cuddle with me

I'm lying here and I'm looking at the door. I feel lonely in my bed, though I know you're there somewhere.
I feel emptiness cause I long for something that's not here with me. Where it should be.
I hug my pillow and close my eyes. I hold it tight.

When I open my eyes I can see your face. You smile at me and give me a wink.
Your hair is messed up but you look calm and peaceful.
Can you be more beautiful?

You put your arm around me and pull me closer.
I touch your cheek. It's red and warm.
You look at me and smile again. You kiss my hand.

If you only knew how much I want you.

I want to say something but you put your finger on my lips. You touch my nose and pinch my cheek.
I kiss your fingers one by one. I kiss your palm.
You smell so good. I take you in.
I grab your head and bring my lips to yours

But you hold me back. You touch my forehead and move your hand. You close my eyes.
Then I can feel you. I can feel you inside. You're on my lips, you're in my head, you're in my heart.
God, it's so beautiful and warm and like paradise.

I'm happy you're in my life.
I open my eyes again and look at the door. I feel lonely in my bed, though I know you're there somewhere.

But I don't feel emptiness anymore cause I know there's something that is with me. Where it should be.

together forever 

Guess Who's Back

Friends, its been awhile. School's been rough, I've been doing my best to study hard and prepare for my IB exams....which started this week. They. are. hard. basically. But they also give me a lot of time away from school, which means i have time to do fun things like this!

You haven't missed out on much....well a few things a suppose i should note:

I was waitlisted from my dream school at the university of minnisota-twin cities, and forced to apply to another school, and It looks like Im going to the university of wisconsin-milwaukee. Hope its fun, anyone live around there?

Romantically......... you haven't missed out on anything. And that makes me a little sad, cause I want to get on here and brag about my relations and how happy i am, but alas, im limited to wild speculation and the occasional pessimistic view one day and blind optimism the next..

And heres a little speculation for you ;) There is someone Im interested in. Don't know if i actually have a chance, but im trying to figure out a way to see if it'll happen. more on that later :) but i think the two of us would be great together! They DJ and mix songs, have kind of a hipster self image like i do, and love music and art.

And the best part is (or maybe worst part) that they've inspired me to start writing again. I HAVE A MUSE! hahaha so if i feel like transcribing some poems or prose later maybe you'll get a taste of what my new stuff is like.

School's been getting me pretty down lately, but for whatever reason when i see my mystery person in the halls i honestly cant stop smiling for like an hour, i feel so energized and alive just by the smallest interaction with them.

I really really hope this one works out, but at the same time I dont want to get my hopes up at all. History says its all in my head and regardless of how i feel, I'm just going to be dissapointed.

Well thats about it, i need to go get ready for my next test, its at 9am and its paper two of the Psych exam...which im pretty confident about. just saying....

personality... disordered

After answering 76 questions, a personality test had this to say about me. I'm an ENFP.
ENFPs are introspective, values-oriented, inspiring, social and extremely expressive.
They actively send their thoughts and ideas out into the world as a way to bring attention to what they feel to be important, which often has to do with ethics and current events.
ENFPs are natural advocates, attracting people to themselves and their cause with excellent people skills, warmth, energy and positivity.
ENFPs are described as creative, resourceful, assertive, spontaneous, life-loving, charismatic, passionate and experimental.

(http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/enfp/)

---

I have only one thing to say regarding last night's events.

There is nothing that will change who I am. Yes, I am hurt. And yes I feel burnt. But no matter what you do and what you say, I will not become a cynical, self-hating, anti-social person like you.

DM to friend: wow, I just read what happened last night... wtf... seriously... wtf... I seem to cause drama even when I'm not there. why are they mean 2me

DM back from friend: jealousy. some think you're too good to be true, bunch of cynical a**holes :/ dont mind them! just take it all in stride!

You think I am lucky? You think I live in a golden world? You're not happy for me? You can't grant me happiness with my boyfriend and my current life?

And you call yourself a friend?

I am a happy person... I worked hard to be where I am right now. I went through a lot of pain in my life.

Do you really want me to post about those things to make you feel better? To let you know that I am not a golden child?

I'm sorry I'm not depressed. I'm sorry I'm not an angry person. I'm sorry I don't cut myself and post pictures of it on my blog.

But if I would... would that make you happier? Think about it...

I'm done with you
Nic

the thing with the trip and the concert and the sexual tension (part 2)

Apparently I must have caught something on the trip to Berlin because the next day I started to feel weak and over the next few days I developed a nice fever of 40°C/104°F and almost coughed my lungs out.
Domi wasn't allowed to see me because I was highly contagious and he had this concert coming up on Saturday. (In case you're not following... we came back from Berlin on Tuesday and his concert was the following Saturday)
So yeah in short, I was almost dead and I wasn't sure if I could make it to the concert. Not because I felt weak... oh no, I would've gone even in a wheel chair... no, the thing was my really bad and constant coughing... It was a classic music concert and not a rock concert... so imagine someone sitting in the audience and coughing all the time.
Domi tried everything to help me get better... up to the point where he called me at 10am and pm to remind me to take my antibiotics... cause I had to take them every 12 hours. And he refused to continue talking to me on the phone until I drank a glass of juice.
He even came over once and brought me soup that his mom had made with the words "I helped cutting the vegetables"...  :o)

But my body didn't want to get better...

So Saturday arrived and he couldn't be with me because he had to be at the concert hall all day for preparations, sound check, rehearsals and so on.

But during his breaks he called me from his cell and told me what they were doing. It was very exciting because he told me with a passion and excitement in his voice about all the professionals running around and what they were doing and about all the stuff that was going on... the lighting, the acoustics... I'm trying to remember all the stuff he told me...

Anyways... troughout the day he and I both still hoped that I could make it. I drank a lot of tea to calm my bronchitis down. I even took those awful codeine drops which... wait... let me look it up...

Codeine is a fairly common drug that is generally used in the medical field to treat pain and is a cough suppressant as well.

...but still... my coughing didn't get better... it was so bad actually that I had that gag reflex and almost vomitted twice...

ummm... sorry... graphic...

The concert began at 8pm... prior to that our last phone conversation was about half an hour before. He wasn't nervous the whole day but when he saw the audience and the seats filling up he got more and more nervous by the minute. He should have been used to it by then you may think, seeing as that was his second concert in that music hall in front of 3,500 people.
btw, I have to add that it wasn't only Domi's concert, but of about 20 musicians with different combinations: solo artists, orchestra, string quartets and so on.
Domi had three pieces to play... two with the orchestra and one solo piece... his solo piece was the second last one and on the last concert that I attended he had a standing ovation of what felt like 2 minutes... and guys... a standing ovation of two minutes from people who are umm... well... imagine older women in their jewelry and costumes and their fur coats... well... a standing ovation of a crowd that usually claps three times very quietly with two fingers inside their palms... means a lot.

So yeah we finished our phone call when he had to go to the musicians meeting and get his pep talk from the conductor/music teacher. So I wished him good luck, gave him a corny smooch over the phone and sent him on his way. I could hear the disappointment in his voice about me not being there with him.

So there I was... being sad and a little bit teary-eyed [from the fever of course ;o)]. And I went on twitter and talked to my friends.
About 1 and a half hours later at about 9:30pm my cellphone rang... I could see it was Domi and I was already wondering why the concert was over so quickly.
When I picked up I could hear steps, some crackling and static noise and nothing else... he wasn't speaking... I yelled "DOMI, DOOOOMI, ARE YOU OK?" and there was no reply.

(you should listen to this while you read on)


Then I heard him start to play... he played Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
I thought to myself he must have called me before going on stage.
Later he told me he went out and placed his cellphone right next to his sheets and got a weird look from his teacher.

When I heard him play, a lot of things went through my mind. Suddenly I was very emotional and I'm getting a bit emotional right now while I'm typing this.
I thought about how much I love him and how much he loves me for doing such a thing.
It's a really small gesture but it meant the world to me.
Who on gods green earth thinks about another person and comes up with a plan to involve them while THREE THOUSAND FIVEHUNDRED people are outside sitting and waiting for him to come out and play? Who comes up with the idea of letting someone be a part of the amazing thing they are experiencing by calling them on the phone and letting them listen?

A loving, caring and amazing boyfriend... that's who.

All those things went through my head as I was listening to the song.
I woke up from my daydream when the audience began to clap. Domi must have accidentally hung up on me when he grabbed his cell and his sheet music.

Later he told me he had been looking at my picture (on his cell) the whole time while he was playing.

the thing with the trip and the concert and the sexual tension (part 1)

I haven't blogged in a while. But I have commented on a few other blogs. There are two guys from California I met recently and I'd like to link to their blogs. One is the very nice Robert http://lrtackle15.blogspot.com/ who for some reason likes me a lot. And the other one is Sean http://gaykiddd.blogspot.com/ who is about to get his first bf.
I read something on Sean's blog that made me think. He wrote:

It's getting more difficult to keep writing. I want to keep going; the only problem is that there's becoming less and less to write about. There seems to be little I've already said, [...]  I do enjoy it; a lot. However to me, it feels like I've been overly redundant in the last few posts and that it will continue if I try and force myself to write; and I don't like redundancy and it bothers me, the idea of having to force myself to write is irritating. I'd rather not; so I won't.

I thought about that for a while then commented this:

I know that feeling. I think I've talked too much about Dominik and love and death in general.
But a blog is something personal. So you're not writing for an audience, you're writing for yourself. If people stick around and comment once in a while then that's awesome but for me it's not why I blog. It's because I want to write things down. Once it'S written down it helps me cope with it much better.

Tell me what you think about it.

---

Last time I blogged Dominik was in Berlin with his (very expensive) piano teacher preparing for a concert. I was missing him a lot and had not seen him for over a week.

My sadness was so obvious to my folks and his parents that they all chipped in and bought me a train ticket to  Berlin so I could go to him on his last day there and travel back with him.

In hindsight it was kinda dumb to travel by train cause a flight would have been A LOT cheaper. But hey, who am I to complain, it wasn't my money :P My folks just don't know how to use the "modern day technology" of booking a cheap flight over the internet.

So I left on Tuesday two weeks ago for Berlin in the fastest train Germany has called ICE. It travels with the speed of 250km/h, But because it had to stop about 5 or 6 times in different cities the trip took about 4 hours and 20 minutes. 

On the way there I was in a cabin with a lot of seats. So I was a bit 'worried' about privacy for the way back with Dominik. The inside looked something like this.

When I arrived in Berlin I took a taxi to the address Domi's mom gave me. Of course he didn't know I was coming and I wanted to surprise him. I arrived at the door and the doors were closed and there was no one who could let me in. After a while I found a different entrance to the building and the nice lady guided me to the hall where Dominik and his teacher were practising. It was so awesome hearing him play while still being outside.

Knowing my boyfriend I decided to wait outside until he finishes the piece he was playing, because Dominik is one of those musicians who forget everything around them while they are playing. He also has the habit of finishing whatever he is playing before doing anything else. Like... he wouldn't even reply to a question or get up when his mom calls for him or.. and I'm not exaggerating... when the house is burning (not that it happened but I can imagine him still finishing before he'll get up to run away) lol.

So this is what surprised me and it's moments like this that make me think "wow he really loves me".

Here's what happened: You can imagine that classical piano pieces are quite... ummm... longish. So I couldn't wait any longer and decided to go in. 

He completely ignored that someone came in... he didn't look up. His teacher only looked up from the music sheets he was reading along Domi's play and smiled and I made a gesture that I don't want to interrupt and will sit down.

CLUMSY ME knocked off a sheet holder while trying to sit down and that's when Domi looked up. And here THE MAGIC happened :o) He stopped playing instantly and said NIIIIIC and ran to me and gave me a tiiiiight hug. 

After he introduced me to his teacher with the words "Das ist mein Freund Nic von dem ich dir erzählt hab" (this is my friend Nic I told you about). He couldn't really concentrate on playing and his teacher told him to call it a day. He said, he can't make him any better... you had to see Domi's smile... it lit up the whole room :)

ummm... sorry, I gotta do this:

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOOOOOOOOVE YOUUUUU

ok, done...

So yeah... we went to his hotel room and... err... "packed his stuff"... LOL, that's a good one... yeah we "packed his stuff" and went to the train station.

On our way home we had a different ICE and the seating was in cabins like that:

For most of the trip back we were sitting alone. But later a businessman came in and sat down and he had this really really awful aftershave and a lot of it too.

You can imagine there are no windows in a train that drives 4 times as fast as regular trains with windows. So I came up with a plan to get rid of him. It was a win-win situation... win-win for me (ref to Glee). Domi and I started making out and apparently it was a bit too much for the guy when I started getting my hands under Domi's shirt... He got up and left the cabin... Sometimes I like homophobia. Assuming he was homophobic. He might as well be a nice guy who wanted to give us privacy... We'll never know...

Anyways, we arrived at home really late ... it was about 2 am I think... And I fell asleep with a feeling of pure happiness... of course I wore his t-shirt that night again :o)

END OF PART 1, this is already too long. In the next part I'm gonna talk about my bronchitis that stopped me from visiting his concert on the following Saturday and about what he did to still make it possible for me to be at the concert... oh god, there is so much to write about... and I haven't even started about the third thing... the sexual tension part...

I shouldn't have waited so long to make a blogpost.

intense everything

love makes you do wondrous things
I haven't seen Domi for 1 week now.
It's for a good reason. He's in Berlin practising with one of the world's best pianists.
Domi is going to have a concert with a whole bunch of others next Saturday in front of 3,500 people.

I'm very proud of him.
Still... his absence is causing physical pain. I had this weird feeling in my gut the whole day. I felt like I have to vomit constantly. That feeling was gone after he txted me and said he's gonna call later today.

There are things - like this - that are out of my control.
"Man up, Nic" - I would if I could.

love is intense. it makes you do the weirdest things.
I went over to his house and told his mom I had forgotten something in Domi's room.
I went upstairs and grabbed one of his t-shirts and put it on under my sweater.
Totally dumb, but I feel closer to him.

I'm wearing it now.

Interesting conversation