for their good little christian parents, so they get up every sunday and sing praises to the lord.
But on their walk home, they see a man.
A man on the side of the road holding a sign.
A sign that says
GOD HATES FAGS.

Now this kid, being a good american child and believing everything he is told, ESPECIALLY when it comes to religion and philosophy, reads this sign.
Huh.
God hates him?
The all loving, all smiling, all dancing God hates him? Billy the 13 year old? Cause he thinks he likes Mark the 12 year old?
Well now he sure as hell isnt coming out.
Fuck that
he says. God hates me i go to fucking hell, and fucking hell sucks. A lot. Cause thats what miss sunday school lady says.
She also says being gay is a sin.


So Billy goes home.
Billy goes to bed. Billy gets on the side of his bed, down on his little knees, folds his hands and what does he do?

Prays that god will make him not GAY.

He cries, because he doesnt want to go to hell, but he cant stop these feelings. Because he needs to stop them. Cause being GAY is BAD BAD BAD.


2 days later
Billys dead.

He found good 'ol pop's 6shooter (pop likes his constitutional right to own firearms) and blew his head off.
Because having to go through one more day of this life he lives
this sinful
evil
hellbound
mockworthy
fucked up
life of his.
Is worse than an eternity in christian hell.

And people ACTUALLY wonder WHY would a 13 year old do this to himself.
They wonder....
I wonder...


This the the society of America.
This the the land of the Free.
These are the people of God.
Hallelah, Praise the lord.
Amen.

Feel it grow

Finally I found that one special song that describes what I feel



When moonlight crawls along the street
Chasing away the summer heat
Footsteps outside somewhere below
The world revolves I let it go
We build our church above this street
We practice love between these sheets
The candy sweetness scent of you
It bathes my skin I'm stained by you
And all I have to do is hold you
There's a racing in my heart
I am barely touching you

Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable

The moonlight plays upon your skin
A kiss that lingers takes me in
I fall asleep inside of you
There are no words
There's only truth
Breathe in Breathe out
There is no sound
We move together up and down
We levitate our bodies soar
Our feet don't even touch the floor
And nobody knows you like I do
Ther's a world that don't understand
That I grow stronger in your hands

We never sleep we're always holdin' hands
Kissin' for hours talkin' makin' plans
I feel like a better man
Just being in the same room
We never sleep there's just so much to do
Too much to say
Can't close my eyes when I'm with you
Insatiable the way I'm loving you

You spoke to me

Now it seems to me - That you know just what to say
But words are only words - Can you show me something else
Can you swear to me - that you'll always be this way
Show me how you feel - More than ever baby

I don't wanna be lonely no more - I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door - Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more - You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure - I don't want to be lonely anymore

Now its hard for me with my heart still on the mend - Open up to me, like you do your girlfriends
And you sing to me and it's harmony - Girl, what you do to me is everything
Make me say anything; just to get you back again - Why can't we just try

What if I was good to you, what if you were good to me
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me
What if it was paradise, what if we were symphonies
What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you

Rain

Raining

Look outside cause its raining.
The droplets are prismatic, flowing, beautiful. But
somethings wrong. Because all you can do is look. You cant experience.
You have to stay inside because the rain will only hurt you.
you want to get wet, you know it will feel good. On your
skin. You want it. You love it. But the rain has something better.
It doesnt need you. you're average. It has the sun.
The clouds.
The universe.
And you admit. They are beautiful. And they are
Deep.
And you love those things too.
Alot.
But you love the rain.
The gently falling
beautiful
perfect
rain.
And you hope
that someday.
The rain will take you.

Love.

Me, myself, and two other guys

Hey whats going on, my names Jake, I'm a pretty good friend of nic and domi, so they were very cool and invited me to join this blog :D love you guys......

Just a bit about me, im tall, thin, and cool....live in the usa, frosty state of WI. I like people, music, friends (especially germans) , swimming, writing, philosophizing, and you :).
If you want EVEN MORE you can check out my single blog, see you at the lights....few posts there.....

So I really like to tell stories about things that happen to me. Yesterday was an event in our town called chalkfest. Its this really cool thing where all the local artists come together at the town square (well downtown park thing) and make chalk drawings...this is also a time of year for sales to happen at the local stores.......
anyways

Being an art enthusist, i went to check this stuff out, and it was pretty damn cool (yo). there was everything from wonderwoman to Gothic Americans to abstract wavvvvvvves etc....
So i looked at all this neato stuff for a bit, and once i was satisfied i went to a near by restaurant and decided to have a nice, imported lemonade (was a hot day). For some reason i felt like wearing plaid flannel, jeans, and boots that day.....i musta been nutz or something....looked good tho :D

After my drink i went on a walk, just around town. Then i people watched for a bit, and this happened to me.
Heres what i wrote in my journal:

I find a bench. Its wood; hard. I look across the street. Its a sporting goods shop, famous for its winter apperal, boards, skis, etc.... They have a tent sale today, jackets and stuff 50% off, come buy us, please, PLEASE!!
But what has my attention is the guy sitting in the bench infront of the store. Hes about my age, wearing shorts, basketball shoes, and a solid polo. shorter hair, brown. Good shape..



It's not his looks that really draw my attention, it's his expression.
He is so unbelieveably sad. His large brown eyes glistened with misery, his head hung a bit, his body is lose. He looks like he'd just given up on living.

I feet for him; his sadness, his lonelyness, his desolace.

Every time a couple walked by, especially if they were holding hands, especially if they were around our age, he would let out a small sigh, but large enough so that i could see his chest rise and fall.
He repositions himself so that he can balance his head in his palms, which have come together to form a Y; a cradle for his head....
Wheather i actually see it or not, it seems like tears are falling from his face...

I cant take it anymore, i have to go.

Hour Later
I sat down next to him. At first he didnt do anything, he remained motionless, with his head in his hands.
Eventually though, he looked up at me. I offered a smile, and removed my sunglasses. He smiled back, weakly.
I asked him for his name. He said Brad. I asked what was wrong brad? He said that he'd just been dumped, and started crying again. It wasnt a noisy cry, it was just a quiet, body jerking, series of small exhales. Up close he was very attractive. Straight teeth, clear complexion, strong tan, and a pretty good nose, only broken once, and his surgeon had done a great job with it.

We sat for a bit, in silence. I asked if he had been in love. He said he still was.

Silence.

He asks if i know what hes going through. I say yes.

Silence.

He asks if it will get easier. I answer with time.

Silence.

We just sit on the bench together, for an hour.

His head is still hung. I schooch over closer to him, and put a comforting hand on his back, a sign ive always interprited as kind and caring.

At first he doesnt do anything, but then he leaps up.

"What the fuck are you doing? Are you some kind of FUCKING FAG or something??"

Then he walks off.
I sit alone on the bench. I sip my lemonade. I sigh, and I hang my head.
The cycle continues.

End Entry.

Alot of the time, i like to end my entries with a poem. Most of the time, i write it. So ill end with this one:

The
Mutt.

He walks the streets
of the city. Scrounging for food. He
starves. Sometimes people give him a bite, but
what he really wants is
attention. Sometimes people pet him, but
thevastmajorityofthem99%ormorekeepwalkingtheyhurrypast.
Someone stops though.
Just one person stops.
And his life
their lives
the world
is changed.


Love.

making my internet penis grow

I hadn't installed a counter in the first few months when I first started this blog. But there are still a little above 3.800 unique visitors (not hits) counted since January 2009. And I have to say: really impressive. At least for me.
I have decided to get support on my blog which I will address as OUR blog in the future.

Everyone, please meet Dominik and Jake. You already know a lot about Dominik. in short: he is my everything.
Now meet Jake. He is a very lovely person with a lot of heart and he fits into this blog perfectly.
The Germans have a saying for this: "like a fist on the eye".

I will not say much about him, because I want him to introduce himself in the next blogpost.
So guys please give them a warm welcome. I'm sure you'll be as kind and loving to them as you have been to me in the past.

he's gonna make his post within the next 24 hours.

so yeah, uh... say hi, guys.

Pieces of you

"getting it off my chest" - these words never fit better
Thank you, Mrs. Morisette.



Reborn and shivering - Spat out on new terrain
Unsure unconvincing - This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again - Step one step one I'm barely making sense
for now I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I and not as we

Gun shy and quivering - Timid without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent - little and hardly here

Day one day one start over again - Step one step one with not much making sense
just yet I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I and not as we

Eyes wet toward wide open frayed
If God's taking bets I pray He wants to lose

Day one day one start over again - Step one step one I'm barely making sense
just yet I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I and not as we



I miss your smell and your style - And your pure abiding way
Miss your approach to life - And your body in my bed
Miss your take on anything - And the music you would play
Miss cracking up and wrestling - Our debriefs at end of day

These are the things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
And I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this

I miss your neck and your gait - And your sharing what you write
Miss you walking through the front door - Documentaries in your hand
Miss traveling our traveling - And your fun and charming friends
Miss our Big Sur getaways - And you watch you love my dogs

These are the things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
And I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this

One step one prayer
I soldier on
Stimulating moving on

I miss your warmth and the thought -Of us bringing up our kids
And the part of you that was with your stick-tied handkerchief

These are the things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
And I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this