wake up...

...from this dream
This I Love

Guns N' Roses - This I Love
from the new album Chinese Democracy - piano cover

16 checked, 5 to go (or) 16 and the consequences

As a few of my loyal readers already know, my birthday was on last Wednesday.
I finally turned 16, now it can stay like this for a while. For 17 I don't care that much... with 18 I'll be legal and an adult here in Germany... with 21 I'll be legal at home in LA.
Jeez I can hardly wait to finally watch my first gay porn movie ;o)

16 means I get to tease Dominik... his curfew is still 10pm while mine is midnight :p
It also means that I can "go out" with adam to a "late movie" without fearing any legal consequences (since he is 18 and an adult and I was 15 and a minor) :o)

Oh I didn't tell you guys yet. My mom and I had "THE TALK".
Yes, you heard me... It was hilarious to sit down and listen to her telling me all the stuff about using condoms and STD's and stuff... Since I never brought home a boyfriend before I met Adam she must have thought that her gay son lived in a celibacy or something.
I told her that I never brought a boyfriend home because there never was a boyfriend... however I admitted to her that I have... how did I put it? yeah... I admitted to have had "fun" before.

After explaining to her that I think it is gross and I don't need to hear all these things from my mom she told me to shut up and listen. Then she smiled and said that in case I ever come home pregnant she can look me in the face and say that at least she told me :)

Ah, Mommy... I'll always be your little boy, hah?

Now on to my presents... which are the most important part of a dumb, superficial teenagers birthday, isn't it:

I got a brand new bike which I wanted for sooooo long. It has a frame made of aluminum and really big tires for mountainbiking and it only wheighs 5kg.

Dominik gave me a MAN-necklace that glows in the dark. I love it.

And Adam, well Adam... I love you, Adam.

Adam gave me a night to remember all my life.
Get your mind out of the gutter, I don't mean that. If you think about THAT, then you are perverted. Besides it would be a night for HIM to remember all HIS life.
But back to Adams gift :o)

He gave me a fairy tale like evening where I felt like I am dreaming every second of it.
It started out with a visit at one of the biggest christmas markets in Germany. We drank hot wine and I bought a wooden heart which says love me and give me life.
After a while he told me to close my eyes and he needed to blindfold me.
After I finally gave in, we took a taxi and we had a 10 minute drive. All he said was that we are going to a park nearby.

When we arrived and got out of the taxi I could hear things... a horse walking on the street.
It came closer and closer... then he finally took off the blindfold and I was... amazed.

There it was... a white horse and a big white horse carriage. Adam had rented a horse-carriage for me. I never have been on a horse carriage. It was great. We got in and the "driver" gave us a blanket.

Adam took a flask of hot choclate and big double choclate cookies out of the basket that was already in the carriage and we drove through the park for what seemed like hoooours.
It was dark, but it was still a warm winter night. I will never forget how he looked me in the eyes and told me he loves me.

Have I promised too much? Isn't this like all the fairy tales go?
I love Adam. He knows which buttons to push to get to my heart. To me this night was the definition of love.

----------------------

Talking about fairytales and knights in shining armour... here's a video that my friend Michael has found. It is a story written and drawn by a girl who's brother is gay. I wish my sister would be more like her.

Have fun watching "Ruppert, the gay knight"

in peace

Nice melody to listen to before going to bed. It relaxes every tensed muscles in you.

Besame Mucho - Sungha Jung

Parents Ruin Society Not Gay People

Derek.
Derek is one of my heroes.

photogeNIC

Which one of these do you like best? My favorites are 01, 12, 14, 16 and 17.

01 02

03 04

05 06

07 08

09 10

11 12

13 14

15 16

17 18

Sick(s)-Teen

My birthday is on next Wednesday. I'll turn 16.
"Sweet little sixteen" my ass. The only thing that is gonna change for me is that I will be legally allowed to drink beer in Germany. YAAAAY.

I am very mad at people around me who constantly keep on saying "but you're young, you'll get over it", "but you're young, you'll forget it", "but you're young, you don't have problems".
It's like you don't get recognized as a person. Noone sees you as a person with problems, needs and feelings.<

I have a friend, his name is Dirk. Dirk got beaten up after school by some asshole idiots. They left him with a heavily bleeding nose and stole his money. They did it for 5 fucking bucks.
Dirk is 14. He is an angel by heart. What sick bastard would hit a 14 year old for 5 Euro?

But instead of going to the police and talk to his son and make him feel better, his asshole of a dad talks down to him and says that he should have hit them back, he should have fought back.
His mom says that "he will forget it soon" but noone actually taks to him. He told me he has nightmares and in his dreams he hugs the feet of one of the attackers to make the kicking stop.

Why are people like this? Why do you have to do this to someone? What kind of pleasure do you get out of this?

sick bastards

Unrequited

Lucas.

I like Lucas. Lucky Luke is not only a cool person, but also a great listener. And I think he has a lot of talent. Listen to this original song of his. I love the bridge-part. And the lyrics are good. And he sings it good. Would someone rich please get him some proper recording equipment? Thank you.
( oh and visit his channel: youtube.com/IAmLucasJC )

Lyrics:
I thought I was the one to keep you
Standing on your own two feet
But I found out I was looking at me.

You told me I was the one who helped you
Figure yourself out but I don't
Think I've figured myself out just yet

Cos I'm in denial
It hurts my health
What's mine is yours, what's yours is mine
But I want it all to myself
The boy is mine

When I see you on I get turned on
But I pretend I don't care at all
And I tell myself it's not the way to go

Well it's not like I've never felt this before
But this time I feel it more and more
And I just know you've heard it all before

Cos I'm in denial
It hurts my health
What's mine is yours, what's yours is mine
But I want it all to myself
The boy is mine

I've had enough
Of this hell
I've had enough, I can't go on
I tripped and fell x2

The boy is mine x4

kissing

fuck it's hard to concentrate on the good things in life, when you are really mad at someone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

today I'd like to talk to you about kissing.
A kiss on the right time from the right person can mean the world to you.

Adam and I went out last night and we came home real late, like at midnight or something.
Since my sister and my mom were asleep already we went to my room.
I wanted to put some mp3 files on his iPod which I had prepared earlier for him.

Of course this was not what I really wanted.

We ended up on my bed making out. I wanted more but I was also a bit drunk.
He refused to take off his clothes while still enjoying the fact that I was half naked... lol... so there is still hope :o)

what we actually did was more beautiful than sex. It was love in it's most... whoaw... I just realized it was the best kiss of my life.
We layed there and it was a bit cold for me so he was just hugging me from behind and we stayed like that for half an hour.

then he gave me a long kiss. I could feel his heart beating.

Kiss. it's a beautiful word, isn't it? He kissed me in a way that I felt like he is a part of me. like my hand. Then he said it: Adam said I love you.

He is the right guy at the right place at the right time.

I had school today and I can honestly say that I have no clue how the day went by. I had a high I was riding on and it still takes on.
I'm going to meet him in about half an hour.

It's time for me to tell him that I have fallen madly in love with him, too.

pure emotion

this song and video... just... watch it... be warned though, it's intense...

"no heaven" by justin nozuka

young brother hand me the gun
on with it, off with it
i'm burning strong like the sun
i do believe, it's time for me

it's gonna hurt, but then i'm free

and i will be in heaven, with the angels
flying over water, i am free
there will be no darkness, no pain

and young brother right when i'm done
follow me, so we can be together
watch me as i put it to my head
hold my hand, don't turn your head

don't turn your head

soon i will be in heaven, with the angels
flying over water, i am free
there will be no darkness, no pain

the pain will be gone
and the anger will be gone
the depression will be gone
only love from everyone
soon as i pass one

ten, nine, eight
seven, six, five
four, three, two
---
one
---
oh old brother, what have you done
oh old brother, what have you done--

what if there's no heaven, and you find yourself alone, walking through a tunnel and everyone has gone
---
and betrayed by the one
and you are conscious in your grave
brother what then
if there is no heaven

BOYS

Hey boys, have you ever thought about
About all of those little doubts
That keep comin' up in a boy's mind
When you just smile,

Cause baby, how should he know what you really feel
If that look was fake or real,
Or if he's the 5th or 6th guy
To whom you smile

Baby, think about the way that you treat a boy,
Cause shouldn't treat him like a toy,
If you would like him to spend the night,
Then baby, go and tell him right

Boys - 'cause now I'm talking about
Boys - 'cause you don't know about
Boys - with your love we are happy
Boys - oh, I like being one of them
Boys - now I'm talking about
Boys - oh, the hyped up and psyched up
Boys - always thinking about lovely.
Boys

And now I'm thinking that the time is right for a hot night,
To make you hold me tight and make you feel right.
And if there's something that you want that I got,
You can have it all night, non-stop.

I wanna treat you right and take you higher and higher,
I wanna hold you tight and make you hot like fire,
I wanna stay all night, I wanna quench your desire,
Some I forgot? I think not!

But boy now, hey, how should I know what you'd say
If I'd ask you to play for a night and a day,
Would you say, hey babe, I'd like you to stay,
Or would you say, no, no, no, no way.

Boys, if you want us to stay, you gotta say so,
And if you want us to leave, you gotta say no,
Is it friendship or the real deal?
Boys, tell us what you want, what you need, what you feel!

Hey boys, if you like a boy, then you know
That it's alright to make a show
You can play a little hard to get
Just to make him sweat

But baby, if you keep him waiting too long,
Then one day, he might be gone,
So just tell him what is right
And what you like

Baby, think about the way that you treat a boy,
Cause you shouldn't treat him like a toy,
If you would like him to spend the night,
Then baby, go and tell him right

Boyfriend

BOYFRIEND
boyfriend
BOYfriend
boyFRIEND

bo bo bo boyfrieeeeend

ADAM IS MY BOYFRIEND.

I love sundays

Folks, I just came home from a date. From THE date of the year.
The guy who I went out with was to die for. I don't want to say his real name, yet. Let's call him "A.". A. is 18 and has HIS OWN CAR. I met A. through my best friend Dominik who I'm gonna tell more about in another blog.
Dominik introduced me to A. last weekend and I didn't really pay much attention to him, because he is so not the type of guy I am after usually. He plays baseball... need I say more? - lol.

I gave it a chance and DAMN was I surprised today.

Aaaaah it was so great. I don't know where to start. Fuck I feel like such a girl. He's the most perfect date you can wish for.

A. asked me out to go to the movies and maybe have something to eat. Now, I wasn't that excited about it because I just had a "date" with another guy last weekend wheere we went to the movies and hardly talked and after that we had a greaaaat meal at a Subway "restaurant". Irony much? yeah... it was ok but not that great.

However... A. changed the whole going out concept for me today.

A. A. A. A. A. ... there I said it... that guy is cool.
I should stop. I'm too excited.

After Dominik came over today, he asked me what I'm gonna wear. I was planing to wear my black jeans with a black turtleneck. I look good in those. But Dominik insisted that I should wear a shirt... like with buttons... in hindsight, Dominik must have known about the evening plans... hmmm... I gotta ask him tomorrow.

whatever... so I put on black jeans with a black shirt and a black jacket with a white scarf... I know... cliche... but I look good in it :o)

A. rang the doorbell and my mom opened the door. She had no idea about me going out tonight so she invited him in to the living room while she came in my room to tell me that there is someone there to see me.

I was like... shit... now she knows him. You know... I tend to keep my "love life" a secret to her until I find somone who is actually worth it to introdce. But A. somehow managed to do it on his own.

Of course mom didn't let me off the hook. So she said I should join them in the living room while her "INTERVIEW" started. A. said the most charming things. It was like he prepared a speech... lol... Mom actually said that he did a good job and that he told all the things she "needed" to hear.

lol... this was the first of many moments tonight when I felt like a foolish giggly girl. I tell you more about it in a minute.

A. and I left my house around 6.30pm... He said we have time because he had made dinner reservations for 8.
DINNER RESERVATIONS... yes... you heard me. We were going to a place where he had to make dinner reservations. Isn't that cool?
So we drove to the city. It's a 30 min drive and you could tell that he tried everything to make the drive as pleasurable as possible for me. He asked me if he should put on the heater... or what kind of music I wanted to hear. Then he gave me his ipod (attached to his car radio) to look for good music.
He talked about what we were going to do tonight but at the same time wasn't giving it away.

When we arrived in the parking lot he had to push a button to get a parking ticket which he had to pay when leaving. I tell you this because it is kinda important for later. Funny. I'm gonna tell you later.

We had to walk for like 10 minutes. He kept on asking me if I'm cold. This is like what he did all night... like asking me if I'm doing good, if I'm feeling cozy, if the dinner was good, if I liked the music... he cared so much.

When we arrived at the restaurant he took my jacket and brought it to the wardrobe. We waited for the maître d' to show us our table.
A. obviously knew a few things about me already (note to myself, I have to talk with Dominik how much he told him about me). Because there was a live band playing and when the maître d' showed us our table, A. asked him for another one closer to the band/stage.
By the way, at that moment I didn't know that there was going to be a band playing.

So we sat down and our waiter arrived. He gave us the wine list, which I thought was funny cause I am legally not allowed to drink alcohol yet. But obviously I looked mature enough... lol. We ordered drinks (don't worry, alcohol free) and I looked at the menu and saw that it was really really pricey. I mean like... a soup for 18 Euro was the cheapest thing on the menu.
I had like 50 Euro in my wallet and I wasn't sure where we were going after dinner. A. told me not to worry, like he could read my mind. He said he asked me out so he is gonna pay. And I told him "OK, what's the most expensive thing they have here?"
He laughed and when the waiter came back to take the order A. ordered grilled fish and then he said, "and for my friend over here, I assume he'd like to have the beluga caviar"... Our waiter, Oscar, smiled and looked at me for reassurance and I was like turning three shades of red. A. started to laugh and said "I'm serious, take what you want." Then Oscar recommended argentinian beef with a mushroom sauce and I agreed.

We had to wait about 30 minutes for our meal but it went by quite fast. A. and I talked a lot about almost everything. He told me about his family and his siblings and about his grandma a lot. I noticed how he avoided talking about his mom. Later I found out she had left the family when he was a small kid and his grandma moved in with them.

A. is a very interesting person. He actually managed to get me interested in baseball. He has a band and plays guitar. And he is about to get his drivers licence for his motorcycle Betty... I laughed so much tonight... he calls his dangerous biker gang motorcycle Betty...

Aaaah, A. A. A. A. A., he's a funny guy.

When our food arrived it was like they made it for 6 people. It was soo much. A. said we have a lot of time because there was going to be a band. And we should stay to listen to them. And so we ate and talked and ate and laughed and ate and ate and ate...lol... and laughed. He claims to be the only person in the world who can move his ears independently.

When the band started to play it was very very good... like REALLY good. They had a piano, a bass (jazz bass) a saxophone player and a percussionist. The singer was a woman with a great great voice. I wonder why she is singing in a restaurant when she clearly could get a reecord deal.
They played nice jazz music snd what kind of pissed me off for a while was that a few people kept on talking like there is no band playing.
I couldn't stand still and got up and went over to one table with two women who seemed to have this competition with the band. They were talking and laughing like really loud. And I had to say something.
And I went over and sat right next to them and told them that there is someone who is sharing her beautiful voice with us and that a lot of people want to hear her and that they should listen to her too. And they apologized and shut up after that.

A. said he never would have the guts to do that. And I said no big deal and that I did it cause they were pissing me off.

The band was really good and the singer, she was black and her name was Shawna (I think) sang the most beautiful version of "I will survive". Guys... you have to come to Germany, go to the restaurant and enjoy her version... yes... she is THAT good.

I almost didn't want to leave but A. promised my mom to get me home by 10:30.

A. paid a lot for dinner. I almost feel guilty. So when we arrived at the parking lot he didn't have change for the ticket. So I said I want to pay that. And he was really upset... which I found very very cute. He didn't want me to pay and was like very upset. It took me a while to convince him that it was no big deal.

How cute.

We drove back home and he was... oh wait... he actually opened the door for me to sit in the car. I felt like a girl for the 10th time tonight. But he did it in the most masculin way... lol... I can't describe it to you. He was very charming.

When we arrived at my house he said it was a great night and he hoped that I enjoyed it as much as he did. We got off the car and he walkd me to the door.
He gave me a goodnight kiss on the cheek... isn't that like the cutest thing to do EVER? aaaaaah A., A. A. A. A. A... :o)

moodswings

Imagine this: I get up at 9ish on a saturday morning like this. It's way too early for a saturday. But I went to bed on friday night at 10pm. I slept for like 11 hours I guess.
I went to the bathroom and when I passed the kitchen I saw a breakfast table with only a few items on it.
Two plates, two coffee mugs, two butterknives and the electronic water heater.
I wondered why there is stuff for only two people. I guess my mom didn't expect me to get up early so the table was set for only her and my sister.

Since both of them were in their rooms preparing to get dressed and have their morning-"oooh-I-need-to-put-on-make-up-or-I-won't-be-pretty"-routine I got another plate and a butter knive and a coffee mug and put it on the table so they would understand that there is another person who wants to have breakfast with them as well.

I stood there for a moment and looked at a kind of colorless and loveless morning table on a rainy, cloud-filled dark saturday morning. It wasn't a pretty sight. So I decided to change it.

I put out the bee-shaped-happy-cartoon-placemats and put them under the plates. I opened the fridge and got butter, LÄTTA (a german margarine like product with yoghurt in it... it's delicious), strawberry jam, cherry jam, milk, strawberry syrup, cheese, another kind of cheese (called brunch), ham, some other kind of wurst and two tomatoes.

I opened every package and every jar and placed them nicely around the table.
I got a big plate and designed it with the ham and the wurst and I sliced the tomatoes and surounded the plate with them.

I took several kind of bread, some bread rolls (german brötchen) and put them in the oven to rebake them for about five minutes to get them hot and ready for the great bread smell in the morning.
I switched on the electric water heater and I actually made some tea. I mean the real tea with the tea leafs and putting them in a jar and adding boiled water and letting it simmer for 5 minutes.
So when I was done the picture was perfect. THIS was a morning table I loved to look at.
It had LOVE written all over it. I wanted to surprise my family. For once I would be "the provider" of the family...

I went to mom's room to call her and tell her that breakfast is ready... she didn't know what I had prepared and was asking me to switch on the coffee machine. I told her that I 'll do that when she's finally done with her morning routine and is ready to join me.
Then I went to my sisters room, the door was closed so I knocked and still not going in I said: "Good mooooor-niiiiiiing, breakfast is ready". Of course she didn't expect me to say that because I hate her guts lately and we hardly spoke for over a month now. I actually had a big fight with her two days before her 18th birthday and I didn't wish her a happy birthday, didn't give her a present and didn't attend her big birthday party in our house. So it came to her as a surprise that I was actually nice to her.

I use the word ACTUALLY a lot.

whatever... well... she replied with "fuck off". This was what I expected so I wasn't hurt at all.
I went back to the kitchen and sat down and was waiting for them to come.
I was waiting for about 10 more minutes when my sister aka theEVILone aka SATAN aka Bitchy the bitch came into the kitchen standing there with a wide open mouth, frozen and glued to the floor for what seemed like forever.
She looked at the table, turned around and ran to mom to get her.
They came in and sat at the table and didn't say a single word.
"Pass the sugar, please"
I was like... "Aren't you gonna say anything?"

Then they burst out laughing and mom gave me a kiss on my forehead and said that I did a great job... BUT... and this is when my mood switched like immediately.
Mom had no appetite at all, she drank her tea and told me she has to go to lunch with a client so she can't have a big breakfast at all.
My sister also just drank her tea and got up the minute her cellphone rang and said bye to my mom. Apperantly her boyfriends sister is getting married today and she was waiting for him to arrive. I was already wondering why she was dressed nicely anyway.

Mom said "Sorry sweety.. I gotta go, could you please put these back into the fridge?" and then she got up and put on her jacket while taking another sip of her tea.

I was really really disappointed, even worse I think I was pissed... but I guess that's what you get when you don't communicate with your family.

What a way to start a weekend. At least before she left, she took a picture with her cell of me sitting at a rich filled table full of love.

Fuck you, you hoe, I don't want you back

I've heard this song about a year ago for the first time. I didn't get the concept back then, but now, I kinda understand where he's coming from.

The lyrics:
See I dont, know why, I liked you so much
I gave you all, of my trust
I told you, I loved you,
now thats all down the drain
Ya put me through pain,
I wanna let u know that I feel

Fuck what I said it don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

Fuck what I said it don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

You thought, you could
Keep this shit from me, yeah
Ya burnt bitch, I heard the story
Ya played me, ya even gave him head
Now ya askin for me back
Ya just another act, look elsewhere
Cuz ya done with me

Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

Ya questioned, did I care
You could ask anyone, I even said
Ya were my great one
Now its, over, but I do admit I'm sad.
It hurts real bad, I cant sweat that, cuz I loved a hoe

Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

A funeral for an account

Being the drama qu... king that I am, I left youtube and the account AandJinLOVE with 2 words.
DONE, GONE.

I never got so many responses to any of my other videos.
People wrote me very personal stories and very emotional emails telling me how much they feel for me.
The comments I recieved on my last video were very nice, too.

I had a few talks about my decision with two nice people I met trough youtube, Lucas and Michael.
And of course there is always my best friend Dominik who I love to death (yeah get your head
out of your ass Dominik, you'll only see me admit this once in a lifetime).
They helped me a lot by just talking about this and not pushing the topic away. It was there, all the time and even when we changed topics for a moment we always came back to it.
I also talked to a girl about this. Her name is Sarah. She told me that although I may not believe
her now, I will eventualy laugh about this whole thing when I grow older.

I also wanna say that those who sent me personal messages or comments are really really nice people. Reading all the kind words from some older men made me think for a minute. Why is every guy who wants to share his wisdom and experience in life with a younger person labeled a pedophile?
They just wrote me "letters on a screen"... how is that gonna do me harm in any way? So to all you nice people out there who cared for me so much to sit down and spend half an hour of your time to console a broken heart I want to say: thank you very much, mission accomplished.

Now... what I wanna do and kinda already did is... I burried the account AandJinLove on Youtube.
I was asked to leave the videos there and I will leave them up. Who knows... maybe I go back
in 5 years and watch them again and laugh about myself.

I'm not leaving youtube for good... whoever thought that is CRAZY. Youtube is AWESOME.
I created a new account. It's http://www.youtube.com/ntotheitothec

I just needed a few days off the internet to finish what I had started: the process of getting over
this guy.

Now I'm back and I'm better than ever and as I said on my latest video.
I'm gonna KICK SOME ASS :o) (yaaay, butch me).

Necessity

beauty in my eye

(boredom)



(first love)



(<3)

Apparently I talk in my sleep

ok folks, this is really creepy.

This morning during breakfast I was talking to mom and was really enjoying my slightly burned toast when my sister aka theEVILone got up from the table and looked at mom and whispered "ask him" before leaving the room.

I was like... what does she want now? because whenever my sister wants something from me she never asks me directly (maybe cause she knows the answer already) but goes to my mom and asks her to tell me.

So mom told me "nothing, she's crazy" which immediately put my alarmed mind at ease because FINALLY she was seeing it too, lol.

So we continued eating, listening to the morning radio show and had the occasional chats during the bad songs. But then it happened.
Just when I was finishing and was drinking the last drops of my tea mom asked me "So... what is Christchurch?"

I was shocked... how does she know about Christchurch... what does she know about Christchurch? And why is she asking ME about Christchurch.

I was really stunned there for a moment and asked her "why? what do you know?"
A thousand things rushed thorugh my mind. What if she knows about my youtube account, what if someone has recognized me and told her about my videos. But then I remembered that she had seen my "10 things I hate about you video" before it was uploaded to youtube.

"Not much, is there something you want to talk about?" she asked. And I was about to get up and run to my sisters room and jump at her throat when my mom continued... "... you want to talk about Joe and Kane?"

Now I was completely stunned and reacted very harsh "What about Joe? What do you mean? He's not with Kane anymore... TALK WOMAN TALK" lol... ok I did not say WOMAN to her...
It was a huge puzzle in my head and I couldn't put them to one piece. Granted, she may know about Joe, because I showed her my "10 things I hate about you" video. But how in gods name did she know about Kane?

"Mom, start talking... what do you know about him?"

In this moment she burst out laughing and this only made me more mad.
She told me that I was talking in my sleep. That when she came in to check on me last night I was mumbling.
She had great fun sitting next to my bed and TALKING TO ME WHILE I WAS ASLEEP.

She said that she told my sister and they both found it very very funny and that they started to interview me asking me all kinds of questions.

And it seems that I am also a foolish good-hearted person in my sleep as well. She explained to me that I mumbled stuff... that she couldn't understand me that well but she managed to understand a few things. She said that I was talking about how Christchurch is burning and that Joe is in danger and that I need to go get there. She said that I was very sweet being in real worries about Joe. And I must also have said something about Kane. She said that after she told me that the firefighters have already arrived, I stopped breathing heavily and went back to sleep and the last word I must have said was "Kane".

OK... so this sounds wierd in soooo many ways... first of all I was really really pissed at them because this is a huge invasion of my privacy and I am not done with letting them face the consequences yet... I havn't thought of ways to pay them back, yet.
Second... WHAT THE FUCK... I talk in my sleep. When did that happen?
Third: Joe? Fire? Christchurch? ... KANE? .... REALLY? Are you kidding me?
I can't even remember dreaming about Joe. I didn't... I am sure I didn't... and why the fire?
And why Kane?

So after sitting in front of my computer and telling you guys this story I came up with a few theories.

Joe... well... if the reason for mentioning him isn't obvious to you, then you shouldn't be here in the first place.
The Fire... I did watch Joe's video "New Zealand is burning" yesterday. Maybe my brain put one and one together.
Christchurch... well... I don't know... maybe because Joe lives there?
and KANE... hmmm... there is only one way I could explain this...

I used to watch the WWE shows about three years ago when I still lived in LA. And there was this one character called KANE. He is also nicknamed "The Big Red Machine" because he has this pyro fire thing going on... hmm... I should post a video here to make you understand...



hmm... the only explanation would be that my head put the name KANE and FIRE together and I might have dreamt about KANE setting Christchurch on fire...

I told you... CREEEEPY.

But I honestly can't remember dreaming of this.

Hmmm... summed up I'd say it was a real bad thing what happened to me yesterday. I wonder what else I talk about in my sleep.

PS: I don't think bad of Kane... Kane is a real nice guy judging by the few minutes I've seen of him on two or three videos.

Just Hold Me My Almost Lover

Comfortable as I am - I need your reassurance
And comfortable as you are - You count the days
But if I wanted silence - I would whisper
And if I wanted loneliness - I'd choose to go
And if i liked rejection - I'd audition
And if I didn't love you - You would know

And why can't you just hold me - And how come it is so hard
And do you like to see me broken - And why do I still care - still care

You say you see the light now - At the end of this narrow hall
I wish it didn't matter - I wish I didn't give you all
But if I wanted silence - I would whisper
And if I wanted loneliness - I'd choose to go
And if i liked rejection - I'd audition
And if I didn't love you - You would know

And why can't you just hold me - And how come it is so hard
And do you like to see me broken - And why do I still care

Poor little misunderstood baby - No one likes a sad face
But I can't remember life without him - I think I did have good days

Why(why) can't you just hold me - And how come it is so hard
And do you like to see me broken - And why do I still care

---

Your fingertips across my skin - The palm trees swaying in the wind - Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies - The sweetest sadness in your eyes - Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover - Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you - Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance - My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street - You took my hand and danced with me - Images
And when you left you kissed my lips - You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover - Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you - Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance - My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean - I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted - And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover - Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you - Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance - My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I can't decide

him?




or him?



Doesn't he have a killer smile?

(other people's) religion

I don't know for sure if I have a religion.
To have one means that a person has defined for himself what exactly religion means.
I don't like the idea of churches. For me it is like watching an older man in a dress, singing to a wall, drinking wine and constantly reminding me that I am a sinner and need to pray for forgivness, because god forgives everything.

Well that is not my idea of religion.

I see religious people who are overdoing this. They are real nutjobs who live by the bible.
A book written by the hand of other people who claim they have a connection to god.

I recently found a video on youtube called "I'm a God warrior" which clearly shows how far people go in the name of god.



you saw that? Pretty intense, hah? She scares the crap out of her children.

But still, I believe that it is wrong of us atheists (I use that word because I don't have a better one for a "non-believer") to judge people, who have faith based on these nutcases.

Religion is something really personal. It is a different form of love and appreciation.
And I think it would be wrong of me to judge people on who they love.
Be it christians, muslims, hindus or other religions.

Summed up to one word I'd say it's all about respect.
I respect them for having a religion and I wish them to respect me for not having one.

uh, yes... I guess I'm done for today. Sorry, no "I love you, Joe" today and no silly goofy jokes. I promise my next blog is gonna be all about "my god" TheJoeFrom1993 again.

Bye for now and keep on being nice to the people around you.

Nic

PS:

I would like to get some stuff off of my chest

Inspired by the blog of someone I like, I am going to talk about stuff that mostly are a matter of the heart.

I love someone I can't have. I can't have him because he's far far away.
I am not an idiot and not a fool... I am bright enough to know that this would never work.
But although I try very hard, I constanly fail to make my heart think the same way too.
I guess hearts don't think.

For those who don't know me, yet: My name's Nic. I'm going to be 16 soon and I live in Germany... Oh and the "BIG DEAL" about me is, I'm gay...

I am not shy... I have had quite a few "friends with benefits".
But for the first time in my life I am in love.
And it was a great feeling to say the words "I love you". Because I have never said that to another person before... besides family and stuff... but you know what I mean.

I am in love with Joe...
He is great.
wait... HE IS. PERIOD.

At the moment all I can do is send him goofy video-messages telling him that I love him.
I don't know if he knows how serious I am... because I also make fun of myself and my being in love with him. But this is the only way I can deal with it. If I would not use humor... I...
I guess I'd go insane.

sorry, I gotta go now...
will be back later today to continue.

bye for now