I understand...

...do you understand it too? I'm thinking of you again. Please, watch over me and guide me. I need you... Hope there's someone Who'll take care of me When I die, will I go Hope there's someone Who'll set my heart free Nice to hold when I'm tired There's a ghost on the horizon When I go to bed How can I fall asleep at night How will I rest my head Oh I'm scared of the middle place Between light and nowhere I don't want to be the one Left in there, left in there There's a man on the horizon Wish that I'd go to bed If I fall to his feet tonight Will allow rest my head So here's hoping I will not drown Or paralyze in light And godsend I don't want to go To the seal's watershed Hope there's someone Who'll take care of me When I die, Will I go Hope there's someone Who'll set my heart free Nice to hold when I'm tired

Hei Nicky

why don't you call back?

Happy Birthday Nicky

What's the time? Seems its already morning
I see the sky, its so beautiful and blue
The TV's on but the only thing showing is a picture of you

I get up and make myself some coffee
I try to read a bit but the story's too thin
I thank the Lord above that you're not there to see me
In this shape I'm in

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you think of me too
I'm spending my time

I try to call but I don't know what to tell you
I leave a kiss on your answering machine
Oh, help me please
Is there someone who can make me
Wake up from this dream?

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you are missing me too

I'm spending my time
Watching the sun go down
I fall asleep to the sound
Of "tears of a clown"
A prayer gone blind

I'm spending my time

My friends keep telling me:
Hey, life will go on
Time will make sure I'll get over you
This silly game of love you play you win only to lose

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you are missing me too


Happy Birthday Nicky

I love a boy named...

I love a boy named Jesse
But Jesse doesn't love me back
He says he has a girl in Chelsea he wants so much

I love a boy named Jesse
But Jesse doesn't love me back
He says he's insecure about what he feels and what he wants

What he feels and what he wants...

But every time he smiles at me
I know we are the same
And that he'll change his world for me
If he just knew my name

There's no need for you to say you saw the life they chose for me
For me...

I love a boy named Jesse
But Jesse doesn't love me back
He wants to kiss and go to bed but he doesn't want to talk
I love a boy named Jesse
But Jesse doesn't love me back

He says he's straight and all that stuff is only in my mind
Only in my mind...

All I can hide
I'm doing fine

But every time he smiles at me i know we are the same
And that'll he'll he change his world for me
If he just knew my name

There's no need for you to say you saw the life they chose for me
For me...

I love a boy named Danny
But Danny doesn't love me back
He says he has a girl in Chelsea he wants so much

I love a boy named Danny
But Danny doesn't love me back
He says he's insecure about what he feels and what he wants

What he feels and what he wants... 

maybe I'm a monster

in moments like this, when I can't stop thinking about what could have been... when I ponder about the many many what ifs... I can't help but search for the problem in me.

Last time I wrote in here it was February... February the 14th... Valentine's Day. And although Domi and I had  broken up we still agreed on spending Valentine's day together... as best friends... maybe as former lovers. The word former is wrong because I never stopped loving him. He never stopped loving me. Up to a couple of weeks ago...

I fucked it up. I fucked it up big time. We were trying to work it out, to stay friends... he was my best friend.
So naturally I didn't make a cut that other ex couples do when they part. My feelings towards him never changed. We only broke up because it was the right thing to do.

Some called it altruistic. Some called it stupid. But I didn't care what they thought. It's my life and I have to do what I think is the right thing for me. And I have to face the consequences.

And face the consequences I have.

Domi and I stayed friends, talked, spent time with each other, even played in the same basketball team again. We were just LIKE a couple but without the kissing and holding hands. Same jokes, same hugs, same laughs. So prom was coming closer and closer... and I was hoping he would ask a girl to go with him. I know for a fact  that girls have asked him because at least two came to me and asked me if it would be ok with me if they ask him out.

I was very happy and I encouraged them to do so. But he said no... and I... I was trying to get over him. So I fell back on Oliver... Oliver... the person I probably hurt most in my life.
Oliver tried many times to start a relationship with me... he did before Adam, he did before Domi... he did while I was with Domi and he did after Domi... I have been completely honest with him all the time. I told him I wasn't ready. That I was still in love with Dominik and that he was too important as a friend to use him as my rebound guy.

Oli and I spent some very nice times together where I genuinely tried to forget about Domi and give a new relationship a chance. I introduced him on twitter... I got him involved... And my friends accepted him and welcomed him. I even won a bet... he didn't believe I had gay friends on twitter because I have no gay friends in (for the lack of a better word) "real life". So I tweeted that if I get 15 @mentions with "Nic is a hippo" I would win a bet with Oli and win a kiss :)... what can I say... thank you twitter friends :)

So yeah... Oliver... he introduced me to some of his gay friends and I had a few new experiences. And it was awesome... the time with him was awesome. So of course he was hoping for us to be boyfriends. And of course he was expecting me to take him to prom.

But that did not happen, because I did not want to hurt Domi. I swore to myself to move on AFTER he has moved on.

So the night before prom had arrived and neither Domi nor I had a date for the following night. I was ok with it that I "just (would) go with friends". Then, around 9pm he texted me and asked in German: "Lieber Niclas, würdest du mir die Ehre erweisen und mich zum Abschlussball begleiten?" (Dear Niclas, would you do me the honor and go to prom with me?)

At that time I was talking to a friend. I told him that. And he was the voice of reason. He said if I really want to work on our friendship and really want to put an end to the relationship I should say no and not give him false hope by going with him.

He was absolutely right. So I did. I called him and I said no. And that probably was too much for Domi to take. Because he did not end the relationship... he never moved on though he had many many opportunities... and he never believed it was over. But I guess that made it final. Because prom is important. Prom is something you will remember for the rest of your life. And I would not say no to him on that event if I didn't really mean it.

I FUCKED IT UP...

He started crying and yelling at me... he hung up.
I knew it was wrong to tell him that over the phone. But the damage was done. So I walked to his house. He pushed me away, he threw me out and shut the door on me. He yelled at me to not talk to him at prom or he would yell at me in front of everybody. He said he never wanted to see me again.
Nothing helped... I spent a while on the steps of his house... I tried to yell up to his room. I begged to talk to him. when I called him he hung up... then he turned off his cell.

After a while I went home and talked a bit to my friend... still thinking I did the right thing but in the worst way ever.

In the following weeks he refused to talk to me. When I directly approached him he said I should FUCK OFF. He meant it. He didn't want to see me.

About two weeks ago we were invited to a mutual friend's birthday party. Thomas tried his best to be friends with both of us and treat us equally. After the party we decided to go clubbing with all the guests. And I volunteered to be one of the drivers for the night. I wasn't feeling like partying because Domi was very cold to me the whole time. When I sat next to him he got up and moved away.

But what tortured me most that night was when I came back to where we were sitting from getting drinks with a friend. I saw Domi kissing a girl... I was hoping it would happen but seeing it with my own eyes. The person I love being with a girl. Kissing her. holding her. And he noticed... looked up to me... smiled and went back to making out.

As if he wanted to say: "IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?"

For about two weeks I am depressed and sad. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I feel worse. But in general I feel pain. As a friend pointed out to me, Domi would have been the one I would turn to to discuss all my problems. But he is gone... my best friend is gone. I have nobody (of Domi's kind of importance) to talk to. My mom and sister have picked up on this. My sister is too nice to me. She takes me out. She took me out to one of her friend's birthday party... where I ... I lost it... nobody knew me there... so I took advantage... I drank two glasses of whiskey cola... and danced shirtless on the floor. THAT IS NOT ME.
THAT is pure desperation...

This blog entry is pure desperation... I am trying to write this off my chest. I don't feel like it is remotely off my mind. I constantly think of him... think of all the good times we had together.

I've lost a boyfriend... I have lost my best friend... I have lost my hope.

---------

Now I want to come back to my first sentence.  I can't help but search for the problem in me. What if I haven't been altruistic at all.. what if I subconsciously wanted out of the relationship to try new things... to explore the gay world... to fuck around.
After all this, I feel like a piece of shit... for throwing away something as wonderful as what he and I had.

I'm scum. And I shouldn't even cry... because it IS MY OWN FAULT.

I did this, but I never wanted this. When will I be able to move on?

Tingles with Barbie

Lately I've been watching a lot of Smallville and Barbie movies. I know that some people would say that Barbie is for young girls who can't grow up, but that would be because of what others have told them. When a situation or some words said get sentimental for me my body tingles. I know know why, but it's a good tingle. That tingle brings with it a feeling of truth. I feel that that piece of information is important to my being and will have some positive impact on me, so I make time to pay attention.

Those two shows have really been inspiring me to be myself and telling me that I am special. From about 8 Barbie movies so far, I've learnt that we are who we are for a reason. That reson is not going to change. We may not be able to make absolute sense of it now, but I'm sure some day we will.

I know that I'm not awkward in situations just because the world gets a twisted laugh at seeing me get nervous and fail. I'm awkward because I was born that way and I can accept that. The sooner I accept my faults the sooner I realize that they're my greatest assets. They set me apart from every other creature on this planet. There is no other awkward, black, young, gay, 17 year old Jamaican boy like me. There is not other like you.

Smallville = superpowers. I love the idea of having superpowers and doing things beyond human boundaries. I like the discharge of energy from my hand and the moving of objects by thought. So much so that I actually do those things in hope to get some effect (Some kid right). I'm proud to be a kid who still believes in the unexplained and the out-of-the-ordinary. I am proud to be who I am and to do what I do. By watching Smallvile I have realised that not only people with powers can be called heroes and change the world. Any human can, the bad thing is that it can be changed for the worse. We all have the choice to make the changes we make good or bad.

I believe that there are defining moments in someone's life where everything changes from one point on and causes a world of changes. That one second where someone decides that "this is the path I want to take". From then on there is no turning back or do over. The other options have been eliminated completely by that one choice. That one choice could mean a better future for those who were lost. I choose to look on the brighter side of these moments.

Although I'm not sure what I want to do with my life for now, I know I won't jepordize the future by smoking, robbing anywhere of committing any other crimes. I know somthing good is out there waiting for me to do. There are people I will help in the future and I look forward to meeting them and helping them however I can.

Remember the Monkey?

A long and interesting drama free time passed when the monkey returned. This time actually trying to solve a problem it had. He asked me why I was being so mean to him lately. I forget my answer (and that's good that I'm forgetting things to do with him). Then he said "So it's all about you huh?". That got me really angry seeing how unconcerned he was of how I felt and what I ever did for him. I wanted to just say "Fuck off" and just turn off my phone, but I let him feel guilty of his indiffernce. Then he started talking to me like we were friends again. Not that I don't forgive him for his soulessness, but I refuse to occupy myself with him in any form. Luckily he sense the cold shoulder and stopped.

A few weeks later he reminded me that I had made a promise to help him with exams earlier, and I went. My intention was to be so preoccupied helping other that I couldn't help him much, but that failed. While he was reading, he told me he was horny and kept looking at me (realiously?). I just pretended that I didn't hear, because I was really not stupid enough to fall for that.

When another friend of mine David, came, I was so relieved. My attention was all on him (not just because I liked him). David had an exam the next day and I was free to help. The monkey left, then David left. Happy days were in sight once more.

The following Tuesday (last week Tuesday) I was at school talking to Jason (Jason's my 'neutral' friend who irritates me sometimes). Then we walked over to where he and some other friends were. Without looking at him I said "Mornin'", my usual phrase for morning greetings. He said hi. To help with schoolwork!

A few minutes afterwards Jason asks me where my phone was. Since I rarely receive any calls or texts I had it in my bag. He told me to check it. He sent me a message. The message that the monkey still liked me, but it came from Jason, apparently they were texting and he was afraid to text me directly.

I let out a raucous laugh like a pirate, I thought it was a joke. The monkey then asked me why with a smile on his face. I answered, but it wasn't what he wanted to hear. Then Jason sends "Seriously he does. You?" I said no.

All of this was happening amongst our straight homophobic guy friends (I attend an all boy's school). Then Jason calls me aside and says that the monkey wants to hear me say the words to him from my mouth. At that point I was surprised. I was thinking, "Why can't he just give up? He would've given up if it were any girl. Why do I have to bother with this?" I haven't heard from him since that day not have I seen him. I hope it stays that way and that he leaves me in peace.