So this is what is going on
Nic: well, you know how sometime last year around this time I got introduced to this whole new world of gay bloggers?
Sasa: yes
Nic: about half a year ago, someone new came in to that group
Nic: he is not a blogger
Sasa: ok
Nic: he is from the Philippines and his name is Lloyd
Nic: he is 17
Sasa: ok
Nic: and trust me when I say, he is like
Nic: the most wonderful person you can meet on the internet
Nic: with a heart of gold
Nic: and so much love
Sasa: oh i thought that was you :)
Nic: :)
Nic: Lloyd is me times 1.000.000
Sasa: ok
Nic: about 4 days ago a friend of mine who I looked up to
Nic: his name is Charlie
Nic: he decided to quit twitter
Sasa: ok
Nic: and I was very upset because Charlie was like a
Nic: for the lack of a better word, he was like a father figure to me
Nic: and him leaving twitter was like he was leaving me and our friendship
Sasa: ok
Nic: and I took it bad
Nic: so, Lloyd called me on skype and said he needed to talk to me
Sasa: ok
Nic: he said he may have to leave twitter too
Nic: and he thinks I am gonna be hurt, so he needs to talk to me about that before leaving
Sasa: special reason?
Nic: then he said he has this heart condition
Nic: later I found out that he was born with a hole in his heart
Nic: and he needs surgery
Nic: once a year he goes through some tests
Nic: and they say if they have to operate on him or not
Nic: well, he made that test about two weeks ago
Sasa: ok
Nic: he said the results have arrived but he was trying to put it off
Nic: he didn't want his parents to find out about the results
Nic: because he said, he doesn't want that surgery because he is gonna end up a cripple or vegetable in bed
Nic: so he was scared
Nic: and he said: it might not be the case
Nic: it MIGHT not be the case
Nic: and he said that maybe he doesn't have to
Sasa: ok
Nic: and this operation is in the far far future
Nic: oh and the worst part
Nic: he said if his parents force him to have that operation he rather kills himself
Nic: and he was very serious about it
Sasa: hm
Nic: so, I didn't really acknowledge that, since he said it is gonna be in the far far future
Nic: then
Nic: the day after
Nic: he asked me to have a short skype call
Nic: and I said, sure, I have ten minutes
Nic: because he said, he also had just ten minutes, because he had to go study
Nic: and I said ok
Nic: then I had this convo with him
Nic: and it was short
Nic: and during those 10 minutes he was normal
Nic: nothing special
Nic: except, he said I love you a lot
Sasa: ok
Nic: and I was like: what is going on? have you opened your results yet?
Nic: and he said no
Nic: and then
Nic: I asked if he is ok and he said yes
Nic: and then I told him that I was starving and needed breakfast
Nic: and he said "ok, I need to go too"
Nic: so, I wasn't really thinking anything bad
Nic: the next day, my friend torchy asked me in a direct message if
Nic: if a certain email address was Lloyd's email?
Nic: because he got an email and he didn't know from whom it was.
Sasa: was it lloyds?
Nic: and I got suspicious, because Lloyd said that he doesn't want anyone to know, and he will talk to torchy and our other friend Peter
Nic: yes it was his
Nic: so I freaked a little and asked if he said anything weird in it
Nic: torchy said, no, except the sign off could have sounded a bit like a goodbye
Nic: I immediately knew what was going on
Nic: so
Nic: I asked Pete to show me the email he got
Nic: he was asleep and I cried a lot
Nic: later he came online and pasted me the email he got
Nic: and that was just
Nic: let me paste it to you
Sasa: ok
Nic: "oi,..... i know we've only been "internet friends" for such a short
while, but meh, i just wanted you to know i love you, as a friend, as
a person... as Petey,and i know you might not believe me or get it,
but i truly do... i wish i knew you IRL so you can look me in the eyes
know for yourself that I'm sincere..... anyways.... yeah... good rest
of the day and I LOVES YOU <3 <3 <3 *hugs* stay safe!"
Sasa: ok
Nic: see that I LOVE YOU?
Sasa: yes
Nic: when we had that last conversation he said I love you a lot, 3 times before he hung up
Nic: right before he hung up he said that again
Nic: fuck
Sasa: you think he killed himself?
Nic: I don't know, I'm not sure
Nic: I keep going back to his twitter and check his tweets
Sasa: that's fucked up.
Nic: I think he had something coming
Nic: he must have had an appointment for hospital or something
Nic: because he said:
Nic: "*clock ticks* so long >__> get it over with already!"
Nic: and the last thing he posted was weird too
Nic: "Live to Love, Love to Live <3"
Sasa: is there any way you could get confirmation, proof, anything?
Nic: no, there is no way I can get any confirmation
Sasa: hm but if he loves to live ...
Nic: we don't know much about his address
Nic: that's what I am hoping for
Nic: I am hoping he is in surgery now
Nic: I am hoping he will be back
Nic: I am hoping he will call me again one day
Sasa: hm
Nic: I can't stop thinking about him
Nic: I am crying constantly
Sasa: if he IS in surgery, how long would he be gone? a week? a month?
Nic: I don't know... dad's heart surgery's were like two weeks in hospital and then bedrest for another month
Sasa: so you don't know anything for the next 2 months
Nic: I am searching google for all the tiny bits of information he has given me about his life
Nic: I know his mom is an art teacher
Sasa: I'm so sorry Nic
Nic: I know he lives across some born again christian church
Nic: fuck
Nic: it is hurting so much
Sasa: (hug)
Nic: he thought by not telling us he would avoid us being worried about him
Nic: but
Nic: I don't know
Nic: I
Nic: I miss him so much
Sasa: i refuse to let you give up hope.
Sasa: do you know in which city he lives?
Nic: no I don't
Nic: so sorry, I can't talk now
Sasa: do you know his full name?
Nic: I need to calm down
Sasa: i want you to hang on for a little while longer Nic, cause maybe he IS in surgery
Nic: I hope he is, Sarah
Nic: I so hope that
Nic: he loved life
Nic: he was such a happy person
Nic: always positive
Sasa: he IS a happy person
Sasa: Nici?
Nic: yes?
Sasa: don't give up
Sasa: please
Nic: I'm not
Nic: I just miss him
Sasa: (hug)
I'm not gonna say goodbye to you - you are gonna come back - I LOVE YOU
Live to Love, Love to Live <3
3 comments:
Wow I'm speechless. I knew something was up from your tweets yesterday. Lloyd is such a special person-- I mean I can't think of a single other person (real life friend or otherwise) that has so much kindness and empathy for people. Lloyd's heart shines through everything he does-- its unmistakable and profound.
I love lloyd-- as I love many of you. We have a friendship, and a camaraderie that is unique-- its intimate, personal, and fraternal, and unexpected considering that its just exchanging little bits of info over twitter, blogs, etc. I care very much about you people-- maybe more than I should-- because when stuff like this happens, its uncontrollably painful.
This is the problem with these friendships: its too easy for people to leave. Its unfair, because we've emotionally invested in the relationship-- it shouldn't be so easy to leave, when it causes so much pain.
Well I have a lot of confidence that Lloyd will return. (a) I know that he cares about this group, and I can't believe that he could leave so simply. (b) I think it takes a particular trait for someone to actually succeed at suicide, and I can't believe that Lloyd is that person.
So lloyd will return, healthier, and he can regail us with stories of sexy male nurses, and how happy he is to be fixed and back to normal...
And if not, well then we'll book a flight to the Phillippines ;-) Ive always wanted to visit there. You see I have this friend who lives there, who I miss terribly and wish I could give a big hug right now
much love and a *huge hug* Nic.
Steve
Thank you Nic for this sad post, although I know he don't like religion, I will pray for him.
despite I use awful lots of ok's I'm thinking about Lloyd all the time now. I really hope I get the chance to meet him
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