Muffin

So I was tuning into this NZ radio show, minding my own business and listening to my friend Lucas who is the DJ there with his co host Silke (nice girl) when out of nowhere he says "mmmm I'm eating a muffin" then Silke says "it's a good muffin."

Lucas "I have to admit. This is one good muffin" then he plays some music only to interrupt in the middle to yell extaticly "I'm psyched, we have margarine".

I swear to god. I can't make up shit like that. It's too good to be made up. Lol. Anyways. So I email them and tell them that I think it's strange that Lucas is eating Silke's muffin LIVE on 95bfm. and he reads it out on air.

Then he says he thinks nothing's strange with that. And Silke adds "OMG and the smell. It smells sooo good" and Lucas agrees "yes that muffin smells really good".

ROFLMAOGIGALOL

I apologize

Someone posted this comment on my last blogpost titled "Lloyd" last night

Anonymous said...

Did you ever consider that he might not be ok with you blaring out all this personal stuff about him? Don't you think he had his reasons not to tell anyone about his condition? It's bad enough that you apparently try to stalk him now just because he dared to not tell you where he went . But giving the whole internet the information to do the same is really beyond naive. You sir, are an idiot.

You are right. In my first reaction on his abrupt disappearance I did not consider that he doesn't want people to know. Although I remember he told a lot of his friends.
The fact that I am "stalking" him is beyond my control. I want my friend back. But again, you are right. I should leave it be. He had a good reason not to tell me or any of his other friends. I'm too emotionally involved in this and hence did not think. I apologize for that.

I have deleted that blogpost and also the information on twitter. I have also set my twitter account to private.
Again, I'm sorry for looking for him. And I'm glad you set me straight and teach me how people should behave appropriately when a person they love just disappears without warning.
Apparently you have a very good idea of my relationship with him and you know that it's nothing more than just a friend "not telling me where he went".

You've said your peace, you set me straight, you even posted my skype ID on /b/ (whatever that shit is) so I got tons of nasty let-me-add-you-nic-I-saw-you-on-/b/ requests. Now that you've done all of that, you can move on. And I'm gonna try to do the same.

Lloyd

So this is what is going on

---

Nic: well, you know how sometime last year around this time I got introduced to this whole new world of gay bloggers?
Sasa: yes
Nic: about half a year ago, someone new came in to that group
Nic: he is not a blogger
Sasa: ok
Nic: he is from the Philippines and his name is Lloyd
Nic: he is 17
Sasa: ok
Nic: and trust me when I say, he is like
Nic: the most wonderful person you can meet on the internet
Nic: with a heart of gold
Nic: and so much love
Sasa: oh i thought that was you :)
Nic: :)
Nic: Lloyd is me times 1.000.000
Sasa: ok
Nic: about 4 days ago a friend of mine who I looked up to
Nic: his name is Charlie
Nic: he decided to quit twitter
Sasa: ok
Nic: and I was very upset because Charlie was like a
Nic: for the lack of a better word, he was like a father figure to me
Nic: and him leaving twitter was like he was leaving me and our friendship
Sasa: ok
Nic: and I took it bad
Nic: so, Lloyd called me on skype and said he needed to talk to me
Sasa: ok
Nic: he said he may have to leave twitter too
Nic: and he thinks I am gonna be hurt, so he needs to talk to me about that before leaving
Sasa: special reason?
Nic: then he said he has this heart condition
Nic: later I found out that he was born with a hole in his heart
Nic: and he needs surgery
Nic: once a year he goes through some tests
Nic: and they say if they have to operate on him or not
Nic: well, he made that test about two weeks ago
Sasa: ok
Nic: he said the results have arrived but he was trying to put it off
Nic: he didn't want his parents to find out about the results
Nic: because he said, he doesn't want that surgery because he is gonna end up a cripple or vegetable in bed
Nic: so he was scared
Nic: and he said: it might not be the case
Nic: it MIGHT not be the case
Nic: and he said that maybe he doesn't have to
Sasa: ok
Nic: and this operation is in the far far future
Nic: oh and the worst part
Nic: he said if his parents force him to have that operation he rather kills himself
Nic: and he was very serious about it
Sasa: hm
Nic: so, I didn't really acknowledge that, since he said it is gonna be in the far far future
Nic: then
Nic: the day after
Nic: he asked me to have a short skype call
Nic: and I said, sure, I have ten minutes
Nic: because he said, he also had just ten minutes, because he had to go study
Nic: and I said ok
Nic: then I had this convo with him
Nic: and it was short
Nic: and during those 10 minutes he was normal
Nic: nothing special
Nic: except, he said I love you a lot
Sasa: ok
Nic: and I was like: what is going on? have you opened your results yet?
Nic: and he said no
Nic: and then
Nic: I asked if he is ok and he said yes
Nic: and then I told him that I was starving and needed breakfast
Nic: and he said "ok, I need to go too"
Nic: so, I wasn't really thinking anything bad
Nic: the next day, my friend torchy asked me in a direct message if
Nic: if a certain email address was Lloyd's email?
Nic: because he got an email and he didn't know from whom it was.
Sasa: was it lloyds?
Nic: and I got suspicious, because Lloyd said that he doesn't want anyone to know, and he will talk to torchy and our other friend Peter
Nic: yes it was his
Nic: so I freaked a little and asked if he said anything weird in it
Nic: torchy said, no, except the sign off could have sounded a bit like a goodbye
Nic: I immediately knew what was going on
Nic: so
Nic: I asked Pete to show me the email he got
Nic: he was asleep and I cried a lot
Nic: later he came online and pasted me the email he got
Nic: and that was just
Nic: let me paste it to you
Sasa: ok
Nic: "oi,..... i know we've only been "internet friends" for such a short
while, but meh, i just wanted you to know i love you, as a friend, as
a person... as Petey,and i know you might not believe me or get it,
but i truly do... i wish i knew you IRL so you can look me in the eyes
know for yourself that I'm sincere..... anyways.... yeah... good rest
of the day and I LOVES YOU <3 <3 <3 *hugs* stay safe!"
Sasa: ok
Nic: see that I LOVE YOU?
Sasa: yes
Nic: when we had that last conversation he said I love you a lot, 3 times before he hung up
Nic: right before he hung up he said that again
Nic: fuck
Sasa: you think he killed himself?
Nic: I don't know, I'm not sure
Nic: I keep going back to his twitter and check his tweets
Sasa: that's fucked up.
Nic: I think he had something coming
Nic: he must have had an appointment for hospital or something
Nic: because he said:
Nic: "*clock ticks* so long >__> get it over with already!"
Nic: and the last thing he posted was weird too
Nic: "Live to Love, Love to Live <3"
Sasa: is there any way you could get confirmation, proof, anything?
Nic: no, there is no way I can get any confirmation
Sasa: hm but if he loves to live ...
Nic: we don't know much about his address
Nic: that's what I am hoping for
Nic: I am hoping he is in surgery now
Nic: I am hoping he will be back
Nic: I am hoping he will call me again one day
Sasa: hm
Nic: I can't stop thinking about him
Nic: I am crying constantly
Sasa: if he IS in surgery, how long would he be gone? a week? a month?
Nic: I don't know... dad's heart surgery's were like two weeks in hospital and then bedrest for another month
Sasa: so you don't know anything for the next 2 months
Nic: I am searching google for all the tiny bits of information he has given me about his life
Nic: I know his mom is an art teacher
Sasa: I'm so sorry Nic
Nic: I know he lives across some born again christian church
Nic: fuck
Nic: it is hurting so much
Sasa: (hug)
Nic: he thought by not telling us he would avoid us being worried about him
Nic: but
Nic: I don't know
Nic: I
Nic: I miss him so much
Sasa: i refuse to let you give up hope.
Sasa: do you know in which city he lives?
Nic: no I don't
Nic: so sorry, I can't talk now
Sasa: do you know his full name?
Nic: I need to calm down
Sasa: i want you to hang on for a little while longer Nic, cause maybe he IS in surgery
Nic: I hope he is, Sarah
Nic: I so hope that
Nic: he loved life
Nic: he was such a happy person
Nic: always positive
Sasa: he IS a happy person
Sasa: Nici?
Nic: yes?
Sasa: don't give up
Sasa: please
Nic: I'm not
Nic: I just miss him
Sasa: (hug)

---

I'm not gonna say goodbye to you - you are gonna come back - I LOVE YOU

Live to Love, Love to Live <3

thank you, my friends

Over time a lot of you have said a lot of nice things to me.
Here is the latest and it is a skype conversation, because that person (a nice guy from Spain) wanted to tell me in person:

---

"hi Nic, uhm, we've been tweeting for the past two months? I never read your blog. you got to know me from VB, right?
then, during my last week in the Philippines I got curious about your blog. And believe it or not, in one sitting, i read it from the very first entry you made to the last one.

first : im very happy you ended up with Domi, and he's such a cutie (bleeeh :P) and that you are very very fortunate that out of all the boylets in the world, he belongs to you :)

second : my sister called me a dork, cos I was laughing all through out the time I was reading your blog. You really amaze people - including me.

lastly, and I'm saying this with all my heart, thank you for sharing a portion of your life to me. You inspire me, you make me laugh and smile, you make me feel in love, you make me sad and you made me listen to a Beethoven song I have not EVER imagined i'll listen to :P
Nic man you're the best :)

Nic: thank you so much that is very very sweet of you

no, thanks to you. :) so please, don't stop making blogs and don't stop tweeting. think about us. lol :P

Nic: :) thank you, [his name]... I'm not planing to stop. I just needed time off to rethink things...

good"

---

You all know me as that cool, aloof, hardly-showing-any-emotions-guy, right? ;)
well... that pretty much made my day :o)

I'm feeling yankee doodle dandy

Wednesday, 11:37am. I just got out of bed and had something to eat.

For over a week I'm being in a state I don't like and I don't know when it will pass.

It started with mom forbidding me to work at that bistro/cafe/burger place. I made good money there and I got a lot of tips. I was getting closer to my dream of buying my own brand new car as soon as I get my driver's licence. But now I am about 3,000 Euros away from it and frankly, I don't even want to buy it anymore.

But that is not the reason why I am depressed. It's the sum of a lot of negative things around me right now. 

Mostly it is about my relationships.  With Domi, with my mom, with my friends, online and offline.

I have high expectations which are not being... not being... what's the word? Not being fulfilled?!

Whoever you ask, they will tell you I'm a happy guy. Always being positive and nice.

That has changed for a week now and I'm hating it. 

It creeped it's way through my whole body. I have pain in places I didn't even know existed. I want to puke, I want to puke it out and get rid of it. 

I can't sleep. Either I go to bed really late or I wake up earlier than I should and lay awake for hours listening to music or just staring at the ceiling.

Last night I tried something new. I know alcohol gets me sleepy. So I had one of those mango flavored alcopops. They are just a tiny bit stronger than beer, so... no, I didn't get drunk.

I fell asleep at 2:30am and woke up at 6 to get ready for school.

After taking a shower I sat there on the corner of my bed to air dry and suddenly I felt a strong sadness. I can only describe it as something creeping through your body, getting inside of every bone. I don't know how else to describe that feeling.

I crawled back in under the sheets and texted Domi that I'm skipping school today.

At around 7 Domi came over and said hi to mom. She was just about to leave. I told her I was not going to school today and told her why. She was ok with it.

Domi came in and at first sat next to me. He started asking me all kinds of questions to analyze why I am the way I am. I hate it when he tries to analyze me. I told him I don't know and I yelled at him to leave me the fuck alone.

But he did the opposite. He crawled in next to me and said "ok, yell at me as much as you want, I won't go away" and began stroking my head.

At that moment I lost it... and I'm man enough to talk about it... I turned to him, put my head on his chest and started sobbing. I cried and cried and cried... 

I don't know who I am right now. I'm a  mess. I can't explain it to myself. How can I explain it to you?

Eventually I fell asleep again. He must have left for school shortly after. When I woke up I found a note: "I'll be back after school, don't go anywhere..." yeah... as if I would go anywhere...

12:06pm

------------------

I just texted him and he said he's gonna be over in about an hour.

They say crying helps... but I don't feel any different. 

Really, it can't be about something stupid as a car. Why is this happening to me?

I never had a conversation with a shrink, and I don't know how it works in Germany... I think I need help. 

Somebody needs to explain to me why I am what I am.