Shadow Dream

A shadow I must seem. A figment of a dream. Having gone long ago, there is much you do not know.

I had a boyfriend for about a month. He made me happy and still does. Though sometimes confusing, he never gates me and that's one thing I love about him. I turned him bi but he loves vagina. He's now my best friend and I love him. Curse you testosterone!

School has been a major pain! In 2008 I sent some e-mails to my first major crush and they got out. Now total strangers around school know my name.

Family getting on my nerves and few friends to vent with or just talk to.

Wednesday 2am

I havn't done this in a while.

Please take four minutes, sit back and listen to this song/video

iPodPadPhone http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DIKtWXliiUs


You touch these tired eyes of mine
And map my face out line by line
And somehow growing old feels fine
I listen close for I'm not smart 
You wrap you thoughts in works of art 
And they're hanging on the walls of my heart 

I may not have the softest touch 
I may not say the words as such 
And though I may not look like much 
I'm yours 
And though my edges may be rough 
And never feel I'm quite enough 
It may not seem like very much 
But I'm yours 

You heeled these scars over time
Embraced my soul 
You loved my mind
You're the only angel in my life
The day news came my best friend died 
My knees went week and you saw me cry 
Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes 

I may not have the softest touch 
I may not say the words as such 
And though I may not look like much 
I'm yours 
And though my edges may be rough 
And never feel I'm quite enough 
It may not seem like very much 
But I'm yours

Mr Nice Guy

If you ask the people around me, my friends in school, my teammates, my firends online and people I deal with every day, they all will tell you that I'm a positive thinking and always smiling and polite person. ugh, enough with the self loving you asshole. I'm usually in a good mood and I try to make people around me feel better about themselves, because I want them to be happy. shut up, you know you don't want to deal with naggers and whiners and negativity, why don't you just come out and say it? oh I see... cause you're "polite", Mr. Nice Guy. BULLSHIT!

FUCK IT... I DON'T FEEL LIKE TYPING ANYMORE
no, Nic, you can't post this. you're a nice guy, remember?
stop the crap, will ya? Man up and say it like it is.
say what? I don't have anything to say.
then why did you fucktard start this post?
I don't know... I was feeling weird. I wanted to say something but then I kinda got distracted with being stuck in this fucking classroom and the teacher is boring and then you came along and then my head started hurting and then I got dizzy and the weather is shit and THIS FUCKING JUSTIN BIEBER SONG IS STUCK IN MY BRAIN.... aaaaaaah.
whooooaw... where did that come from?
SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
you can't talk like that... you're a nice guy, remember?
GO AWAY. LAST WARNING.

cuddle with me

I'm lying here and I'm looking at the door. I feel lonely in my bed, though I know you're there somewhere.
I feel emptiness cause I long for something that's not here with me. Where it should be.
I hug my pillow and close my eyes. I hold it tight.

When I open my eyes I can see your face. You smile at me and give me a wink.
Your hair is messed up but you look calm and peaceful.
Can you be more beautiful?

You put your arm around me and pull me closer.
I touch your cheek. It's red and warm.
You look at me and smile again. You kiss my hand.

If you only knew how much I want you.

I want to say something but you put your finger on my lips. You touch my nose and pinch my cheek.
I kiss your fingers one by one. I kiss your palm.
You smell so good. I take you in.
I grab your head and bring my lips to yours

But you hold me back. You touch my forehead and move your hand. You close my eyes.
Then I can feel you. I can feel you inside. You're on my lips, you're in my head, you're in my heart.
God, it's so beautiful and warm and like paradise.

I'm happy you're in my life.
I open my eyes again and look at the door. I feel lonely in my bed, though I know you're there somewhere.

But I don't feel emptiness anymore cause I know there's something that is with me. Where it should be.

together forever 

Guess Who's Back

Friends, its been awhile. School's been rough, I've been doing my best to study hard and prepare for my IB exams....which started this week. They. are. hard. basically. But they also give me a lot of time away from school, which means i have time to do fun things like this!

You haven't missed out on much....well a few things a suppose i should note:

I was waitlisted from my dream school at the university of minnisota-twin cities, and forced to apply to another school, and It looks like Im going to the university of wisconsin-milwaukee. Hope its fun, anyone live around there?

Romantically......... you haven't missed out on anything. And that makes me a little sad, cause I want to get on here and brag about my relations and how happy i am, but alas, im limited to wild speculation and the occasional pessimistic view one day and blind optimism the next..

And heres a little speculation for you ;) There is someone Im interested in. Don't know if i actually have a chance, but im trying to figure out a way to see if it'll happen. more on that later :) but i think the two of us would be great together! They DJ and mix songs, have kind of a hipster self image like i do, and love music and art.

And the best part is (or maybe worst part) that they've inspired me to start writing again. I HAVE A MUSE! hahaha so if i feel like transcribing some poems or prose later maybe you'll get a taste of what my new stuff is like.

School's been getting me pretty down lately, but for whatever reason when i see my mystery person in the halls i honestly cant stop smiling for like an hour, i feel so energized and alive just by the smallest interaction with them.

I really really hope this one works out, but at the same time I dont want to get my hopes up at all. History says its all in my head and regardless of how i feel, I'm just going to be dissapointed.

Well thats about it, i need to go get ready for my next test, its at 9am and its paper two of the Psych exam...which im pretty confident about. just saying....

personality... disordered

After answering 76 questions, a personality test had this to say about me. I'm an ENFP.
ENFPs are introspective, values-oriented, inspiring, social and extremely expressive.
They actively send their thoughts and ideas out into the world as a way to bring attention to what they feel to be important, which often has to do with ethics and current events.
ENFPs are natural advocates, attracting people to themselves and their cause with excellent people skills, warmth, energy and positivity.
ENFPs are described as creative, resourceful, assertive, spontaneous, life-loving, charismatic, passionate and experimental.

(http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/enfp/)

---

I have only one thing to say regarding last night's events.

There is nothing that will change who I am. Yes, I am hurt. And yes I feel burnt. But no matter what you do and what you say, I will not become a cynical, self-hating, anti-social person like you.

DM to friend: wow, I just read what happened last night... wtf... seriously... wtf... I seem to cause drama even when I'm not there. why are they mean 2me

DM back from friend: jealousy. some think you're too good to be true, bunch of cynical a**holes :/ dont mind them! just take it all in stride!

You think I am lucky? You think I live in a golden world? You're not happy for me? You can't grant me happiness with my boyfriend and my current life?

And you call yourself a friend?

I am a happy person... I worked hard to be where I am right now. I went through a lot of pain in my life.

Do you really want me to post about those things to make you feel better? To let you know that I am not a golden child?

I'm sorry I'm not depressed. I'm sorry I'm not an angry person. I'm sorry I don't cut myself and post pictures of it on my blog.

But if I would... would that make you happier? Think about it...

I'm done with you
Nic

the thing with the trip and the concert and the sexual tension (part 2)

Apparently I must have caught something on the trip to Berlin because the next day I started to feel weak and over the next few days I developed a nice fever of 40°C/104°F and almost coughed my lungs out.
Domi wasn't allowed to see me because I was highly contagious and he had this concert coming up on Saturday. (In case you're not following... we came back from Berlin on Tuesday and his concert was the following Saturday)
So yeah in short, I was almost dead and I wasn't sure if I could make it to the concert. Not because I felt weak... oh no, I would've gone even in a wheel chair... no, the thing was my really bad and constant coughing... It was a classic music concert and not a rock concert... so imagine someone sitting in the audience and coughing all the time.
Domi tried everything to help me get better... up to the point where he called me at 10am and pm to remind me to take my antibiotics... cause I had to take them every 12 hours. And he refused to continue talking to me on the phone until I drank a glass of juice.
He even came over once and brought me soup that his mom had made with the words "I helped cutting the vegetables"...  :o)

But my body didn't want to get better...

So Saturday arrived and he couldn't be with me because he had to be at the concert hall all day for preparations, sound check, rehearsals and so on.

But during his breaks he called me from his cell and told me what they were doing. It was very exciting because he told me with a passion and excitement in his voice about all the professionals running around and what they were doing and about all the stuff that was going on... the lighting, the acoustics... I'm trying to remember all the stuff he told me...

Anyways... troughout the day he and I both still hoped that I could make it. I drank a lot of tea to calm my bronchitis down. I even took those awful codeine drops which... wait... let me look it up...

Codeine is a fairly common drug that is generally used in the medical field to treat pain and is a cough suppressant as well.

...but still... my coughing didn't get better... it was so bad actually that I had that gag reflex and almost vomitted twice...

ummm... sorry... graphic...

The concert began at 8pm... prior to that our last phone conversation was about half an hour before. He wasn't nervous the whole day but when he saw the audience and the seats filling up he got more and more nervous by the minute. He should have been used to it by then you may think, seeing as that was his second concert in that music hall in front of 3,500 people.
btw, I have to add that it wasn't only Domi's concert, but of about 20 musicians with different combinations: solo artists, orchestra, string quartets and so on.
Domi had three pieces to play... two with the orchestra and one solo piece... his solo piece was the second last one and on the last concert that I attended he had a standing ovation of what felt like 2 minutes... and guys... a standing ovation of two minutes from people who are umm... well... imagine older women in their jewelry and costumes and their fur coats... well... a standing ovation of a crowd that usually claps three times very quietly with two fingers inside their palms... means a lot.

So yeah we finished our phone call when he had to go to the musicians meeting and get his pep talk from the conductor/music teacher. So I wished him good luck, gave him a corny smooch over the phone and sent him on his way. I could hear the disappointment in his voice about me not being there with him.

So there I was... being sad and a little bit teary-eyed [from the fever of course ;o)]. And I went on twitter and talked to my friends.
About 1 and a half hours later at about 9:30pm my cellphone rang... I could see it was Domi and I was already wondering why the concert was over so quickly.
When I picked up I could hear steps, some crackling and static noise and nothing else... he wasn't speaking... I yelled "DOMI, DOOOOMI, ARE YOU OK?" and there was no reply.

(you should listen to this while you read on)


Then I heard him start to play... he played Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
I thought to myself he must have called me before going on stage.
Later he told me he went out and placed his cellphone right next to his sheets and got a weird look from his teacher.

When I heard him play, a lot of things went through my mind. Suddenly I was very emotional and I'm getting a bit emotional right now while I'm typing this.
I thought about how much I love him and how much he loves me for doing such a thing.
It's a really small gesture but it meant the world to me.
Who on gods green earth thinks about another person and comes up with a plan to involve them while THREE THOUSAND FIVEHUNDRED people are outside sitting and waiting for him to come out and play? Who comes up with the idea of letting someone be a part of the amazing thing they are experiencing by calling them on the phone and letting them listen?

A loving, caring and amazing boyfriend... that's who.

All those things went through my head as I was listening to the song.
I woke up from my daydream when the audience began to clap. Domi must have accidentally hung up on me when he grabbed his cell and his sheet music.

Later he told me he had been looking at my picture (on his cell) the whole time while he was playing.