no one else to blame

You got me caught in all this mess
I guess we can blame it on the rain
My pain is knowing i can't have you, i can't have you

Tell me does she look at you the way i do?
Try to understand the words you say and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush, when you go in for a hug
and your cheeks brush?

Tell me, am i crazy, am i crazy?

I catch my breath, the one you took
the moment you entered the room
My heart, it breaks, at the thought of her
holding you

Does she look at you the way i do?
Try to understand the words you say and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush, when you go in for a hug
and your cheeks brush?

Tell me am i crazy, or is this more than a crush?

Maybe i'm alone in this
but i find this peace is solitude knowing if i had but just one kiss
This whole room would be glowing,
we'd be glowin, we'd be glowin

[ Does she look at you the way i do?
Try to understand the words you say and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush, when you go in for a hug
and your cheeks brush?

Tell me am i crazy, or is this more than a crush? (x2) ]

Ice Sculpture

Who remembers when they were younger and really believed in love. I know this may
somewhat start fires, but I want to address it. I remember very clearly when I was
younger and would watch romantic movies. I would get butterflies when the two shy
lovers met and kissed. After trials and failure they would find each other and they
would "live happily ever after." I actually thought that that would happen in life. I
put all my hopes into someone I thought could have made my life a romance movie.
Instead I felt like a banana tree that was raided of its produce every day. I got
little appreciation from the monkey and I felt powerless to stop him because I wanted
to help. Now this monkey was never loved by his mother, so I thought if I gave the
monkey enough bananas and whatever else he wanted he would be happy and actually stay with the tree. Now I am a bare tree that fed a monkey that was never happy.

I'm gonna leave the monkey metaphor for now.
I loved a boy, he loved me. He fell out of love with me, I still loved him. He used
me for his own purposes to get what he wanted and left me destitute. I believed in
love and its ability to conquer all things. He was a smoker, I stopped him; a
drinker, he scared himself; pessimistic, I made him believe in himself more. The
thanks I get for that is a reluctant kiss after months of knowing him. He has given
girls kisses and sex. He has even had sex with a girl he knew for less than a week!
That really pissed me off! It made me feel like I was working hard to get what any
girl could get free!My love was not enough to make him love me the same way. With
him, I know love does not exist. It's so surprising how I found myself fighting to
"win". It was more a battle for power than a relationship. I became cold, as if my
heart were frozen and all that was in my mind was winning. I lost myself because of
him.

I surrender!

He is not worth my time or my love. I don't want to lose myself because someone else
could not love me. I completely refuse to!

To everyone out there fighting to keep love and to win, just let it go for losing
yourself is not worth winning some personal love battle. I lay my story to rest and
soon my head. This day, and you are, are thanked for. Thank you for "listening" to
me. It means a lot to speak what's on my mind!

Valentine's Day Confusion

In case you don't know yet, I've broken up with Dominik. I wish I could say it was mutual, but it wasn't. I love him a lot but some things won't ever change and they are the main reason why I thought it is a good thing to end the romantic relationship with him.

As it turns out it is quite hard to go back being best friends. It's awkward talking in here about it because I know he is reading. Actually both are reading this.

Both? yes... there is another guy. And no, he is not the reason why Domi and I are over... I mean... are we over? I think we will never be over... it doesn't seem like it.

After the break up Domi and I had a lot of conversations. One night his mom called my mom and asked her if she knew what was going on because Domi didn't go to school that day and had cried all day long and didn't come out of his room. At that time neither of our parents knew about the breakup. So my mom told her no and that she is gonna ask me if I knew anything.
Of course I called him right after she told me. He was very sad and at that point I could see that he had stopped putting up a strong front and he was begging for us to get back together.
I started crying too because it tore up my heart to hear him cry and be so vulnerable.
I cursed myself for inflicting such a pain on a person I love with my whole being.

But eventually we calmed down and we started talking and I told him that the situation won't ever change. That getting back together is not solving anything but only postponing things. He started to understand. And at least for that night we parted knowing we're both ok with this.

that has been a month ago

since then I have seeked the comfort of a lot of friends. online and offline.
one of these offline friends is Oliver.
Oliver and I have history. He and I used to hang out a lot 3 years ago and he always wanted to be boyfriends and at that time I thought the idea of being in love ridiculous and something girls do.
I know, stupid... I was 15, ok? Joseph... need I say more?

Then I met Adam, then Domi and I became boyfriends and Oliver was angry at me but eventually we fixed it and stayed friends since then.
So yeah, that's the background story on Oliver.

wow, I wanted to tell you about my Valentine's Day and drifted off. But I guess you need to know all this to understand the whole thing. Or maybe I just needed to get it off my chest.

After our breakup Domi made me promise to spend Valentine's Day together. So that was settled. As you know Vday was on Monday. The Saturday before my friend Oliver spent the night and we had a lot of fun and I showed him twitter and my tumblr and my blog.
After he read a few of my posts especially the one where Adam took me out for dinner he said he wants to do that with me too. And he said it should be on Vday.
I told him that I had promised Domi to spend Vday with him, so after thinking about it for a while he said that we could have a Vday lunch.

So um yeah... that's how I ended up having two Valentine's Day dates.
But, before you roll your eyes and say "lucky bastard, some of us don't even have one" (actually a few of you on twitter told me that :p), yeah before you say that, both dates were not the typical romantic dates. At least that's what I told myself the whole time.

.... moving forward to Monday (Vday)

So Oliver picked me up right after school and we went to this steak house called MAREDO (somewhere I couldn't go with Domi cos he is vegetarian).
Since he was buying I decided to go for the lunchtime menue which was a nice steak with a cream sauce and fresh pepper. I mean fresh pepper as in the pepper fruit... not grounded... do you understand? It was delicious and not hot at all.

ugh... seriously, I can't do this. this feels dumb. I can't really tell much about it... as I said, no romance involved, not on my part. I am not over Domi and I have told him and he knew.
We had a nice time, we ate, we had a coke, we had dessert and we got up and left.
After that we decided to walk home instead of taking the subway. So we had a long walk and we talked and talked. At first about nothing important but it ended in him hugging me and saying: "I know it's hard. You still love him. You need time"
I leave the rest to your imagination.

Back home, I shortly went on twitter and nobody was there, literally nobody there to talk to. Can you imagine that? ugh.
Anyway, I got changed and I was really nervous about my date with Domi.

it was beautiful: nice Italian restaurant, very romantic, candle light. dimmed lights, nice ambient music, great food. like, GREAT food. and Domi.

and Domi

and Domi

and Domi

I love you so much Domi







the look in his face. his smile... I reached over and wiped his hair off his face. he held my hand. I pulled away
I just did it because I was scared. It is over, right? It is... we both agreed on this.

after dinner we went to his house and he asked me in. We went to his basement and we watched a Disney movie together. we made popcorn and watched the movie. When they kissed on the screen he reached over and held my hand. I was torn... how could I keep on being the monster that I had been the weeks before and deny him the one thing that he wants from me. my love.
he leaned over and we kissed... I
I couldn't hold back the tears. this is so hard on both of us.

I got up, thanked him... gave him a tight hug and walked home.

this is why I hesitated to write this post. it's because things are not clear and I don't know what is going on. we're both trying... but what are we trying? are we trying to work on this breakup and stay best friends or are we trying to overcome this and stay boyfriends.

all I know is I will love him for eternity.

No matter what I do... I will be a monster to either him or Oliver in the end. Or maybe... maybe for once I don't have to act and I can just react to their decisions...

personal

music is what keeps me going lately.
if you care, listen. the lyrics speak from my heart.



melancholy, sadness and the realization that it's impossible to go back to be best friends. today we hugged tightly for a long time. When we stopped I looked at his teary eyes. he kissed my cheek. I love him. It hurts so much.

He's Out Of My Hands

He's out of my life
He's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
He's out of my life
It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
To think for two years he was here
And I took him for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
He's out of my hands

So I've learned that love's not possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late

And he's out of my life
He's out of my life
Damned indecisions and cursed pride
I kept my love for him locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
He's out of my life

When I was your age...

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a Straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But...

Now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet - we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves! There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and f@#* it all up!

You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11!
Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony PlayStation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you and you couldn't see you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing you had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning... d'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!

We didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove...imagine that! If we wanted popcorn we had to use that stupid jiffy pop and shake it over the stove like an idiot forever.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled; you guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Hello from the Past

So you might be wondering, hey, Jake, where have you been? Well, I've been at college. This is a final presentation I made for one of my classes. It should be pretty enlightening as far as learning about me these days goes...