Lately I've been watching a lot of Smallville and Barbie movies. I know that some people would say that Barbie is for young girls who can't grow up, but that would be because of what others have told them. When a situation or some words said get sentimental for me my body tingles. I know know why, but it's a good tingle. That tingle brings with it a feeling of truth. I feel that that piece of information is important to my being and will have some positive impact on me, so I make time to pay attention.
Those two shows have really been inspiring me to be myself and telling me that I am special. From about 8 Barbie movies so far, I've learnt that we are who we are for a reason. That reson is not going to change. We may not be able to make absolute sense of it now, but I'm sure some day we will.
I know that I'm not awkward in situations just because the world gets a twisted laugh at seeing me get nervous and fail. I'm awkward because I was born that way and I can accept that. The sooner I accept my faults the sooner I realize that they're my greatest assets. They set me apart from every other creature on this planet. There is no other awkward, black, young, gay, 17 year old Jamaican boy like me. There is not other like you.
Smallville = superpowers. I love the idea of having superpowers and doing things beyond human boundaries. I like the discharge of energy from my hand and the moving of objects by thought. So much so that I actually do those things in hope to get some effect (Some kid right). I'm proud to be a kid who still believes in the unexplained and the out-of-the-ordinary. I am proud to be who I am and to do what I do. By watching Smallvile I have realised that not only people with powers can be called heroes and change the world. Any human can, the bad thing is that it can be changed for the worse. We all have the choice to make the changes we make good or bad.
I believe that there are defining moments in someone's life where everything changes from one point on and causes a world of changes. That one second where someone decides that "this is the path I want to take". From then on there is no turning back or do over. The other options have been eliminated completely by that one choice. That one choice could mean a better future for those who were lost. I choose to look on the brighter side of these moments.
Although I'm not sure what I want to do with my life for now, I know I won't jepordize the future by smoking, robbing anywhere of committing any other crimes. I know somthing good is out there waiting for me to do. There are people I will help in the future and I look forward to meeting them and helping them however I can.
Jun 9, 2011
May 18, 2011
Remember the Monkey?
A long and interesting drama free time passed when the monkey returned. This time actually trying to solve a problem it had. He asked me why I was being so mean to him lately. I forget my answer (and that's good that I'm forgetting things to do with him). Then he said "So it's all about you huh?". That got me really angry seeing how unconcerned he was of how I felt and what I ever did for him. I wanted to just say "Fuck off" and just turn off my phone, but I let him feel guilty of his indiffernce. Then he started talking to me like we were friends again. Not that I don't forgive him for his soulessness, but I refuse to occupy myself with him in any form. Luckily he sense the cold shoulder and stopped.
A few weeks later he reminded me that I had made a promise to help him with exams earlier, and I went. My intention was to be so preoccupied helping other that I couldn't help him much, but that failed. While he was reading, he told me he was horny and kept looking at me (realiously?). I just pretended that I didn't hear, because I was really not stupid enough to fall for that.
When another friend of mine David, came, I was so relieved. My attention was all on him (not just because I liked him). David had an exam the next day and I was free to help. The monkey left, then David left. Happy days were in sight once more.
The following Tuesday (last week Tuesday) I was at school talking to Jason (Jason's my 'neutral' friend who irritates me sometimes). Then we walked over to where he and some other friends were. Without looking at him I said "Mornin'", my usual phrase for morning greetings. He said hi. To help with schoolwork!
A few minutes afterwards Jason asks me where my phone was. Since I rarely receive any calls or texts I had it in my bag. He told me to check it. He sent me a message. The message that the monkey still liked me, but it came from Jason, apparently they were texting and he was afraid to text me directly.
I let out a raucous laugh like a pirate, I thought it was a joke. The monkey then asked me why with a smile on his face. I answered, but it wasn't what he wanted to hear. Then Jason sends "Seriously he does. You?" I said no.
All of this was happening amongst our straight homophobic guy friends (I attend an all boy's school). Then Jason calls me aside and says that the monkey wants to hear me say the words to him from my mouth. At that point I was surprised. I was thinking, "Why can't he just give up? He would've given up if it were any girl. Why do I have to bother with this?" I haven't heard from him since that day not have I seen him. I hope it stays that way and that he leaves me in peace.
A few weeks later he reminded me that I had made a promise to help him with exams earlier, and I went. My intention was to be so preoccupied helping other that I couldn't help him much, but that failed. While he was reading, he told me he was horny and kept looking at me (realiously?). I just pretended that I didn't hear, because I was really not stupid enough to fall for that.
When another friend of mine David, came, I was so relieved. My attention was all on him (not just because I liked him). David had an exam the next day and I was free to help. The monkey left, then David left. Happy days were in sight once more.
The following Tuesday (last week Tuesday) I was at school talking to Jason (Jason's my 'neutral' friend who irritates me sometimes). Then we walked over to where he and some other friends were. Without looking at him I said "Mornin'", my usual phrase for morning greetings. He said hi. To help with schoolwork!
A few minutes afterwards Jason asks me where my phone was. Since I rarely receive any calls or texts I had it in my bag. He told me to check it. He sent me a message. The message that the monkey still liked me, but it came from Jason, apparently they were texting and he was afraid to text me directly.
I let out a raucous laugh like a pirate, I thought it was a joke. The monkey then asked me why with a smile on his face. I answered, but it wasn't what he wanted to hear. Then Jason sends "Seriously he does. You?" I said no.
All of this was happening amongst our straight homophobic guy friends (I attend an all boy's school). Then Jason calls me aside and says that the monkey wants to hear me say the words to him from my mouth. At that point I was surprised. I was thinking, "Why can't he just give up? He would've given up if it were any girl. Why do I have to bother with this?" I haven't heard from him since that day not have I seen him. I hope it stays that way and that he leaves me in peace.
Apr 28, 2011
no one else to blame
You got me caught in all this mess
I guess we can blame it on the rain
My pain is knowing i can't have you, i can't have you
Tell me does she look at you the way i do?
Try to understand the words you say and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush, when you go in for a hug
and your cheeks brush?
Tell me, am i crazy, am i crazy?
I catch my breath, the one you took
the moment you entered the room
My heart, it breaks, at the thought of her
holding you
Does she look at you the way i do?
Try to understand the words you say and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush, when you go in for a hug
and your cheeks brush?
Tell me am i crazy, or is this more than a crush?
Maybe i'm alone in this
but i find this peace is solitude knowing if i had but just one kiss
This whole room would be glowing,
we'd be glowin, we'd be glowin
[ Does she look at you the way i do?
Try to understand the words you say and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush, when you go in for a hug
and your cheeks brush?
Tell me am i crazy, or is this more than a crush? (x2) ]
Mar 16, 2011
Ice Sculpture
Who remembers when they were younger and really believed in love. I know this may
somewhat start fires, but I want to address it. I remember very clearly when I was
younger and would watch romantic movies. I would get butterflies when the two shy
lovers met and kissed. After trials and failure they would find each other and they
would "live happily ever after." I actually thought that that would happen in life. I
put all my hopes into someone I thought could have made my life a romance movie.
Instead I felt like a banana tree that was raided of its produce every day. I got
little appreciation from the monkey and I felt powerless to stop him because I wanted
to help. Now this monkey was never loved by his mother, so I thought if I gave the
monkey enough bananas and whatever else he wanted he would be happy and actually stay with the tree. Now I am a bare tree that fed a monkey that was never happy.
I'm gonna leave the monkey metaphor for now.
I loved a boy, he loved me. He fell out of love with me, I still loved him. He used
me for his own purposes to get what he wanted and left me destitute. I believed in
love and its ability to conquer all things. He was a smoker, I stopped him; a
drinker, he scared himself; pessimistic, I made him believe in himself more. The
thanks I get for that is a reluctant kiss after months of knowing him. He has given
girls kisses and sex. He has even had sex with a girl he knew for less than a week!
That really pissed me off! It made me feel like I was working hard to get what any
girl could get free!My love was not enough to make him love me the same way. With
him, I know love does not exist. It's so surprising how I found myself fighting to
"win". It was more a battle for power than a relationship. I became cold, as if my
heart were frozen and all that was in my mind was winning. I lost myself because of
him.
I surrender!
He is not worth my time or my love. I don't want to lose myself because someone else
could not love me. I completely refuse to!
To everyone out there fighting to keep love and to win, just let it go for losing
yourself is not worth winning some personal love battle. I lay my story to rest and
soon my head. This day, and you are, are thanked for. Thank you for "listening" to
me. It means a lot to speak what's on my mind!
somewhat start fires, but I want to address it. I remember very clearly when I was
younger and would watch romantic movies. I would get butterflies when the two shy
lovers met and kissed. After trials and failure they would find each other and they
would "live happily ever after." I actually thought that that would happen in life. I
put all my hopes into someone I thought could have made my life a romance movie.
Instead I felt like a banana tree that was raided of its produce every day. I got
little appreciation from the monkey and I felt powerless to stop him because I wanted
to help. Now this monkey was never loved by his mother, so I thought if I gave the
monkey enough bananas and whatever else he wanted he would be happy and actually stay with the tree. Now I am a bare tree that fed a monkey that was never happy.
I'm gonna leave the monkey metaphor for now.
I loved a boy, he loved me. He fell out of love with me, I still loved him. He used
me for his own purposes to get what he wanted and left me destitute. I believed in
love and its ability to conquer all things. He was a smoker, I stopped him; a
drinker, he scared himself; pessimistic, I made him believe in himself more. The
thanks I get for that is a reluctant kiss after months of knowing him. He has given
girls kisses and sex. He has even had sex with a girl he knew for less than a week!
That really pissed me off! It made me feel like I was working hard to get what any
girl could get free!My love was not enough to make him love me the same way. With
him, I know love does not exist. It's so surprising how I found myself fighting to
"win". It was more a battle for power than a relationship. I became cold, as if my
heart were frozen and all that was in my mind was winning. I lost myself because of
him.
I surrender!
He is not worth my time or my love. I don't want to lose myself because someone else
could not love me. I completely refuse to!
To everyone out there fighting to keep love and to win, just let it go for losing
yourself is not worth winning some personal love battle. I lay my story to rest and
soon my head. This day, and you are, are thanked for. Thank you for "listening" to
me. It means a lot to speak what's on my mind!
Feb 17, 2011
Valentine's Day Confusion
In case you don't know yet, I've broken up with Dominik. I wish I could say it was mutual, but it wasn't. I love him a lot but some things won't ever change and they are the main reason why I thought it is a good thing to end the romantic relationship with him.
As it turns out it is quite hard to go back being best friends. It's awkward talking in here about it because I know he is reading. Actually both are reading this.
Both? yes... there is another guy. And no, he is not the reason why Domi and I are over... I mean... are we over? I think we will never be over... it doesn't seem like it.
After the break up Domi and I had a lot of conversations. One night his mom called my mom and asked her if she knew what was going on because Domi didn't go to school that day and had cried all day long and didn't come out of his room. At that time neither of our parents knew about the breakup. So my mom told her no and that she is gonna ask me if I knew anything.
Of course I called him right after she told me. He was very sad and at that point I could see that he had stopped putting up a strong front and he was begging for us to get back together.
I started crying too because it tore up my heart to hear him cry and be so vulnerable.
I cursed myself for inflicting such a pain on a person I love with my whole being.
But eventually we calmed down and we started talking and I told him that the situation won't ever change. That getting back together is not solving anything but only postponing things. He started to understand. And at least for that night we parted knowing we're both ok with this.
that has been a month ago
since then I have seeked the comfort of a lot of friends. online and offline.
one of these offline friends is Oliver.
Oliver and I have history. He and I used to hang out a lot 3 years ago and he always wanted to be boyfriends and at that time I thought the idea of being in love ridiculous and something girls do.
I know, stupid... I was 15, ok? Joseph... need I say more?
Then I met Adam, then Domi and I became boyfriends and Oliver was angry at me but eventually we fixed it and stayed friends since then.
So yeah, that's the background story on Oliver.
wow, I wanted to tell you about my Valentine's Day and drifted off. But I guess you need to know all this to understand the whole thing. Or maybe I just needed to get it off my chest.
After our breakup Domi made me promise to spend Valentine's Day together. So that was settled. As you know Vday was on Monday. The Saturday before my friend Oliver spent the night and we had a lot of fun and I showed him twitter and my tumblr and my blog.
After he read a few of my posts especially the one where Adam took me out for dinner he said he wants to do that with me too. And he said it should be on Vday.
I told him that I had promised Domi to spend Vday with him, so after thinking about it for a while he said that we could have a Vday lunch.
So um yeah... that's how I ended up having two Valentine's Day dates.
But, before you roll your eyes and say "lucky bastard, some of us don't even have one" (actually a few of you on twitter told me that :p), yeah before you say that, both dates were not the typical romantic dates. At least that's what I told myself the whole time.
.... moving forward to Monday (Vday)
So Oliver picked me up right after school and we went to this steak house called MAREDO (somewhere I couldn't go with Domi cos he is vegetarian).
Since he was buying I decided to go for the lunchtime menue which was a nice steak with a cream sauce and fresh pepper. I mean fresh pepper as in the pepper fruit... not grounded... do you understand? It was delicious and not hot at all.
ugh... seriously, I can't do this. this feels dumb. I can't really tell much about it... as I said, no romance involved, not on my part. I am not over Domi and I have told him and he knew.
We had a nice time, we ate, we had a coke, we had dessert and we got up and left.
After that we decided to walk home instead of taking the subway. So we had a long walk and we talked and talked. At first about nothing important but it ended in him hugging me and saying: "I know it's hard. You still love him. You need time"
I leave the rest to your imagination.
Back home, I shortly went on twitter and nobody was there, literally nobody there to talk to. Can you imagine that? ugh.
Anyway, I got changed and I was really nervous about my date with Domi.
it was beautiful: nice Italian restaurant, very romantic, candle light. dimmed lights, nice ambient music, great food. like, GREAT food. and Domi.
and Domi
and Domi
and Domi
I love you so much Domi
the look in his face. his smile... I reached over and wiped his hair off his face. he held my hand. I pulled away
I just did it because I was scared. It is over, right? It is... we both agreed on this.
after dinner we went to his house and he asked me in. We went to his basement and we watched a Disney movie together. we made popcorn and watched the movie. When they kissed on the screen he reached over and held my hand. I was torn... how could I keep on being the monster that I had been the weeks before and deny him the one thing that he wants from me. my love.
he leaned over and we kissed... I
I couldn't hold back the tears. this is so hard on both of us.
I got up, thanked him... gave him a tight hug and walked home.
this is why I hesitated to write this post. it's because things are not clear and I don't know what is going on. we're both trying... but what are we trying? are we trying to work on this breakup and stay best friends or are we trying to overcome this and stay boyfriends.
all I know is I will love him for eternity.
No matter what I do... I will be a monster to either him or Oliver in the end. Or maybe... maybe for once I don't have to act and I can just react to their decisions...
As it turns out it is quite hard to go back being best friends. It's awkward talking in here about it because I know he is reading. Actually both are reading this.
Both? yes... there is another guy. And no, he is not the reason why Domi and I are over... I mean... are we over? I think we will never be over... it doesn't seem like it.
After the break up Domi and I had a lot of conversations. One night his mom called my mom and asked her if she knew what was going on because Domi didn't go to school that day and had cried all day long and didn't come out of his room. At that time neither of our parents knew about the breakup. So my mom told her no and that she is gonna ask me if I knew anything.
Of course I called him right after she told me. He was very sad and at that point I could see that he had stopped putting up a strong front and he was begging for us to get back together.
I started crying too because it tore up my heart to hear him cry and be so vulnerable.
I cursed myself for inflicting such a pain on a person I love with my whole being.
But eventually we calmed down and we started talking and I told him that the situation won't ever change. That getting back together is not solving anything but only postponing things. He started to understand. And at least for that night we parted knowing we're both ok with this.
that has been a month ago
since then I have seeked the comfort of a lot of friends. online and offline.
one of these offline friends is Oliver.
Oliver and I have history. He and I used to hang out a lot 3 years ago and he always wanted to be boyfriends and at that time I thought the idea of being in love ridiculous and something girls do.
I know, stupid... I was 15, ok? Joseph... need I say more?
Then I met Adam, then Domi and I became boyfriends and Oliver was angry at me but eventually we fixed it and stayed friends since then.
So yeah, that's the background story on Oliver.
wow, I wanted to tell you about my Valentine's Day and drifted off. But I guess you need to know all this to understand the whole thing. Or maybe I just needed to get it off my chest.
After our breakup Domi made me promise to spend Valentine's Day together. So that was settled. As you know Vday was on Monday. The Saturday before my friend Oliver spent the night and we had a lot of fun and I showed him twitter and my tumblr and my blog.
After he read a few of my posts especially the one where Adam took me out for dinner he said he wants to do that with me too. And he said it should be on Vday.
I told him that I had promised Domi to spend Vday with him, so after thinking about it for a while he said that we could have a Vday lunch.
So um yeah... that's how I ended up having two Valentine's Day dates.
But, before you roll your eyes and say "lucky bastard, some of us don't even have one" (actually a few of you on twitter told me that :p), yeah before you say that, both dates were not the typical romantic dates. At least that's what I told myself the whole time.
.... moving forward to Monday (Vday)
So Oliver picked me up right after school and we went to this steak house called MAREDO (somewhere I couldn't go with Domi cos he is vegetarian).
Since he was buying I decided to go for the lunchtime menue which was a nice steak with a cream sauce and fresh pepper. I mean fresh pepper as in the pepper fruit... not grounded... do you understand? It was delicious and not hot at all.
ugh... seriously, I can't do this. this feels dumb. I can't really tell much about it... as I said, no romance involved, not on my part. I am not over Domi and I have told him and he knew.
We had a nice time, we ate, we had a coke, we had dessert and we got up and left.
After that we decided to walk home instead of taking the subway. So we had a long walk and we talked and talked. At first about nothing important but it ended in him hugging me and saying: "I know it's hard. You still love him. You need time"
I leave the rest to your imagination.
Back home, I shortly went on twitter and nobody was there, literally nobody there to talk to. Can you imagine that? ugh.
Anyway, I got changed and I was really nervous about my date with Domi.
it was beautiful: nice Italian restaurant, very romantic, candle light. dimmed lights, nice ambient music, great food. like, GREAT food. and Domi.
and Domi
and Domi
and Domi
I love you so much Domi
the look in his face. his smile... I reached over and wiped his hair off his face. he held my hand. I pulled away
I just did it because I was scared. It is over, right? It is... we both agreed on this.
after dinner we went to his house and he asked me in. We went to his basement and we watched a Disney movie together. we made popcorn and watched the movie. When they kissed on the screen he reached over and held my hand. I was torn... how could I keep on being the monster that I had been the weeks before and deny him the one thing that he wants from me. my love.
he leaned over and we kissed... I
I couldn't hold back the tears. this is so hard on both of us.
I got up, thanked him... gave him a tight hug and walked home.
this is why I hesitated to write this post. it's because things are not clear and I don't know what is going on. we're both trying... but what are we trying? are we trying to work on this breakup and stay best friends or are we trying to overcome this and stay boyfriends.
all I know is I will love him for eternity.
No matter what I do... I will be a monster to either him or Oliver in the end. Or maybe... maybe for once I don't have to act and I can just react to their decisions...
Feb 10, 2011
Jan 30, 2011
He's Out Of My Hands
He's out of my life
He's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
He's out of my life
It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
To think for two years he was here
And I took him for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
He's out of my hands
So I've learned that love's not possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late
And he's out of my life
He's out of my life
Damned indecisions and cursed pride
I kept my love for him locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
He's out of my life
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