Wednesday, 11:37am. I just got out of bed and had something to eat.
For over a week I'm being in a state I don't like and I don't know when it will pass.
It started with mom forbidding me to work at that bistro/cafe/burger place. I made good money there and I got a lot of tips. I was getting closer to my dream of buying my own brand new car as soon as I get my driver's licence. But now I am about 3,000 Euros away from it and frankly, I don't even want to buy it anymore.
But that is not the reason why I am depressed. It's the sum of a lot of negative things around me right now.
Mostly it is about my relationships. With Domi, with my mom, with my friends, online and offline.
I have high expectations which are not being... not being... what's the word? Not being fulfilled?!
Whoever you ask, they will tell you I'm a happy guy. Always being positive and nice.
That has changed for a week now and I'm hating it.
It creeped it's way through my whole body. I have pain in places I didn't even know existed. I want to puke, I want to puke it out and get rid of it.
I can't sleep. Either I go to bed really late or I wake up earlier than I should and lay awake for hours listening to music or just staring at the ceiling.
Last night I tried something new. I know alcohol gets me sleepy. So I had one of those mango flavored alcopops. They are just a tiny bit stronger than beer, so... no, I didn't get drunk.
I fell asleep at 2:30am and woke up at 6 to get ready for school.
After taking a shower I sat there on the corner of my bed to air dry and suddenly I felt a strong sadness. I can only describe it as something creeping through your body, getting inside of every bone. I don't know how else to describe that feeling.
I crawled back in under the sheets and texted Domi that I'm skipping school today.
At around 7 Domi came over and said hi to mom. She was just about to leave. I told her I was not going to school today and told her why. She was ok with it.
Domi came in and at first sat next to me. He started asking me all kinds of questions to analyze why I am the way I am. I hate it when he tries to analyze me. I told him I don't know and I yelled at him to leave me the fuck alone.
But he did the opposite. He crawled in next to me and said "ok, yell at me as much as you want, I won't go away" and began stroking my head.
At that moment I lost it... and I'm man enough to talk about it... I turned to him, put my head on his chest and started sobbing. I cried and cried and cried...
I don't know who I am right now. I'm a mess. I can't explain it to myself. How can I explain it to you?
Eventually I fell asleep again. He must have left for school shortly after. When I woke up I found a note: "I'll be back after school, don't go anywhere..." yeah... as if I would go anywhere...
12:06pm
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I just texted him and he said he's gonna be over in about an hour.
They say crying helps... but I don't feel any different.
Really, it can't be about something stupid as a car. Why is this happening to me?
I never had a conversation with a shrink, and I don't know how it works in Germany... I think I need help.
Somebody needs to explain to me why I am what I am.
7 comments:
First off Nic... there is nothing wrong with breaking down! It has nothing to do with being a Man. I know society teaches us Men are not suppose to do that( bullshit). Nic this could be things you haven't deal with for a very long time, that kinda of sneak up on you! * by not dealing with it* could be a number of things! I think if you think you need help you should find it! Really Nic this could even be chemical inbalances something you would have no control over!!! Reguardless Nic no shame in any of this. I for one will always respect and glad your are some one I have met online... hoping you get the help or things get better for you soon! Reguardless I am a friend!!! Huggs Lee Sorry you are overwhelm and wish I could do more Love Lee and thanks for sharing this ...
First-- of course I'm sorry you feel bad and I do miss you a lot. You're someone I feel very close to and it makes me sad that you're not doing well.
I feel really confident that this will pass-- hopefully quickly. Those are words that offer little comfort, I know, but its important probably to remember that: the one thing you can count on is that things will be different in the next week, month, year. Not necessarily better-- but definitely different. We have to figure out how to make the _better_ happen-- thats the challenge we face in our lives.
So maybe its the car, maybe its not. The sentence "i dont even want to buy it anymore" reminds me of what happened with the ipod the first time we ran into the duty problem. you had a high, good, exciting expectation that was crushed unfairly, suddenly, and in a manner outside of your control. This is frustrating for anyone and depressing. So it may not be about the stupid car, but about a frustration with your helplessness to control your life-- helplessness to control how your friends relationships change, etc. I don't mean control in a bad way-- I just mean that helplessness is depressing and that would make sense to me. I know know-- Im just throwing out ideas.
I dont know if its worth it to try and figure it out. If this is only a week of funk-- thats not insurmountable. It may be just nothing, which might be better solved by just getting distracted with something else. How about a new bball team? Or work out routine? Or new hobby? Idk it may be something small that doesn't warrant a lot of analyzing-- the analyzing itself may be more depressing!
Much Love and big giant hugs!! Get better soon, because I miss ya a whole bunch ;-)
Steve
ok so i think the other people might have explained it eugh because of the length of their comments but i am too lazy to see if they got it right or not well not lazy just tired as fuck been going through the same thing here lately it will be ok because even thought its not ok it will be i promise or you can come over here and kick me in the balls ill pay for the ticket Love<~Peter~>
if you WANT TO talk to a shrink there are several ways: you could just call one and make an appointment or you can get the "Jugendamt" help you find a good one since you are still underage.
please call me sweetheart, i wanna talk to you
If I could explain away what you are going through, that would just be an explanation and not make it any easier to cope with. I'd want to take away all the pain, all the confusion, all the questions and only give you answers. But, life doesn't work that way, nor does emotion.
Tears are good, so is blogging about it, so is talking about it, anything other than keeping it all bottled up inside.
I wish you the best, but I also know that in my experience, we human beings, have to go through some bad times, to know we've got the good times where they are here.
Don't try to solve everything all in one go, take one thing at a time and tackle that.
Hugs xxx
I got here by way of Lee's site. I can't even begin to know what you are going through but don't push away those who are willing to take time to provide comfort(Domi). Like Lee, I have been through some crap and the last few years and I cry all the time, I jerk a tear if I see a horse in a movie and choke up at the strangest things. Crying is healthy and if you have someone to cry on it's even better. It is painful to see someone in so much angst. All I can say is don't settle on a therapist, make sure you get a good one because 99% of them are crap and a waste of time. Hope you feel better and like Lee said don't be afraid to cry or break down. Sean
i love you :)
KS
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